Co-Parenting

As a child I always dreamed of meeting prince charming! Whether he rode in on a white horse wearing a suit of armor, or sailed up to the beach in a beautiful ship, or if one day he came to my rescue in a swift and courageous manner! Let’s be realistic ladies (and gentleman) who doesn't want a fairy tale ending! Most kids hear the same basic order in which people believe life should go after you graduate high school, you go to college, get a degree, get a job, meet "prince charming," get married, then last but not least, you have kids. Now I don't speak for all women, but as for me, my life didn't go that way! I'm not here to talk about school or weddings or dream relationships, we’re going to touch on a much heavier topic for about 70% of mothers, children, & fathers in America today. That's right folks, co-parenting.

So, here you are, let’s say 20 years old, having the most wonderful bowl of ice cream with a side of sliced pickles wondering how in the world you ever got so lucky to be creating a life inside of you and how that little life is half you half the love of your life! Your water breaks, you call your significant other, IT'S TIME, and you’re off to the hospital! Fast forward, 24 hours later and there you are surrounded by friends and family holding your first born child! Your mom says smile as you, and your partner take your first “family" picture with your newborn child. Everything feels so right! Now, some people do live out their fairy tales, some parents have their child and stay with the other parent forever! However, recent studies have shown that approximately 69% of couples in the U.S will separate within the first 5 years of their child's life. That's what we're here to discuss.

So your picture perfect relationship/ family is now just that... a picture in an album. It's come down to passing the child back and forth. Every other day, weekends here, weeks there, separate birthday parties, new love interests on either side. The list can go on and on. Some couples resort to mediation with trained professionals to help them sort through all the aspects of deciding where a child should live and who will have what holiday with the child, who gets child support, who pays for extracurricular activities, ETC. Some end up skipping going through mediation all together and just work it out amongst themselves. Others, however, take it upon themselves to completely remove the other parent from the child's life, some with good reasoning no doubt, others just out of anger, pain, jealousy, whatever the case may be... Co-Parenting has proven to be very complex at times for myself. A little background about me, I am a mother of 3 (that I gave birth to) for privacy reasons let’s call them Lock (6) Shock (4) and Barrel (<1), don't mind the Nightmare Before Christmas reference.

My oldest two are from the same father. Here's our story; after only a few short months of knowing each other (after meeting on a website that was called Myyearbook.com) we found out we were having a child. We were scared, happy, confused, every emotion you can imagine, we had them all no doubt! We had our issues, broke up, got back together, got engaged, moved in together, and that's when the unspeakable happened! Surprise, Baby #2!! Our life was a dream to most people! We were happy, until we weren't. Long story short we separated! We started off rough no doubt, we said things, and did things we both probably didn't mean at all. Finally agreed on a plan for the kids without court, Week on, week off. I HATED IT! I went from spending every single day with my children to not seeing them for the better part of 7 whole days! Well when Lock was old enough for school we couldn't agree anymore... so off to the courthouse I went to file for custody, we sat through 3, 2 hour mediation meetings and finally agreed on a schedule! What a relief that was! Lock & Shock would spend time with both of us on terms that we agreed on! We split costs, we split holidays, we work together to make family occasions work out for them. As rough as we had it for a while it finally got settled and while we have our disagreements sometimes about small things like haircuts, Halloween costumes, sports, ETC, we were able to set up and stick to a plan that works for us and for our children.

Sounds like a happy ending to a tough situation! Well my story doesn't end there. I met someone, we will call him Jack. Me and Jack have a, to say the least, interesting past. Anyway, we start hanging out, talking, and building a bond with each other’s families. We spent a lot of time together and with the children. Now of course I have Lock and Shock, well Jack has a child from a previous relationship, we will call him JJ. Anyway, Lock, Shock, & JJ became very close as did Jack and myself. Fast forward 2 short but crazy months later, I'm at work like any other day, and I feel off. Nauseous to be exact, (can you see where I'm going here yet?). You guessed it! Pregnant.

Now comes the fun part right? Telling our families & our friends. So we came up with a fun idea! A baby announcement featuring our 3 beautiful children! By this time we had already told our ex partners, mine was also having another child. His, well she wasn't thrilled. About the pregnancy, or the fact that her son was included in our reveal. Their relationship, break up, co-parenting situation, all of it was (and still is) messy. The complete polar opposite of my co parent relationship. Because of this, our relationship had to withstand a lot of negativity, there were points when he had to literally beg to see JJ and was only allowed if he hung out with her in the process. As a woman of course, that is a no go for me. Things they saw as acceptable ways to co parent I saw as a huge smack in the face. They finally went to court, came to an agreement, which resulted in me driving about 3 hours twice a week to ensure we had JJ and ensure Jack had his time! His ex and I were even able to communicate in regards to JJ when Jack was at work! Although it seemed to all be working well, for a while, perfect never lasts long.

A lot of events took place, some simple, some drastic. We went weeks without JJ before court and I thought for sure that was over with. Things got bad between me and Jack, although I wanted it to work out, Jack and I separated, he went AWOL for about 2 weeks, no contact whatsoever in regards to us, or even in regards to our little Barrel. Finally one day I received an email, it was Jack wanting to know how Barrel was and when they could see each other. My first instinct was to say “after court" or "never," but that's not me. Mistakes are made by all humans and I want my kids to see that Mommy does her best each and every day to forgive and move forward. I soon learned that he was able to see JJ during those 2 weeks, but once again he was unable to see him or even speak to him. Hearing that made me realize just how different co parent relationships are from one couple to the next!

Mediation worked for me once, but doesn't work for everyone. Going in front of a judge can be EXTRA rough, you never know what the judge will believe, or how they see different things! You'll hear how some judges won’t even hear the dad out, the mom can say one negative thing, and daddy is the bad guy! Other judges leave everything up to the parents and will put you both on the spot right then and there!! That’s not only uncomfortable, but in my experience it’s completely nerve wrecking! It is literally the equivalent of studying for a huge test all night long but seeing the questions on the paper and realizing you don't remember a single thing you studied! Anxiety and nerves collide! There is no worse feeling then hearing a judge dictate when and where you see your children.

I won't say parents should always stay together, because I am a firm believer that if you yourself are unhappy, your children will feel and see that! So while co-parenting seems like an awful situation, it isn't always. As long as you do what you feel is best for you and your children you will come out on top! Motherhood is tough, fatherhood is tough, you hold the remote and control exactly what happens to your children! Every single choice you make impacts your child in one way or another. They hear you. They see you. We may not be perfect, none of us are, but to them you are! So next time you feel yourself getting angry at your ex about something with your child, keep in mind that not every fight is worth fighting!

Keep Newton’s third law in mind; "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Thank you for reading!! Keep an eye out for more stories and more topics!