Closure

I have a non-traditional relationship with my mother, but not necessarily one that isn't familiar to a lot of people. When I was about a year and a half old, my mother signed her parental rights over to my maternal grandmother. This was done for a multitude of reasons, but primarily because my mother was incapable of raising me due to mental short falls caused by some incidents when she was a teenager. For a long time, I resented my mom because she gave me up but continued to go through custody battles for my younger half-siblings for years. My family would always tell me that she signed her parental rights away because she knew she was fit enough to be a good parent, and I understood that to a point. As I continued to watch from the sidelines as she was involved with my sister and brother, I grew a bit spiteful.

As I got older, I would ask pretty much everybody in my family why she had gotten rid of me and was told so many different stories that it made my head spin. At one point my mother told me that she signed her rights away because my sister's dad was borderline abusive towards me. This would have been while she was pregnant with my younger sister. According to my mom it was around the same time that they were potty training me and he was just getting frustrated. Mind you this conversation came up when my sister and I were old enough to communicate amongst ourselves, and I mentioned that mom had said this. It sent my sister off the handles to hear her dad accused of this because while he had his flaws, he had never been abusive. Needless to say, this led to some problems between my sister and I for a time.

Another time, my mother said that she signed her rights away specifically so my biological father couldn't find me because he beat her up when he found out she was pregnant. I will clarify that I didn't know my father until I was almost 21 years old, which I will go into another time, and I found out what had really happened. Being as I was born and raised in a small Kansas town, word got around that my mom was pregnant but when I was born rumors started that I had a father, and I was clearly of a different ethnicity than my father. Apparently, she tried to pressure him at one point, but he asked for a paternity test before proceeding any further. Instead of doing the paternity test my mother signed her rights away so that I couldn't be tracked down. There are a couple reasons I'm inclined to believe this, at least to some degree. Throughout my childhood I learned that my mom was the queen of making herself the victim of any situation she could. Even if I took the new conclusion with a grain of salt it still made sense because of my personal experience with my mom. Thanks to my mother's absentee parenting style I did actually learn a lot.

When I was in seventh or eighth grade, I remember having a conversation with my PE teacher about my familial situation. After I had given a brief run-down of why I was with my grandmother and the fact that I didn't know my dad and might as well have not known my mother, my teacher voiced her astonishment. As a seasoned public-school teacher, she wasn't surprised that the situation had come to pass but that I managed to keep a happy and cheery demeanor most of the time. I didn't realize that it was an accomplishment. It just never made much sense for me to waste energy getting up in arms about something that I could not control. My mother being fickle or downright not around in my life was just a fact. In my mind it was the literal embodiment of crying over spilt milk. Having spent so much time mentally chasing the good things instead of focusing on the bad has resulted in me having a lot of good energy come my way, or at least that is how I look at it.

Now that I have my own kid, I am constant worried about being involved enough in her life because I don't want her to feel abandoned the way that I did when I was younger. My daughter is only a toddler right now, but I try to follow through when I say that we are going to do something because I need her to know that she can count on me. I spent so many long hours wondering why I couldn't have a healthy relationship with my mother growing up that I have a nearly pathological need to be a constructive role model for my child. Sometimes spending time with my daughter is as simple as taking a nap with her when I get off work in the morning before I take her to daycare. It's simple but I'm there for her.

Having spent years in a toxic dynamic with my mother, I'm now very protective over who I let in my daughter's life. It's not that I have had to tell anybody they aren't allowed around her but more that I won't force my child to spend the energy on somebody who doesn't have the time for her. There were so many times growing up that I was told that my mom was going to pick me up to do something and she would never show up. It really felt like such a waste of time. If I can help it, no child of mine is going to be forced to feel like they are a waste of time. The near 21-year delay in creating a relationship with my father has given me an understanding of how important it is to allow the involvement of all parents, assuming that there is no abuse or toxic reason to the contrary. I've seen how important it is to get that love and attention from multiple sources and as such make sure that I do my best to ensure my ex has time with our daughter on a regular basis. As far as I see it the child should not be punished for the parents realizing they don't like each other.

My relationship with my mother has never given me the warm and fussy feelings that some people get when they think of their mothers. I don't hate her and I never have. More than anything I used to pity my mother because I believed all the statements that were made about her being the ultimate victim. Now I know better and have my own child I realize how important it is to make the effort to be involved. It's imperative to take responsibility for your own actions and hold others accountable for theirs instead of enabling negative behavior.