I never thought I'd be the person who had kids. Sure, I thought about the idea of maybe having a child and small family one day, but the other part of me didn't want to have to give up my "freedom" as some people would say.
It wasn't until 3 years ago on the same day my grandfather had died that we found out I was pregnant. I would never forget that day as it was by far the most difficult day of my life. I lost a man that practically raised me and now I had a surprise pregnancy on my hands and I didn't even know how to express my emotions. I was heartbroken for my loss, scared that I was creating life inside me and angry at myself all at the same time. I wasn't ready for this change in my life. I was only 25 years old and still had more of my life to figure out. There was no way that I could bring another life into this world when I didn't even know what I was doing with my own life or who I really was as a person. I couldn't stop telling myself that it wouldn't be fair to my baby.
I didn't have a very wonderful childhood. Yes, I did have some very good moments but I also had many, many awful moments growing up and I was afraid that I wouldn't be a good enough mother to my child because of it—I was judging myself before I even gave birth.
After spending the day comforting my grandmother, I decided to go home and do a pregnancy test. Low and be hold, within seconds, the double line appeared showing me that I was pregnant. I remember staring at my results in a haze of panic before turning my direction to the wall in front of me and began to repeatedly say "fuck!" over and over in a whisper. I was horrified. I wasn't ready to be a parent. I had debt, a job I hated, a shitty car and we lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment with a 75 lb dog and 2 cats.
I was scared to tell my fiancé I was pregnant, I didn't know how he would react. Would he want me to abort? Would he be excited or would he leave me if I decided I wanted to keep it? I didn't even know what I wanted to do. We weren't getting any younger and all my friends had children by the time we were 20, but I liked my life being childless. I liked having my pets and being able to come and go as I please. This was going to be one of the biggest decisions I would ever have to make that would change me and my life no matter what decision I made.
We had long discussions about our options and it came down to me not wanting to abort. Once I calmed down and let the reality sit in, I fell in love with my now son, even at only a few weeks. I knew it wasn't going to be easy and it was going to change my/our life forever, but I didn't want to live my life wondering "what if?"
My son is now 2 years old and I couldn't imagine my life without him. We still live in our 2 bedroom apartment with our pets, I have a better job that I love, I have a better car (thanks to the woman who ran a red light while I was pregnant—that will be another story to share) and I have a healthy, happy, crazy, drives-me-mental, toddler. I still struggle, I still have my break downs and my god do I ever miss my sleep, but what an amazing experience it all has been. I have learned that sometimes it's okay to accept change, even if it changes the things you are never ready for. It will make you a stronger person!