Celebrating Lost Loved Ones

This is my son Chris, and as you can see, I just "celebrated" what would have been his 37th birthday.

Why are we always mourning this day with lost loved ones? This is not a day to be mourned for me...it's a day to be CELEBRATED!!! Why you ask? Well...let me tell you why!

This is and was the absolute "BEST" day of my life, that's why!! The day my son was born changed my life for the better forever. Let me give you some insight into my "birthing" day, and his birthday. I went through a lot on this day, first of all I was only 17 and at the time I was pregnant, a friends dog had just given birth to a litter of puppies and then she was hit and killed by a truck three day later. So my friend and I took shifts feeding and cleaning the pups with a warm wet wash cloth to mimic what mom would do for them to potty. I was exhausted from taking shifts for the last two days, I was also ready to have my baby any day. I had just gotten done feeding the last pup when I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom, so I stood up to go and i felt a "pop" and suddenly I am peeing down both legs and I can't stop! I run to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet, it stops, I stand up, it starts again. I went and knocked on my friends door and she comes out(mind you this is my very first and only baby so I have no clue what just happened) I tell her (practically in tears) that I just peed all over the floor and couldn't stop it and she starts yelling to the whole house "IT'S TIME, SHE'S IN LABOR, GET UP!" I am looking at her with an obvious question on my face, and she smiles and says "your water broke sweetie." Suddenly I start to panic and run for my already packed suitcase, because I think that my baby is suffocating without anyway to breathe, and she calms me down and says, "stop worrying, the baby will be fine, lets get you to the hospital."

We get to the hospital and they get me into a room that I will share with at least 6 other women. That is how many came and went in the bed next to me while I was "waiting" for my baby to come. I just sat there listening to woman after woman scream and yell in pain, I was terrified but wouldn't have said "shit" if I'd had a mouthful of it. So, all I could do was sit there and grunt and shred tissues, as each horrific wave of pain came, I felt like I had to take the biggest crap of my life and it just would not come! This lovely nurse came in, and was probably around 45 or so, and tried to tell me that if I needed to yell it was alright, they were used to it. I quickly snapped and said "please just fucking shut up, I am trying to concentrate here!" she gave me a raised eyebrow and walked out. As I am trying not to scream my brains out, here comes my baby's father who I am no longer with because he cheated on me, my current boyfriend, and his father all at once! My legs are in the air, and I am exposed for the world to see! My boyfriend and his father are standing there watching the baby's head crown, and suddenly a light bulb comes on and his dad turns beet red and says "Oh god! I am soooo sorry!" and he flees from the room. I am to tired and in way to much pain to care!

I have now been in labor for almost 18 hours when they start to decide on a C-section because the baby is very stressed and they feel that waiting any longer would be to dangerous. At that moment I begin to feel the urge to push really hard, and I can't stop the feeling! The doctor comes in and says "ok, when I say, you need to push as hard as you can, for as long as you can alright?" I shake my head in agreeance and we begin the 10-15 minute long pushing session that finally produces a baby boy! 8lbs, 8 ounces and 21 inches long! What a night!

I was just happy it was over. The nurses get him weighed, cleaned up, and lay on my chest. His eyes were open and I didn't know he couldn't see me at the time, but all I could do was cry because I knew right then I would never love another human being the way I would love him. He would be my life from here on! That is why I celebrate his birthday, and my "birthing day" because I feel like it was god's design to give me a reason to live, change and grow. At the time I got pregnant, I was a super dope addict, and getting into all kinds of trouble. I wasn't going to school, I was hanging out with a bad element who were either going to get me killed or jailed.

The moment I found out I was pregnant, I quit drugs! I made the decision to put the baby ahead of my selfish needs and it gave me a reason to live a better life. God gave me a way out, and I took it. I needed someone to love me as much as I loved them, he gave me worth...and challenges at times. Chris was my life, then in an instant... he was gone, shot and killed at 18 for doing something stupid when he was drunk. I suddenly found myself alone and desperately looking for a reason to stay here, I took for granted that he would only be here for a little while. How was I to know, and if I had known, would I have made sure to spend each moment wisely? Who knows what I would have done, and now I will never get to find out.

I wasn't a horrible mother, and yes, I made tons of mistakes, but he knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me, and to me that is all that matters. However, there are things that people don't think about when someone has lost a child, and it's not their fault, they just don't think about some of the things we do not get to celebrate, Like the fact that I never watched him graduate, and I won't get to cry as his bride walks down the isle to him to be joined in holy matrimony, or being there for my first grandbaby's birth.

Luckily I have gotten to do some of these things with my bestfriends children who are like my very own kids, but lets be honest, there is always that tiny component missing because as much as I love them and they call me mom/grandma, they aren't my biological children/grandchildren. I often wonder what he would be like today, would he be married with children or would he still be acting like a child. I guess I will never know, but I would like to think he would have made me proud...nomatter what he decided to do and be. I would give my own life for his right now to find out.

That is a heartbroken mother's wish that shall never come true.

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