By the Book

“Six months, nine at most,” said Dr. Shelley, as Claire sunk even further in her chair. “Not exactly what I expected to hear doc,” replied Claire, as she gathered her purse, along with the brochures Dr. Shelley had given her moments before. “I’m sorry Claire, but at this stage in the game I’d suggest considering hospice. I think it’s time to let your family know what is going on with you.” “Thanks doc,” replied Claire, as she walked out of the office door. Claire had known that her cancer had progressed, but she had no idea it was as advanced as she had just heard. As she drove away from the doctor’s office, she started to reflect on her life. All her life, she had lived by the book: completing college at 21, marrying her high school sweetheart, having two kids, and working in her community. She had lived an ordinary life and had not bent the rules in any way. She started to think about her husband, who had died two years earlier from Alzheimer’s. She started to think about the time they spent together, and how they had worked together in the medical field: he being a pediatric doctor, while she was a nurse. They had never spent more than a night apart from each other, and always sacrificed for their kids. They decided not to go on their honeymoon in order to save money for their daughter’s braces. They had never taken a vacation and had never traveled outside of their hometown. Claire started to think about all that she wished she had done over the course of her life and now that it was coming to an end, she felt a surge of regret and anger. As she pulled into her driveway, she could not help but to be upset; upset with herself for not living. Upset with the fact that she had lived an ordinary life. As she tossed her purse on the couch, the hospice brochures Dr. Shelley had given her spilled out. Seeing those brochures made her even angrier. What was she supposed to do? Curl up and die? Was she supposed to sit and wait for death to come to her? How would she tell her children that she had less than a year to live? As she started to question her next move, she looked over to the coffee table and stared at the picture of her husband. She thought to herself that if he were here, he would know what to do. He would know just how to calm her. He always tended to know exactly what she needed when she needed it. She decided to fix herself a cup of coffee and look through her husband’s old pictures and letters. She put on the coffee pot and went into the closet in the bedroom to retrieve his old belongings. She had always kept his belongings close to her because they gave her comfort. She felt like he was near when she would read his old letters. After fixing her cup of coffee, she brought the box of his letters into the living room. As she read each letter, she could hear him saying the words to her. One of her favorite letters to read were his wedding vows. He said to her “Till death do us part and even then, we won’t be apart, for I will always be with you.” As she stared at that sentence, she noticed something in the box. It was a small black notebook. “I’ve never seen this before,” she thought to herself as she picked up the notebook. Inside of the notebook were pictures of her; pictures when she was sleeping, cooking, reading, and laughing. She had never seen these picture before. She had no idea of when these could have been taken or by whom. She flipped through the notebook and noticed that each picture had a caption. “Eating her heart out,” read one, while she was eating spaghetti. “All fun and games” was another, capturing when she was laughing at a tv show. At the end of the notebook was a letter. She felt confused, as she thought she had read all her husband’s letters before. This was dated January 3rd, 2019, the day her husband entered hospice care.

My Dearest Claire,

I want you to know that I have loved you with an honest love. From the moment our eyes met in ninth grade History class, I knew that I never wanted to blink again, because I did not want to miss a moment of seeing you. I have always admired how you cared for me and for our kids. I have watched you grow from a shy teenager to a wonderful mother and wife. Your care and compassion for others has always been evident to me. The way you care for others has been one of the reasons why I have loved you so much. Even in my final months, I continue to see how you put yourself second to make sure I am comfortable.

My dear, how I would have loved to pack up and go to Paris with you! Because we could not go for our honeymoon, you settled on naming our daughter Paris. I would have loved to backpack all over Europe with you or visit the Amazon with you. Oh the adventures we would have! But my dear, although my time has come for me to transition on, it is time for you to live. It is time for you to put yourself first. It is time for you to do the things you have always wanted but could not. Live my dear, live. And always remember, “Till death do us part and even then, we won’t be apart, for I will always be with you.” Take this money and go Claire. Live like your life depends on it.

Forever in my heart, James.

As Claire flipped the page, she noticed a folded check: $20,000. She gasped out loud as she stood, the black notebook falling back into the box. With tears in her eyes, she kissed the checked and looked towards the sky. “Let the good times roll,” she said as she ran upstairs to pack her bags.