Being Alone with My One-Year-Old Still Terrifies Me

There is no feeling in the world that is quite like the love that I feel for my child. At about 16-months old, he is now finally reaching the stage where he’s developing a very defined personality. He speaks only in a few words that he struggles to pronounce, but still somehow manages to make his little baby jokes. For instance, after asking him to not pour his juice on the table, he then proceeds to pretend to do it again, stopping just before tipping it completely — all of this with a mischievous grin on his face. Little bugger.

My son is a relatively “easy” baby — at least according to my wife, who had already raised two other children — but at times I still struggle with not knowing what to do in certain situations. It could almost be described as parental imposter syndrome. Typically, this isn’t a big issue, as she is normally right by my side.

On the occasions that I am left to be fully responsible for our little toddling ball of energy, though, I often feel nervous. The sinking feeling that I am going to make a massive mistake, or that something horrible is going to happen while he is under my watch creeps into my mind. I try to brush away these thoughts, but they have latched onto the fear center of my brain to feed.

Feeding Time Fear

Our son is a great eater. He is on the lower end of the weight spectrum, and always has been. To watch him eat, though, you have to wonder how this can be possible. That boy can put away some food, and loves to try everything edible that he sees. It is fun to see him experimenting with new foods, but it is only fun when I have the comfort of my wife being by my side.

When she is away, feeding time becomes a nerve-racking endeavor as I watch every bite that enters his mouth with agonizing paranoia of what could go wrong. Each bite has me debating whether I’ve cut his food into too large of bites for him. There is no logical reason to have this fear when I am alone but not when my wife is around, as I am responsible for preparing his food every night. My wife has no special super power to keep something bad from happening, but the illogical portion of my brain somehow feels more comfortable when she is there. It makes me feel as though nothing bad could possibly happen.

Bath Time Fear

Aside from meal time, bath time has to be his favorite. Just the mention of the words bath or tub sends him running to the bathroom. He then drags his bath seat to the tub, where I help him with putting it in. As I am securing the seat with the suction cups that hold it in place, he is busy going to the drawer that houses all of his bath toys and proceeds to grab them all and throw them into the tub.

He’ll splish-splash around in there with a big smile on his face for as long as he is allowed. There is little risk of anything going wrong, as I am sitting there by the side of the tub with him the entire time. The seat is well secured, and he has no toys that are any kind of a hazard.

Still, the illogical fears burrow their way into my brain. What if I somehow get distracted, and in those 3 seconds something awful happens? What if he stands up and loses his balance so quickly that I have no time to even react? The visions of what could possibly happen are far too terrifying to put into words here, so I will not even attempt to do so. But if any other overly-nervous parents are reading this, I am certain they will completely understand my fears.

Bed Time Fear

After a fully nerve-racking day, it’s finally time for rest. Fortunately, we have a baby here who is pretty good about going to sleep. On occasion he will stand in his crib and cry for a while, but most nights he will just lay down with his favorite blanket and go to sleep.

But there it is. That blanket. Despite the pediatrician assuring us that it is perfectly safe at his age, it still sets off my nerves. I have tried putting him down to sleep without a blanket to quell my own fears, but he simply will not have any of that. If I don’t allow him to have his blanket, he will stand at the side of the crib and cry endlessly until I give in. Once again, this seems to only affect me greatly when I am the sole responsible party, as if I believe my wife possesses the power to know when something bad is about to happen and prevent it.

Coping with Illogical Fear

So how do I push past the nerves and fears? Through brute force, honestly. I am still looking for a better way.

For now, in order to put my mind at ease, all I can do is remind myself that the things I am worrying about are not logical, and that the likelihood of something disastrous happening is very small. I remind myself that I am a good father and that I will always keep my little man safe. Whether my wife is by my side at any given time or not, I always have a watchful eye on my son and this keeps him protected. The illogical still continues to gnaw away at my fear center, but I can at least talk myself through.

Final Thoughts

When I planned on writing this piece, I did not intend for it to end quite like this. Writing it has brought forth a bit of a revelation, it seems. As I am putting together this story, I’m realizing that my greatest fears with my son have to do with something preventing him from breathing. Fear of choking while eating, fear of drowning at bath time, and a fear of suffocation while sleeping. It makes me wonder if there is some underlying issue in my own past that has to do with asphyxiation. Perhaps a topic to explore in greater depth at another time.