Becoming a Parent - A Daddy's Perspective

If you're reading this then you're in a good place, because soon enough you'll discover that most things you see will be through exhausted and fragmented eyes.

That's right, you're in for a total shock when that little one comes home, and before long you'll be crying out "WHY ME?" at least ten times a day. That's normal, and I can assure you not only me, but every other parent on the planet has done the same thing, too.

Parenthood is a brutal chapter in any person's life. Brutal, but incredibly rewarding and hands down the greatest accomplishment in human existence. That may be hard to believe when you're slugging your way through those long and gruelling first few months, but as time passes and the milestones start to appear, you eventually begin to see the bigger picture.

If you're new to parenthood then you'll literally have a fraction of a clue when it comes to raising a new life under your own domain. Maybe you've taken care of a younger sibling or distant cousin once or twice, and perhaps you thought it was a piece of cake and could do it any day of the week.

But then when they suddenly burst into tears and have a meltdown in your arms, what do you do? You put them back into the parents arms and allow them to deal with the tantrums and the fallout of a baby crisis. That's the best part of looking after other people's kids; you don't have to worry about the bad days, only bask among the good ones.

When it comes to your own you'll have to enter the harsh reality of having to endure those temper tantrums and deal with them yourself.

Soon enough you'll realise that you can't avoid the crocodile tears, and handing over the problematic child to someone else is now entirely on you. That's a hard thing to get used to and can sometimes feel almost overwhelming.

That along with many other things is what makes parenting one of the hardest things to do. But let me back up a bit and break down the stages into smaller chunks, from working through your partner's pregnancy to the first smile on your little ones rosy cheeks.Grab yourself a coffee and settle in for this one.

Enjoy being awake whilst you read this, because soon you'll come to learn that sleep is a rarity that comes by once in a blue moon when sharing the house with a baby.

So enjoy these moments. You're in for a wild ride!

Hearing the News

There's no such thing as a single emotion that goes through our bodies when we hear the news. Our eyes lock up and our hearts stop beating for a moment. The world around turns quiet and the static in our ears rings for minutes that seem like an eternity.

As you stare at your partners lips speaking to you in slow motion, you only make out the words "I... am... pr-" and the rest becomes blank.

It's a feeling like any other and to put it into one strong emotion would simply be impossible. Happiness, shock, horror, excitement, panic, worry, dread, fear—it's all coursing through your body and you don't exactly know how to react.

It's something that might have taken you entirely by storm and was the last thing you were expecting to hear on a boring Tuesday afternoon. Or it was something you were hoping to hear for months, even years, and it finally came true and you couldn't be happier.

Whatever the situation, it's no doubt the news is major and you're going to be in some sort of sudden transfixed state as you hear the words for the first time.My better half, Hollie, who at the time was my girlfriend of only three months, was so afraid to give me the news and danced around the truth for so long. She feared what I'd say and how I'd react, especially as we were only together for a short space of time.

When she told me she had something to tell me, I only assumed the worst. I had that sudden sinking feeling as if I were going to lose everything I had tried so hard to gain. My heart skipped a beat and my head quickly cycled between reasons why she'd be unhappy with me or what I might have done to hurt her.

What I wasn't expecting was the "I'm pregnant" scenario—not by a long shot. I'll be honest, it wasn't something we had entirely planned. I know that sounds awful but it's true (and if you're reading this in 20 years Ivy, you WERE totally planned...). When Hollie and I raised the idea of kids, we usually tiptoed around the idea and if anything avoided it. We said we'd wait until we were at least 30 before even thinking about settling down as a Mummy and Daddy.

That didn't happen, and so when she told me the news at only 22-years-old, I had a sudden halt in my words. I stood my ground as she stared at me with vacant eyes, dreading my response. For a minute or so I stared openly at the wall, experiencing all the emotions stated above all in one powerful suckerpunch to the temple. I quietly opened my lips and felt the dry air crawl out, and with one swoop, I said probably the most idiotic thing to date.

"Can we name them Bob?"

I have no idea why. Perhaps it was because I thought I was dreaming and I could get away with saying anything because it didn't matter too much. But it was happening, and I wasn't overly sure how to process it other than by mumbling stupid things and putting my guard up every time the word 'baby' came out of her mouth.Hearing the news that you're going to be a father is a heavy impact on your world, for the better of course.

I won't lie there's no denying being a Dad is an honour, but it doesn't stop that sinking feeling of panic when you hear the news for the very first time. It's a lot to take in, and soon enough your world rotates and puts you in a place you aren't overly comfortable with.

It's time to put your game face on and say, "Hey, this IS happening. Let's get to work."

Facing the Reality

So the blow to the head has finally healed and you've taken the news on board. It's really happening. You are having a baby.

There is no going back now, my friend.

After those first few hours your emotions would have settled down and the reality of becoming a dad has started to chisel its way in to your head.

Unfortunately that isn't the only thing trying to get into your mind, I'm sorry to say.

The excitement of having a baby is marching ahead in your brain, but as time moves forward those little concerns pitter patter their way into your conscience.

Worries about money or how you'll afford the new found lifestyle of being a parent. Panics over whether or not you'd make a good enough role model or even if you're ready to take on such a big commitment altogether. You're likely to have a meltdown and hit that emotional wall of reckoning, causing you to ask that ever daunting question, "Am I ready to have a baby?" I can guarantee that we've all been there. Being 22, I worried more than ever about how I'd support my partner emotionally and a baby financially.

I was in a pretty good position at work at the time, and I was more than capable of feeding a baby and putting a roof over our heads, but that didn't for once stop me from panicking about how I'd get through it all in one piece.

A million and one things enter your mind and it's almost impossible to process it all at once. And quite frankly every day is a new challenge and you spend most hours of the night awake and wondering how you'll do the things you weren't prepared for. Little things like how to even hold a baby correctly, or how to sterilize a bottle without it overheating. It all adds up and hits you hard over those first few weeks. That's normal, and it's figuring out how to cope with it that's the daunting task.

But I assure you, you'll get through it so long as you tackle these concerns one baby step at a time, no pun intended.It's always best to remember that there is going to be help no matter your situation. There is always a family member or friend who'll be willing to help you. There's always advice a council body can give you and will forever be dozens of online sources to provide you with the information you need. There is ALWAYS a way to get you through the initial stages and even after. It's just taking the time to process the information and coming to terms with how you're life is going to change in just under a year.But remember, you CAN do it.

Remembering Your Dreams

One of the many concerns we have in those first few weeks is how we're going to plan our lives around this new life being introduced to our universe.

Perhaps we dreamt of seeing the world or picking up that degree in Creative Writing. Maybe we always thought we'd have more time before settling down for a baby and that suddenly we have to cram every little ambition into nine months before it's too late. But I can confidently say that you have all the time in the world, and those little dreams of yours aren't going anywhere. They'll be postponed sure, but they are still there waiting for you to chase them.Before I found out I was going to be a Dad I had plans of backpacking Europe and heading off to University. I had dreams of making it big as a bestselling author; breaking out into the mainstream where people would want to make films out of my stories. I, like you, have dreams, and I still do.

Becoming a parent never means having those dreams ripped away from you. They are still within sight and achievable. You just need to plan around the little one and make sure to fulfill your own goals as well as your baby's.

To this day I still write, and I still travel, because I MADE time to be myself and not just a dad. That's important to remember. You will still be your own person. Nothing should ever change that.There's no doubt raising a baby can grasp a solid 90% of your time, but you need to find the balance and give yourself that extra "me time" in order to satisfy and pursue your own dreams. So take an hour to write that book, study that topic, pick up that hobby. You HAVE time. Don't assume these nine months will be your last.

Supporting the Mother

Whatever your circumstance, there's no excuse not to be there through the pregnancy. Whether the mother of your soon-to-be child is a partner, friend, or barely an acquaintance, YOU have to be present and support them through the coming months.

Remember that they are going through the exact same emotions as you, and if it's their first child too, then chances are they'll be desperate for guidance and assistance. This is where you step in and be the help SHE needs.

Be fully aware that over those three trimesters the mother will be going through a rollercoaster of emotions, and after a while it's no doubt she'll be gunning for you at any chance she gets. That means that even the smallest of mistakes on your part can mean D-Day for the mother. So be ready to take the blame... even if it wasn't your fault.

I remember when Hollie was about four months pregnant and going through some tough times in terms of the body transformation and getting frustrated over anything and everything.

I was simply hanging a set of canvases on our living room wall. One by one, I aligned them and made sure to space them out perfectly, taking a minute or two to check if they were straight.

Hollie suddenly burst through the door and roared, "All you care about is your f*****g canvases! You might as well shove them up your a***!"

It was at that moment I knew I was in for a long few months, made longer by the persistent requests for midnight snacks and things I couldn't actually acquire at 3 AM.

But there was a love and a bond so strong that I knew I'd do anything for her and I wanted to see her as comfortable as possible. So whatever she requested, I made sure to deliver by any means necessary.

Fighting against the inevitable is simply a pointless act. So do yourself a favour; buy the damn snacks. Cook her a meal. Take her for breakfast. Do the washing up. Do whatever it takes to keep her happy. She NEEDS you more than you need her.

The main thing to remember during the pregnancy is you're not the one who has to squeeze this life out of your downstairs area. That's entirely on her.

In fact, all of the toughest parts are on her, and the most we get is a hand dented with teeth marks and jagged nails. So in comparison to the pain they'll be dealing with, we have it easy. So don't ever think about complaining to the mother prior to the big day. You'll thank me later.

Avoid any confrontation and when they may be playing on your last nerve, simply choose to walk away and take five, because no matter how strong you think you are, nothing wins when facing a pregnant woman. They will always be the victor. So just play by the rules and keep your head down for the duration. And remember, it WILL subside... eventually.

Buying the Necessities

Believe me, there are a lot of things you are going to need. And I thought people were joking when they said, "Have you bought Ewan The Dream Sheep yet?" But they weren't, and turns out that little purple sheep was worth more than I could've imagined.I won't lie there are a lot of things you are going to need prior to the due date. So many things that I can't list them all in one place. But a lot of other things can be purchased over time—things like pushchairs and rocking chairs. Things that will be good to own as soon as possible, but aren't exactly a priority you should look to immediately. Buying baby items new can cost you an arm and a leg, but don't assume the only place you can pick these items up are fancy mothercare stores that charge £100 for a bottle warmer. There are alternatives, and plenty at your disposal.

It's an instinct to go straight towards the flashy new bits with tags, but don't put yourself in debt before the baby even arrives. There are some things you can buy brand new, and some you can pick up second-hand. And don't think for a second it makes you a lower class citizen for buying something pre-owned.

If you take a look at Facebook Marketplace for example. Places like that offer so much at cheap prices and on occasion, even free.

I can't quite tell you how much Hollie and I used sources like that to bag our bargains of the year.

We collected four almost new pushchairs over the space of two years, and we never spent more than £40. Whereas if you went to a superstore you'd be expected to fork out at least £400 for one alone. So if you're tight for cash and the thought of losing thousands seems rather depressing, do yourself a favour and shop around. There are ALWAYS ways of getting the things you need for the budget you're suited for.

For a list of things you'll need, take a quick look at this link:Baby Centre: Buying for Baby What You Really Need

Preparing for the Grand Finale

So the nine months are almost over and the big day is right around the corner. You're sitting on the edge of your seat every waking moment biting your lips and expecting any moment to be "the time."

The good news is you've made it through to the end, and you're about to meet your little one for the very first time. The bad news is you have to equip yourself with an ocean amount of courage in order to support the mother through those final steps.

I won't act like it isn't scary, because it is. In fact, I was terrified when Hollie went into the delivery suite to give birth to our daughter.

I recall being on my fifth coffee whilst we sat there waiting in the shared room with three other patient women. It was pushing midnight and Hollie was in a whole world of pain. We had been waiting to hear from the delivery suite for almost eight hours and we had no idea of how much longer we'd be waiting for.

"Have a little walk" or "Spend some time on your exercise ball" never helped towards the amount of stress Hollie was going through, and sometimes I felt the sudden urge to grab a nurse and just scream "SHE NEEDS HELP!" into their tired little faces. But I didn't, thank God.

I honestly hated seeing her in pain, and no amount of comforting words would ever make a big enough impact to subside the pain she was going through. So all I could do was wait, and those final few hours before becoming a parent really are the times you think to yourself, "Damn. This is really about to happen!"

It was about 4 AM when Hollie got the call from the midwives. Her mum and I were clinging on for life in a desperate attempt to stay awake after almost 24 hours of having our eyes pinned open. But as soon as the call came down, it was all action stations and fighting to greet our baby girl.

Hours of hard labour went by and the moment finally arrived where the midwives called out, "You're almost there, Hollie. I can see the head!"

That was a moment that I'll never forget, and knowing that at any second I would be a daddy to this little creature was a feeling I couldn't ever describe.

The adrenaline coursing through your veins, the rush of excitement cycling through your brain, the kicking, the screaming, the crying—all flying by in moments. And then suddenly there they are, inches away from you. Your baby.

Don't be confused or concerned when you realise a newborn baby isn't exactly what you've seen in films. They aren't these chubby pink little humans at all, but more along the lines of a purple little alien... things.

I panicked when I saw my daughter for the first time for that exact reason. "Why is she purple? Why does she look scrunched up?" I thought out loud.

But let me tell you, that's normal. So don't let films paint the picture for you, because babies do NOT look like that at all. So expect funny colours and plenty of gunky bits. There's always plenty of gunky bits.

One last thing—don't be afraid to cry.

I know that being a man, we hide our emotions a lot of the time and pretend not to care about much but this is the one time you don't have to act tough.

When I first saw my baby girl I burst into tears. In fact I was the only one in the room crying. It was such an emotional and shocking moment that I couldn't help but cry in pure happiness. It was a moment I'd never forget, and possibly the proudest I've ever been in my life. So don't hold back, because there may not be another moment like this for the rest of your days!

Be there for every second of the labour, and do whatever it takes to keep the mother warm and comfortable. Don't expect them to laugh or be in a state of joy, because they won't. So do everything you can, and remember that you're in it TOGETHER. Your baby will be in your arms before you know it, and it's quite scary just how quick it really passes by.

Kiss the mother on the head, thank her for what she's just done, and hold her close, because she's just given life. There's no greater achievement than that.

The First Few Weeks

When we brought our daughter home, I was terrified she'd break in two on the first day. I was afraid I'd accidentally snap her arms when putting her pyjamas on.

In my mind she was this fragile little thing that would crumble into pieces if I so much as stared at her the wrong way.

This tiny human, no larger than my forearm; resting quietly and looking up to me for guidance. Quite a scary thing, isn't it? How we're suddenly responsible for not only ourselves but another life, too.

The first few weeks are no doubt the hardest you'll go through, because everything is so fresh and confusing. You'll make mistakes time and time again and question whether or not you're doing something right, but we've all been there, and over time it becomes second nature to you.

The nappy changing, the sickups, the bottle sterilizing—it all slowly grows into a familiar habit that you learn to do with your eyes closed.

The toughest part you'll quickly come to learn is that sleep is no longer an option at night, especially in those first few weeks. You'll suddenly notice that your eight hours a night convert into one hour naps spread over an entire day.

Stood vacantly in your dimly lit kitchen at 3 AM with a bottle in one hand and a screaming baby in the other—that's parenthood!

This is where it gets fun, so buckle in!

I spent months sleeping on a sofa beside the Moses basket purely because I found it easier to fling myself from that rather than a cosy king size bed. I could jump into action like a good little soldier and carry out my duties at the first sign of whining.

Every night I did that, right up until it became a comfortable routine for myself and Hollie. And soon enough I became this superhero dad; armed with a utility belt full of bottles and dummies, ready to take on the world one nappy at a time.

It's no doubt both of you will be exhausted all hours of the day and at times feel like collapsing. We've all been there, right at the bottom of the scale and wishing we were anywhere else. Believe me, it's hard. But you aren't alone.

There are billions of people in the same position as you every single day, so keep in mind your fighting the good fight as an army, not as an individual.

Working out a routine between yourself and the mother is vital, because should a plan not be in place then expect the world to start falling through.

Discuss hours and sleeping patterns; who has the baby when and how long for? When do we get time together and when do I have some alone time? These are things you HAVE to figure out if you're planning on maintaing your sanity and keeping your head above water.

After those initial first few weeks you'll discover that parenting is getting easier by the day. Being thrown up on doesn't quite bother you anymore and scooping formula into a bottle at 5 AM isn't too daunting, either. You're doing what you're supposed to do, and you're doing a great job, too.

Remember that the mother is going to be ten times worse than you for the first month or two, because recovery after having a baby is long and painful, and can sometimes render them completely drained and out of order.

This is the time for us as Dad's to step in and take the reins whilst the recovery does its thing and pieces the mother back together day by day.

So be patient, power through, and do your duty as a father. I can assure you that even though Mum may not be as responsive as you'd like, they ARE grateful for everything you do. So keep strong. It gets easier, I promise.

Not Only Parents, But Partners

After the first month you'll notice things start to ease off a bit and days are less tense than before. You've settled on a routine and you're powering through the days like a team. This is the time you need to break yourself away from the parenting and remember to be a couple, too.

By that, I don't mean dropping the responsibility on to somebody else's shoulders, but more shedding some of the weight aside in order to be a team outside of the house, too.

One thing somebody told me before having my daughter was "Just because you're a parent, doesn't mean you should stop being a partner"—and that's true, you shouldn't.

We get so bogged down in parenthood that we find it easy to lose our ways and forget to spend time as couples as well as parents.

We're too busy interacting with a baby to actually speak to our partners and remember they exist outside of our own little worlds, and without communication it's inevitable the cracks will begin to show in the relationship.

So as a rule of thumb, make it a goal to spend at least one night a week doing something together. A dinner date, a film—anything to get you out of the house and into each other's arms (aw).

The good thing with having a baby is everyone wants to be around to give them fuss. Those are your opportunities to strike whilst the iron is hot and venture away from the crib and towards something a little more entertaining. So take your chances when presented with them and never feel bad for wanting some alone time with your other half. It's been a long year, and both of you deserve a break once in a while. Just don't take the p***!

Looking Towards the Future

It might come as a surprise to you that time passes us by quicker than we'd like it too, especially when it comes to watching our little ones grow.

We always hear the saying "They grow up so fast!" and never quite think anything of it, but sadly it's true.

The first few months feel like an eternity, but before you know it you're a year down the line celebrating the first birthday and looking back at where it all went.

The long nights and endless tears all seemed to go by in a flash, even though at the time it didn't quite feel that way. And yet here you are, with a little bundle of joy in your arms; growing bigger and bigger and developing a new skill every day.

It's the milestones that keep us going each morning. The sheer amounts of joy we feel when we see our kids doing something new that come completely out of nowhere. The first smile, the insanely adorable laugh, the first steps or even hearing "Mama" or "Dada" for the first time. It's all enough to keep us on our toes and remind us why being a parent is the greatest thing in the world. It's an achievement unlike any other and enough for us to be proud for what we have done.

Becoming a parent will change your life forever, but with the right outlook on it you might just find it's what you've been missing all along. So embrace it, and overall enjoy every last second of the experience. You're going to do great and the future is looking brighter than ever.

Good luck, Dad. You've got this.

- J Tury

Oh, and in case you're wondering, we didn't name our child Bob.