Because of You... I Am!

Hey Mom,

I know you thought you would never hear from me again, and to be quite honest, not speaking to you for as long as I lived was in fact my truest intention.

Until recently,

Just the thought of you, in itself, brought a painful waterfall of tears to my eyes.

But, just like this letter to you, I chose to release it all.

I could say I don't know how we got here. But if we are going to keep it honest, we know that would breed a lie. Twenty-six years of life in this world, yet I still feel like a Ten-year-old little girl when I think of you. That little girl wanted nothing else but to please you, make you smile, and make you proud no matter what. Who knew an intention so pure could cause damage so great that generations to come would need healing from the pain it caused... Believe it or not, I think you knew what kind of heartache that kind of hope could produce in someone so innocent. I believe you once held that same hope in your heart many years ago. Through time, that "innocent hope" you carried morphed into "hate" and left a stain embedded in the depths of your heart that no amount of love could ever fully wash away. Or, so you assumed.

But, unknowingly, I tried.

I tried so hard. I tried to see you, I tried to be you, I tried to fulfill everything you ever wanted me to. But I never truly could. You see, at that time I didn't know everything it took to be you. I had no idea what it took to be "That Woman". The woman who could talk the talk and walk the walk in any room necessary to make her visions come true. Ten-year-old me had no clue that "That Woman" stemmed from a young girl who had her first child at 16-years-old after being abused, abandoned, and forced to figure out this tough world on her own. I don't know if it would have made a big difference then.

But, I do know, it makes all the difference now.

It makes all the difference now because I know you tried. I know that in those moments of being my mother, you gave your best. Even when it didn't appear so to me or my sister, you did. Those moments where beatings and bruises were the only ways you knew how to express your love and fears, the times when isolation met verbal intimidation to keep your daughters safe from world harm. I look back now and I graciously accept that, in those moments, it was all you had to give us. I appreciate you.

In the spirit of acceptance, I offer forgiveness.

I offer forgiveness in its sincerest form. I intentionally choose to forgive you, mommy, without receiving the apology I so desperately longed for in years past. And with it, I companion unconditional love for you. A love without conditions is what I found to be the cure for me, in turn, I freely share that same love with you. I truly do Love You! So I forgive you, for not allowing us to just be. Be your daughters, be young ladies, be vulnerable, be emotional, just be in our own right. Without limitations or expectations. Whatever that may have been for us back then; all we wanted to do was just be whoever we were meant to be at that time. I understand now that was senseless to demand something you didn't have to give. You required of us, what you often required of yourself: Strength. And I realize those things don't resolve through blame. I understand you.

So, instead of blame, I show compassion.

I show compassion for the 14-year-old you that met her biological mother at a house party in Brooklyn, New York while standing next to the woman whom you assumed to be your mother your entire life. I will never know what it must have felt like to learn you were taken in by your aunt because your birth mother rejected you; her only daughter, while raising her four sons as her own. I don't know the strength it took to overcome that pain and then to bore daughters of your own, but I show compassion to the pain that was and the hurt that still is. I show compassion to the anger, regret, hatred, and past choices that experience and all the others from your life might have caused you. You didn't deserve any of that, it was not your fault and you did the best you could with the hand you were dealt. I heal for you.

In retrospect, I am grateful for you!

I am grateful for all that you were and who you've become, despite your past. Because of you, I am. I am determined because I have never seen you cower in the face of adversity. I am brave because I've seen you make your mark in uncharted territory. In your lifetime, you've published books, started a non-profit organization, created a business for yourself producing jobs for others, and traveled to places your counterparts wouldn't dare dream of going; all as a woman of color. No amount of mistakes can ever take away your accomplishments. I didn't want to see it before because of my own hurt and unresolved pain. I see you, all of you, now.

Something happened, requiring me to see things from your point of view...

I could either carry on the bitter traditions of generations' past or I could choose to reflect upon those painful dealings and pave a new way. Becoming a mother myself caused a paradigm shift. A shift that allowed me to align with my own divine being and appreciate the very life I am here to live, as well as the lives of the little ones I have created.

I am a Mother now, mom.

I have two handsome little boys. And in them, I see that same innocent hope you and I once shared some time ago. To learn how to nurture that with love; I had to figure out how to nurture that within myself which led to the acceptance, forgiveness, compassion, and gratitude I first had to give you. And I did. Without saying a word to you, I did the work. Becoming a Boss Mom for my boys meant handling boss business, ending generational pain and curses, and realizing that without you stepping up through the mud and grit and giving all you had available to give then; I never would have become the person I am now.

Because of you, I know that I have a choice in life. I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. And I learned that no matter what happens to me in this lifetime,

my best can always be better and it will be!

So Thank You, Mommy. For being a Boss in your own right. The best boss you knew how to be and paving the way for me to become a better version of you. Now I have something worth passing down to my children that is priceless: the knowledge and will to become better versions of the ones that came and endured before them.

Because of you, I am. And Because I am, they will be.

I've evolved from that ten-year-old girl, mom, but I still plan to make you proud...