Authentic Self

Throughout our lives, we become many different people. We change in order to become the best version of ourselves and personify that authentic self. The journey to that authenticity is rocky and there are many bumps in the road, with many of us failing along the way. Life tests us. Sometimes we pass and sometimes we fail but we learn something from that failure. This is not a story about failure, it is a story about success.

This is a story about providing a beloved family member with a birthday that she would not forget.

Not one that involved sitting on the sofa, making her own dinner and purchasing her own presents.

No. This is a story in which my authentic self emerged from the shadows, slapped me around the face and said, 'take notice and do something about this'.

What is authenticity?

Authenticity comes from our experiences how we are brought up and how we move into the world. This can easily be assumed to be kindness and decency but that would not cover the complete definition. It is more about living up to our values.

If we define those values to be around throwing kittens out of the window and we live our lives by performing such actions, then are we not authentic?

Your authentic self is the version of you that lives up to that voice in your head. The one that says:

• Drink coffee every day
• Get money
• Treat people well
• or give to charity.

The authentic self is of our own making and cannot be defined by another. We will be judged on that authentic self but as long as we live up to that version of ourselves, then we should be able to hold our heads high. Regardless of how I would judge someone who threw kittens out of the window, I would have to say if that is who they set out to be, then they are being authentic.

Authenticity is something by which we define ourselves and regardless of 'who' that is, we all run through moments of fear. When we discover who we truly are and risk being laughed at or judged but when we fully embrace our authentic self, we are free.

A Little Context

I am 32 years old. An only child with but one parent growing up (Mother), my Grandparents filled in the gaps but at 80+ when I first met them, they were a little limited. They were amazing but there were several things that I simply figured out for myself (sex) or through friends laughing at me at University (ironing).

I had friends but realistically, I spent a lot of time by myself or with my Mum and so regardless of our differences (I will never be into murder mysteries), I always wanted the best for her, as any loving son would.

I always hoped that she would meet someone cool and not like my Dad or the first boyfriend (alcoholic + prison versus indecent images). I prayed (I am not religious but sometimes you just want to believe) for it to be third time lucky and well, it wasn't.

I have made an effort for the near fifteen years that I have known him but it's just not going to happen and these days I approach the situation like a cat with an old toy.

You make an effort and feign interest but really, you are bored and want to know what is on the TV. We exchange pleasantries and he jokes about giving my future children a gun, as well as getting them drunk...Something that would be considered as an inappropriate attempt at humour but as he continually claims that he drank 90% proof alcohol growing up, I am a little scared about leaving the children in their care.

I could go on but you get the point. I paint on my happy face but when I see my Mum look sad when she wants to do something, especially on her birthday, only to be greeted with a grunt and 'TV', you take notice.

2019

Before the pandemic there were options. The world was free to move around as it saw fit, to breed and drink, travel and dance to the beat of its own drum and it was this year in which I arranged a surprise birthday weekend for my Mum.

Living in London, it was and is easy to arrange more or less anything that you want to. From a child's birthday outside of a famous landmark to offering a proposal on a big wheel. London has everything.

"Why, Sir, you find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford."

— Samuel Johnson

Living here, you feel as though you are a kid in a candy store. Around every corner, there is intrigue and excitement, the two feelings that I wanted to encapsulate for my Mum, even if it was just for one year. One that was full of new experiences and not eating at the same takeaway shop after buying her own gifts.

I wanted to give back and be there for my Mum after all the money borrowed at University (never paid back), clothes washed and whims indulged (I want that game...that game still sits on the side of the living room, waiting to be played).

So in 2019, I purchased two tickets. One for her and one for her husband, as I wanted to be fair, alongside showcasing what could be done.

The Weekend

After they both arrived in London I escorted them back to my house, where my fiancee was waiting with a handpicked lunch of salad and bread in order to fuel the day and be as easy to digest as humanly possible. From there we saw the sights and sounds of the South Bank, the markets, the SeaLife Centre and Shrek's Adventure (I have no idea why my Mum wanted to go here, but as it was her birthday, I indulged her), before heading home for a home-cooked meal and birthday cake.

That was day one and following on from this we went to Kew Gardens, followed by a trip to Richmond and later in the evening, presents and more cake. A great weekend I thought and whilst I did not do it for the praise, it was so nice to hear my Mum say that it was 'the best birthday ever'.

It was lovely to hear but equally, it was sad that her husband has never gone above and beyond to do something like this for her. It is something that continues to pop up every now and then. I wonder if the pandemic had not kicked off, then would he have put forth something in 2020?

Whilst we will never know the answer to the pandemic question, I am glad that I followed through and listened to my instincts. Too often in life, we choose to ignore when our authentic selves are exposed. No one can judge us on this other than ourselves.

We are judged on what we do, as what we say can be changed in our memories and authenticity comes from doing what we feel is right.

A Final Thought

Authenticity is something that is subjective. If you consider drinking alcohol every day of your life until liver disease finds you and kills you, and you do that on a day-to-day basis, then you are arguably being authentic. I would judge you but that is not the purpose of this exercise.

In terms of personal authenticity, I am a nice person but feel self-conscious about being too nice, as it is something that people can take advantage of. It is also something that caused me to be rejected from a potential job.

At times my authentic self breaks out of the societal constraints in which it has been placed. At others times it is locked down solid for fear of being taken advantage of as I know what the world is capable of.

When I created a birthday weekend for my Mum I was thinking of her and her only. To create an experience that she would never forget as I owe her so much. She raised me on her own, kept me safe and whilst I may comment on her cooking as being awful, I love her. I do not understand all of her decisions and may never find common ground with my Step Dad, but I'll always be there for my Mum, as she has been there for me.