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Attachment Issues

We all just want someone to love us

By Rebecca SmithPublished 4 years ago 5 min read
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“What cannot be communicated to the [m]other cannot be communicated to the self.”

― John Bowlby

Growing up, I never really had anyone to confide in. No one to sort of cling to. I had parents, but they split up when I was little. My mum was an alcoholic, so I could never really tell her anything. Any time I tried, she was more interested in something else, or she’d get paranoid and my life would be hell for a while. My dad can’t deal with emotions. He’s pretty much a robot. And a lot of the time, I like that, because I hate overly emotional people, but when I need someone, it sucks.

I had a few friends. Not many, but I liked it that way. But my friends always seemed emotionally immature. My best friend would laugh at the slightest innuendo. So I never really thought I could talk to her about the real stuff. The stuff that was affecting me.

So naturally, I got attached to the people I shouldn’t. I’ve only ever been attached to three people in my life - but none of them cared about me in the way I wanted them to. Which in the end, just made my trust issues a million times worse.

Attachment One - My History Teacher

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. But honestly, he understood a lot. He was easy to talk to and he was the first person that ever made time for me. He would give up his lunch break to talk to me about the stuff that was going on. He never seemed pissed off by my presence (he probably was, he just hid it well). There were loads of rumours that went around the school about e fancying him, or whatever, but I just found comfort in having someone to talk to. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel stupid for feeling the way I felt about some things. But that only lasted about four years, because I left school and you weren’t allowed to keep in contact with teachers. I missed him for a long time after, but I’m finally over it.

“It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.”

― A.A. Milne

Attachment Two - A Uni Lecturer

I know, I know, I should’ve learnt the first time. But in my defence, university lecturers are very different to teachers. And with her, she reminded me of my mum. Well, how my mum would’ve been if she wasn’t an alcoholic. This lecturer helped me a lot with my home life. She gave me the confidence to finally stand up to my mum and for the first time - actually make proper friends. I wasn’t aware at the time, but she actually wasn’t as nice as she seemed, but for the few months that I knew her properly, she was lovely to me.

She had kids as well, so she had that natural maternal side to her. And she hugged me. I don’t really do physical contact, not unless I really trust the person, but from the first time she caught me off guard, I didn’t mind with her. It was weird, I felt like a totally different person when I was around her.

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached. ”

― Simone Weil

Attachment Three - An Actress - The One That Hurt The Most

This one hurts. I’d been a fan of this person for twelve/thirteen years. I had never met her, but I adored her work and watching her helped me through a lot of personal hardships when I was growing up. In a way, she saved me. That may sound dumb, but we take our comforts where we can find them.

I finally had the opportunity to meet her, and we just clicked. She followed me on Social Media, we would DM and she’d check in on me every so often. After that, I got to see her loads. At various plays, film events, etc. It was great. As we got closer, I opened up to her more. She was so lovely and so understanding. But her fandom hated me because we were close. I got death threats, I was bullied to the point that I was in hospital due to a stress related illness from what they did to me and more. It was horrific. But all through it, the actress was still so lovely to me. She didn’t believe their lies and she constantly told me not to worry, etc.

Anyway, she added me to her private facebook and I had her number. Her actually phone number. She made all these promises and got my hopes up loads. But sadly, she never kept to her word. I understand with a lot of it - she’s busy, she has her own life, I’m only a fan. But she knew what it all meant to me Then she started ignoring me and talking more to the people who had bullied me. She added them to facebook, she gave them her number. I was just tossed aside. Every now and then, she would drop me a message. I’d keep trying to hang on. But now, I know that I just need to let go. But this was the hardest for me. I lost my mum in 2018, and this actress became that maternal figure. In fact, she let me call her something relating to ‘mum.’ She knew exactly what she meant to me, but still tossed me aside and made me feel awful - whether she meant to or not. The bullies won. And I lost the most important person to me, due to their jealousy and disgusting behaviour.

“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”

― Steve Maraboli

So what did I learn from this? You can’t trust anyone. You can’t rely on anyone. Everyone will let you down in the end. I’ve always been isolated, but those three people just put me back to square one. I’ll never be able to trust anyone again. I wish I could. I want to be happy. But every time I try to make a change, to take a hold of my life, something else decides to knock me back.

grief
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About the Creator

Rebecca Smith

She/Her

Just be f*cking nice 🙌

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