Anger Management for Children

There is growing concern about the incidence of violent behavior among children and teens. Parents, teachers, and other adults need to understand the complexities related to violence among those under eighteen in order to help children deal with their anger in a positive and constructive manner. The one definite is that poor anger management escalates as children mature if they do not learn positive conflict resolution beginning in early childhood and continuing as they get older.

Both a lack of anger control or constructive conflict resolution skills have been linked to domestic violence, cruelty to animals, child abuse, rage killings, bullying, along with community crimes like vandalizing and destruction of personal and private property.

As cited in an article published on the Center for Disease Control and Prevention Disability and Safety Services website, the anger or frustration of toddlers is usually reactive or impulsive in response to something that has happened to them, such as having a toy taken away. As children grow and develop more advanced language, social skills, and planning ability, proactive or planned aggressive behavior may become more common.

Conflict is normal but positive resolution is key

Since children, for the most part, spend the majority of their time with a parent or other adult family member they pick up behaviors and attitudes by watching or mimicking the adults they interact with. They may also adopt behaviors from older siblings, peers in the neighborhood, and school friends. Learning and developmental disabilities or mental health issues that can result in angry uncontrollable outbursts cannot be ruled out, either. Therefore it is important for adults to maintain a calm positive environment in the home or when around children.

No matter the circumstance, it is important for parents and other caregivers to start teaching positive anger management skills at home when children are toddlers. Teachers and school administrators need to put sensible and positive guidelines in place at school, as well. There are rules for fighting fair that were published in 1993 by Grace Contrino Abrams of the Peace Education Foundation, Inc. that adults can use to help children develop conflict resolution skills they can use when they get angry at another child or adult, and to teach them.

1. We find out the problem.

2. We attack the problem, not the person.

3. We listen to the other person.

4. We care about each other's feelings.

5. We are responsible for what we say and do.

When children strike physically or verbally in anger

Children have different characters and personalities that can, at times, result in conflict with peers, siblings, neighbors, and adults. The conflict arises when a child or adult does not know how to express their anger in an appropriate manner and it becomes about hurting the other person's feelings by striking out in a physically aggressive manner. Toddlers, on the other hand, lack a large vocabulary, and may lash out in a more physical manner like throwing things, pouring out glasses of liquid or plates of food, biting, kicking or even pinching. Toddlers and pre-school age children commonly tell parents they hate them or use the 'no' word in defiance.

Adults may not know how to deal with their child's anger and too often scream at them, deny them a meal or snack, grab them and put them in a room or a corner for time out, or even spank them. These reactions address a particular situation but do not teach children how to express their anger or calm themselves. As a child grows into adolescence and the angry behaviors grow more pronounced most adults and schools turn to grounding, suspending the child for a set period of time, or taking away privileges.

Although making an adolescent suffer the consequences of poor behavior is a good solid practice by stressing that certain actions and attitudes won't be accepted at home or in school, it must be accompanied by helping children understand the reason for their rage, and teaching them how to deal with the raw emotion in a positive way. Being punished can even add to the anger in a small number of children.

Children learn how to stay in parent's good graces and can become adept at hiding their anger at home. Some turn to bullying and take their anger out on peers and others who are weaker and less likely to report the bullying or destroying personal property and avoiding detection. And what child minds getting suspended from school for a few days, especially if both parents work.

Techniques to teach children positive anger management

When a conflict arises between children, find a place where they can sit down and face each other without being observed or heard by other children or adults before talking to them. This could be across from each other at a table by placing chairs where they must face each other, or on a rug. Children of all ages are easily embarrassed in front of siblings and peers, which can make it more difficult to bring any conflict to a positive conclusion. Stay neutral and never take sides.

• Separate the children involved in the conflict. In a child care or educational setting where a group may be involved, the same rule applies by separating the groups and trying to ascertain who the ring leader in the incidence was.
• De-escalate. Help the children calm down so they are able to handle the conflict in a more positive manner.
• Children two to five have a shorter attention span and their feelings can be redirected. A snack, coloring or painting, or another activity can often make toddlers and pre-school age children forget what they were angry about in the first place.
• Have each child, or each child within a group, state why they are angry and what they said or did to the other child or group members, allowing all parties to respond individually without interruption.
• Depending on the child’s age, they may struggle to define the issue clearly and will need more time to fully explain themselves in a comprehensive manner.
• Encourage the child that suffered the brunt of the other person/persons anger to tell them how they felt during the conflict as a result of any name calling or physical actions.
• Help all parties to come up with solutions for the next time they get angry at another child or adult rather than losing control and lashing out physically or verbally.
• Give children some ideas if they cannot think of anything.
• Ask the child who started the confrontation how they would feel if someone did the same to them. It is important for children to understand the emotional effect of their actions on others.
• Each child be made to apologize for their part in the conflict using words that describe what they did, like "I'm sorry I hit you, what I did was wrong," "I made you cry and I apologize for hurting your feelings," are some examples. Then have the other child accept the apology and forgive the offender.
• Afterwards, tell both children or groups, while looking at them directly, that negative and aggressive behavior and name calling will not be tolerated from anyone indoors or outdoors, no matter who initially started the conflict.

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