After raising my daughter, I realized that picky parents will never be able to raise confident children.

A few days ago, when I paid a visit to a friend's house, I happened to meet her practicing piano with her daughter:

"it's wrong, and I don't look at the score!"

"Oh, what's the matter? the shape of the hand has collapsed again!"

"slow down, don't keep grabbing the beat!"

When the daughter played a bar, the friend interrupted, played another bar, and was disliked again.

Over and over again, the child was exhausted, from the beginning to the end, like a wilted cabbage, drooping his head in silence.

At this time, friends are not reconciled, and begin to criticize the children's learning attitude is not serious:

"it's outrageous for you to flinch after practicing for five minutes at a time," he said. it's no wonder you can practice well in this way! "

A series of "picky" + "attack", let the children go on strike completely, fell off the piano cover, and left angrily.

Seeing this, I can't help thinking of the experience of an education expert.

The little boy of his relative told her a story excitedly. Because he was too young, it was inevitable that there were words that did not reach the meaning of the story.

The education expert found a mistake and corrected the boy immediately. After correcting several in succession, the boy began to wail and refused to tell any more stories.

Afterwards she was very remorseful and found that she was eager to correct her mistakes, which dealt a blow to the child's self-esteem and hurt the child.

Psychologist John Holt points out in his book how Children learn:

"We should give him time to correct his mistakes and develop his ability and self-confidence in the process of practice."

The growth of children is a gradual process, which is inseparable from trial and error and detours, which is the inevitable process of individual maturity.

If parents only see stains and flaws on their children and lack the ability to appreciate beauty and advantages, it will be easier to raise a child who does not dare to love them.

The more parents "pick", the worse the child.

Daniel Wigner, a social psychologist at Harvard University in the United States, once designed a famous experiment.

He asked the subjects not to think about a white bear, and everyone could not help imagining a white bear.

The more forbidden it is, the more it rebounds.

This psychological phenomenon is called "rebound effect".

When moving to an educational situation, if a child keeps hearing the sound of "this is wrong and that is wrong" while practicing the piano or engaging in learning activities, the instructions received by the brain are reinforcing this wrong thing.

Over time, the mind of the white bear, more and more impressive, how can not get rid of.

Even when children subjectively want to avoid mistakes, they will be more involuntarily caught up in mistakes in action.

And the more vigilant you are about mistakes, the easier it is to accumulate inner anxiety about mistakes, and the more mistakes you make.

Teacher Fan Deng once talked about a case in a lecture.

His friend's children always make mistakes in their homework, and the mother will severely correct them, even because they are out of control and can't help yelling at the child.

As a result, it is obvious that the error rate of children is even higher.

The reason is that the picky of parents squeezes out the mental bandwidth of the child, so that part of his concentration is used to combat the oppression and fear brought by his parents.

The shift of attention weakens the child's learning ability and falls into a vicious circle of getting more picky and worse.

A deeper and lasting impact comes from changes in the child's way of thinking and self-perception.

Children's every move, ushered in by the parents' feedback, if it always includes critical, sarcastic, sarcastic, negative and other negative comments, are engraved in the child's heart with the words "you can't".

These words are like heavy boulders, constantly compacting the child's inferiority complex, solidifying the child's self-perception, and defining myself as: I am incompetent and I can't do it.

Once a fixed mode of thinking is formed, the child's internal drive and development potential will be suppressed, and even they will find fault with themselves and dare not believe themselves.

As psychologist teacher Zhao Zhou said:

"if a child's brain is sculptured, parents' feedback is an axe and a chisel."

The knife and axe is sharp, if it is not used properly, it will make the other party bleed and suffer great harm.

The calmer the parents are, the better the child is.

Compared with harsh parents who have no room for sand in their eyes, those parents who are more calm and calm will be lucky for their children all their lives.

In the "growth of Life" program, there was an interview with he Lingfeng, a doctor of psychology, who benefited a lot from watching it.

He Lingfeng's daughter was very poor in math, and the teacher was at a loss, so she decided to "invite parents".

When he came to school, he was severely questioned by the math teacher for a long time:

"have you checked the homework for the child?"

"the child made a mistake on the same question four times, why didn't he see it?"

In the face of the teacher's unkind lecture, he Lingfeng also felt very uncomfortable, but still did not shake his "calm".

When she got home, the daughter asked nervously, "what did the teacher say to you?"

"it's nothing. In your recent exam, the paper has become cleaner, which shows that you have a much more correct attitude towards learning. I hope you can improve your grades by reviewing more questions and checking your calculations in the future."

"that's all."

"that's all."

The father, who has a large pattern, not only absorbs and dispels all negative emotions, but also sprinkles warm sun in his daughter's heart with words of encouragement, support and trust.

The true meaning of education is never to correct a math problem or a wrong word, but to understand the power hidden behind things and infiltrating into the heart of children.

From the subtle point of view, but not limited to the micro, with greater wisdom and pattern, the control of children's life is not deviated, that is, high-quality education.

Think of Zhou Yijun, the director of the documentary "Childhood in a Foreign Land", who lost control after visiting Finnish education.

When she saw the children and even the elderly painting in the studio, she could not help but burst into tears:

"people always tell me that this is not right, and that is not right."

The inferiority complex in her bones always pains her inadvertently, which makes her very painful. the picky parents at that time, like a sharp thorn, ran through her life.

It is true that children cannot grow up without the guidance of their parents, but these hands should be to lift the children's self-confidence and courage to help them go further and become better, rather than picky hammering and attacks, which will destroy their sense of security and confidence.

Two key points to create more confident children

"A child's lifelong learning, behavior and health are based on positive, reciprocal and reciprocal behavior with his parents."

The way of parent-child interaction determines the future of the child.

In every moment we get along with our children, we might as well consider and think a little more to create a more favorable environment for the growth of our children.

1) use process feedback instead of result feedback

In many cases, parents are unaware that they are eager to make negative comments by "labeling" in the face of their children's problems.

For example:

When the child writes a wrong word, the parents immediately point out that it is wrong, which is a kind of feedback on the results of the behavior. this way of communication often makes the child form a withdrawal mentality and a fixed way of thinking, believing that his or her ability is limited and untrustworthy.

Psych