Adopted & Reunited

Call me Steve Snow. Being adopted at birth, I grew up never knowing my biological family. My name consisted of a first and middle name followed by a number to obscure my identity as part of the process to effectively make me nameless and impossible to trace due to laws of redaction of birth records at the time, if you could find any meaningful leads at all.

To my adoptive parent's great credit, I knew and was told that I was adopted before I was old enough to understand exactly what "adoption" meant.

I always intended to "share" my story and now feel I have the capacity to do so, understanding the language from an adult's perspective. Perhaps by writing about my journey I can help other biological, adoptive families and adoptees who may be on their own journey to find out who they are and where they came from. I call it a journey, because it truly is just that.

From my perspective as an adoptee at birth, it never really bothered me until I started to understand what adoption meant. A classmate once exclaimed "oh my god you're adopted?" in the middle of class. I denied it. I realized that being adopted was a source of some kind of embarrassment for me. Something to keep private. The follow-up to that was "so those aren't your real parents?" - sucker punch to the ego. And the inevitable string of "why did your parents give you up for adoption?" questions to which I had no answers at the time.

My sister Shan (with whom I grew up) had no problem telling anyone who would listen that she and I were adopted. For her it seemed like a badge of honor. I was so secretive about it that my own partner of many years didn't know I was adopted for years into our relationship. Why? I have no idea.

Oddly, some friends envied me for being adopted. Presumably because they thought they wouldn't have to follow the rules coming from someone who wasn't their "real" parent.

I feel empathy for adoptive parents. They have a child not of their creation and the child has parents who didn't create them. When an adopted parent hears "you're not my real parents!" from an angry teenager, how could the parent not feel hurt?

Someone once said "It takes a good man to raise another man's child." Truer words were never spoken. The same is true with anyone who cares for and raises someone else's child as their own. Which they are, good people.

The subject of adoption is largely about the adopted children, but not enough about (and for) adoptive parents. So I wanted to spend a few moments talking to adoptive parents who might be reading this right now. Or perhaps from families hoping to adopt. This part is from an adoptee to adoptive parents. I will follow-up in my next article with my experiences as an adopted person - for other adoptees.

Being an adoptive parent is tough. While I come from the adopted person's perspective, I can only report what adoptive parents go through as I've seen first-hand.

When I was young I had a head full of white hair. My dad had jet black hair. No big deal, right? But my adoptive sister also had very blond hair. People would say how much we looked like our parents.

Even at a young age, an adopted kid can start putting two-and-two together. Adults would often tell me how much my parents loved me. They always made a point to say that to me. I'm sure they were all well meaning. When you've not experienced something, or something has not touched your life such as adoption, it's difficult for people to understand how deeply emotional adoption is.

Being adopted, or giving a child up for adoption makes people uncomfortable. It raises many private, fundamental questions about oneself. "Should I have had kids?", "should we adopt?", "I couldn't have children so maybe I can adopt?", "I'm really glad we could have our OWN kids." - the questions and existential thoughts that pop up in peoples' minds when the phrase "I'm adopted" is uttered are innumerable.

For the most part, people unwittingly overcompensate out of good will when confronted with the subject of adoption. People and families whose lives have been touched by adoption or giving up for adoption notice it.

The story of adoption and giving a child up for adoption is not a pity party we adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents throw without inviting you.

It's merely a deeply personal and private matter. Those of us adopted into caring families will grow up to recognize both adoptive and birth parents as our personal heroes.

If you are interested in the first in my series of articles on adoption, keep an eye out. I will be following-up with more of this short series of articles soon.