Addiction

It's one of the drafts i kept. Thought i might share one today, so it won't get lost in time~

So i guess.... Enjoy. :)

That sweet sensation slips through my tongue. Good lord , what a perfect balance between milk and chocolate. It's so sweet and milky and i can't really get tired of the flavor . I can't stop drinking it constantly. Some when i go to events. Some when i sit down for lunch or for work. Some when i miss that sugary milkiness again . I do love my cute little beverage. All this sipping varying from being innocent to just plain aggressive. I try to think back, and see what my wave of sensation is leading me. So i sip down my chocolate milk slowly , as i progressively flow back to when i was younger , the start of this sugary addiction.

I did something wrong , as my tears ran down my cheeks. I sobbed so hard as that's was my worst nightmare, my dad became violent and mean. I was beaten up, perhaps that's what you get for not obeying someone in general...... a beating. But i can't stop crying, as that demolished my framework of my dad's image. I'm pretty shocked, a part of me generates fear towards that part of him. While everything is happening, I could feel my dad pulling my hand as he is taking me to a place. My eyes are filled with tears, and i'm sore from all the crying. To tired to try predicting where my dad is going to take me.

We stopped at a place. And my dad told me to stop crying. I weakly wipe my eyes dry with my arms and to see the shining lights from a Supermarket.

Wow....... what a surprise. I'm here at a place where my dad usually buys all the goodies at home. Mini cup noodles and red bean Popsicles . Yum ~ that explains my love for red bean Popsicles. My dad became soft as ever and told me to pick myself a snack of any kind. ANYONE? Impossible........ but i did it anyways, as this will be my only chance to redeem my favorite brand of chocolate , Cadbury. Can't really say no to that milky goodness.

After that day , i noticed a pattern , every-time i get beaten up or scolded , he would repay me with what sweets i want..... i was younger back then so that was a behavior that kept me puzzled for a good period of time. A nice bar of Cadbury was hardly enjoyable after every purchase. I felt uncomfortable and would unconsciously choose a cheaper alternative to have.

As i grow older, my dad spoke up . "Please just buy anything but not too expensive."

I'm trying to stand still. Acknowledging the request as i'm brewing with emotions. It's not something i'd like my dad to say, because i was so use to getting all the aftermath after the punishment. A part of me felt sad, like my emotions were kidnapping his wallet. A part of me felt weird, as he spoken out to negotiate the deal with me like a hostage situation. I couldn't feel much worst , as i collapse once more and refused to be getting anything.

I could feel streams running down my face, is nonsense. The sweets are heartbreaking to take from that point on. The man I've feared for years has a heart softer than I've could ever comprehend.

This time , i cried. And my dad silently stood there, puzzled by my response.

What is this persistence he is having ..... he is willing to devoted his whole life if i will never forgive him? What courage is to take to hurt others , feels the pain and never felt that others could never forgive him? Maybe the days of hitting me still haunts me for days , weeks or even years. But forever is not a word i'd hope to deliver to my dad. I hope this message makes it out as a book , just right in time to make a different.

*glob glob* Finish. It's was delicious. What's so delicious? Maybe it was the fine balance between milk and chocolate, or maybe i just liked it. But i knew that every sip was about the nostalgic flavors. Milk and sugar. They've followed me through dust till dawn, through thick and thin. As every sip i take, the nostalgic amplifies per slip. I keep on sipping, and it seems to slip away even faster by every sip. I keep sipping and sipping ......until pain consumes my whole body.

After that it's all barfing and crying.

And it's somehow addicting to do it all again.

"Such courage to stand this long and not to be shaken down with thoughts of loneliness. " ~ basil fresh