A story about a situation with an Ipad and an ex

Let me tell you a situation that happened between me and my ex in the summer past.

So, I was going to collect my littlest children from their father, to take them out for the day at my family's yearly garden bbq at my Auntie's house. Always in a state of panic to get there on time, and have everything set in order to run smoothly, I pull up at his and message for him to bring the children down. Happily they come down and we set them in all ready. I do a quick "Have we got everything?" check. Realising that Arya didn't have her Ipad, I asked my ex if he could go get it for me. He accepts and goes up to collect it.

He returns minutes later as I am talking with the children, asking how their weekend has been so far. I am so happy to see them and excited about spending the day with them and the family. I see him return with the Ipad and focus my mind on anticipating on leaving and heading out on the hour and a half journey to my Aunties.

He informs me that it needs charging and I take notice of the white Ipad wire in his other hand and he opens Arya's door and chucks them in next to her, and the children and I hurry off for the day. Usually the Ipad and the wire are always transferred together between us parents so this was normal, I just was hoping the Ipad would have been charged but it doesn't matter, I would figure it out later, distract my daughter with chocolate or something, whilst it charges.

When I arrive, I take my daughter out of her carseat and I see the big blue Ipad and the white Ipad charger wire. I carry them with all my other stuff to my Auntie's, where we have a lovely day with the family.

During the day I asked my Auntie if she had an adaptor plug for a wire to go into (as I had forgotten my own one that I usually bring) to charge my phone and to charge Arya's Ipad for her. She did, and I borrowed it and all technology was charged! Good times!

On the way home I dropped the children back home to their dads for the night, as I had borrowed them on one of his days. It was already getting dark and it had been a long drive in rush hour and we were all a bit shattered. When he came to collect them from the car, he asked where the Ipad was. I said I had put everything away safely in Oskar's bag. He looked through it and and asked me where the adaptor was for Ipad wire. I was startled, "You didn't give me an adaptor", I responded. "Yes I did" he replied. I felt his eyes looking at me like I was stupid. I started to panic at this upcoming confrontation.

In the past as a couple, we had often argued over having different interpretations of events, normal things that couples do, like telling your partner many times about something and them turning around and saying that that you never said that when you clearly did. several times! There are many examples that could be used for this, and are very much universal in relationships. I think it has happened to most, at one point or another.

Having major anxiety and low self-esteem at this time didn't make this new confrontation any better. Panicking, I tried to sieve through my memories for answers, and remembered seeing him bring out the Ipad and the white Ipad wire. I sieve through again and remember taking Arya out of the car grabbing the Ipad and the wire that was next to her. I remember next asking then for my auntie to find me an adaptor plug so I could charge Arya's Ipad for her. This made me question him: "I had to ask my Auntie for an adaptor plug, why would I do that if you had given one to me?" I felt certain of my memory, but I asked him that because it would have been clearly illogical to ask my Auntie to search her house if I already had one at my disposal!

He didn't respond. He just took the children and told me to message him when I find it! I was frantic with my thoughts. I didn't know what he was thinking, but I concluded that he will go upstairs, he will see the adaptor plug still in his wall socket and he will message me back with "found it" or something and this will all be solved.

I drove home and took out my phone to see if I had any response.

No response.

I decide to message him and say "Did you find it?"

He replied back saying that Arya was hobbling and maybe had twisted her feet which I found a frustrating response to read because it was not replying to my question but instead criticising my care for our children, which I felt he had done on many occasions since our break up, attacking my mental health on a personal level, when I was trying to reach out to him for help. Arya had been fine all day, She had a lovely day running and dancing around, but as an autistic child, she naturally moves around differently. He then asked me questions about when I wanted them back and if had they eaten. (Which I had also found strange since he knew full well we had gone to a day BBQ which he had been to on many occasions in past years, there was always an abundance of food of all sorts!) He then wrote "Let me know when you find the adaptor"

I was in total disbelief. What was going on? Was he trying to mess with my head completely. I was feeling frantic and was trying to think straight. Was he trying to mess with my memories. I couldn't let it rest. I needed to get to the bottom of this, I needed to be completely sure on what was going on with this situation. I went back out to the car as a last resort and turned on all lights to see clearly, and started to search through the car.

I eventually moved Arya's carseat and snuggled tightly between the carseat and the seatbelt holder, there it was... a black adaptor plug. The truth was staring at me in the face. I took a photo and sent it to him. "Is this is?" "I found it down by Arya's seat... You didn't even tell me you lent me one".

That was the truth staring at me. Understanding the truth, It filled me with utter sadness. That our miscommunication, no... our lack of communication, had created two versions of the same truth. The truth was that he did in-fact give me his adaptor to borrow, however without telling me that that is what he had done, that he had included an adaptor to borrow, my brain only saw the normal pattern of events from previous encounters: When the Ipad needs charging, the wire comes along with it. Never an adaptor plug.

It led me realising that probably throughout our relationship, and throughout many other peoples relationships, this is probably something that may have happened often. There is your own truth of what happened, There is their truth of what happened, and together, there is a bigger truth of what really happened. The brain is not actually always very good at comprehending the full events of a situation. Especially if your brain is already preoccupied with other things at the same time and then also having a heightened emotional state on top of that. No matter how much of an observational person you believe you are.

I was wrong in this situation. I didn't have all the facts given to me initially which lead me to think the worst situation, that my ex was trying to change my memories of the events that happened that day.

This is the reality of a relationship breakdown. This is the reality of what happens when people do not talk to each other properly. When you are left to guess on people's intentions, and fight for your own recalling of memories. Being made to feel like you are going mad. And feeling angry that you aren't being believed. I think we both felt angry that day, that we weren't being believed.

So if anything is learnt from this story about an Ipad, an Ipad wire and an adaptor plug, is, that please talk more, communicate more, and be crystal clear about what you are doing, thinking and acting upon.

Communication is everything. Once you stop communicating with someone that you need to communicate with, only anger, frustration, anxiety, resentment and misrepresentation fills that gap.