A Promise From Me To You

To the woman struggling with infertility right now,

You are strong.

I say that first and foremost because if there is only one thing you should know it is that you are strong. And while you may not be exhibiting this strength out of choice, you are strong by design and a force to be reckoned with.

There are no words that can placate you as you experience this pain. No amount of “when the time is right it’ll happen” statements, or suggestions to adopt, or inquiries about the general status of your uterus that will make you feel any less grief.

Despite living in a world that still assumes that most women want to become mothers, we have an astounding lack of regard for women when they struggle to do so.

I was in my early twenties before I learned that one in four women have experienced miscarriage. One in four. Yet we have been taught since puberty, through everything from sex ed in school to TV shows and movies, that getting pregnant is as easy as blinking.

In all actuality, there are only a handful of days a woman can even conceive each month, and the natural fertility rate can be as low as 20% for a cycle — even if you are healthy with no conditions that should bar you from conceiving. But we don’t grow up hearing that, so it’s easy to feel like you’re broken when really you are playing your best hand with the cards you have been dealt.

It’s not you who has failed. It’s us, collectively as a society, who have failed you.

Some of us grow up wanting to be a mom. Some of us grow up wanting to be a badass career woman. Some of us grow up wanting to be a mix of both. But all of us grow up wanting the opportunity to make our wants a reality.

Perhaps you have been trying to conceive for a while with no success, and every time your period greets you it’s a tangible reminder that you have to continue to long for the one thing you want most. “Maybe next month,” right? “Just stop stressing about it.” Yep, I know you’re sick of hearing that.

Perhaps you already have a nursery set up for a rainbow baby that never made it earthside, and perhaps every time you walk past that room your heart aches as you wish you were hearing gentle coos and smelling the comforting aroma of Dreft. But instead, the room remains devoid of human life. The very human life that you are so eager to share with this world.

Perhaps you have already gotten science involved, and no amount of people sending you baby dust will take away the anger you have that even science hasn’t yet made your dream happen. It’s okay to be angry. We have the power to control an incredible variety of situations throughout our life, with infertility being one of the few aspects of our destiny that feels as if it’s not entirely up to us. I get it. Don’t feel bad for being mad.

No matter what your journey is, I will be the friend that’s here for you. The person who shares not advice but simply empathy. I’m here if you want to talk things out, but I’m also here if you want to avoid the topic at all costs. I will not tell you what you should try, or consider, or research — but I will scream with you. I will cry with you. I will listen to you. I will honor you. And perhaps, most importantly, I will stand in solidarity with you.

Infertility can feel isolating, but around here we don’t play by those rules. So here is your reminder that you are neither your struggle nor your diagnosis. You are you. And a pretty damn strong you if you ask me.