A marriage destined to fail

My father was a drug addicted alcoholic and my mother a battered housewife. I remember how anxious I got when 4 o'clock came around because I knew my father would walk thru the front door at any minute and only God knew what mood he would be in that day. If maybe that would be the day he finally killed my mother from a beating. My mother never did anything to get away from him, she just took each beating and stayed. At 5 years old I called the police because my father had beaten my mother so severely I thought he was for sure going to kill her. When the police arrived and asked if she wanted to press charges her answer was, "no." I remember something inside me breaking that day. I lost all respect for my mother and hated the feeling of helplessness that invaded me every time he hit her while I watched without being strong enough or big enough to defend her.

His father was serving a life term for murder up in Soledad State Prison, his mother was a single mother with 7 kids to feed who spoke no English. He had to grow up quickly and take on a responsibility that did not belong to him. His mother was always gone because she needed to work and never had time for any of them. At 12 years old he was driving her to the market or to the houses she cleaned. In Mexico it is not uncommon for a child to drive at that age, sometimes even younger.

I was 13 years old when I met him, he was 15 it could not be love at that age..."we were too young to know what that was". Neither one of us was born here, our parents brought us at an early age. Walking home from school one day he drove by and offered what would be the ride of a lifetime; we just didn't know yet. We were kids with absent parents, no one waited for us when we got home, no one asked how our day was or what we had learned in school, if we had homework or needed help to complete it. Our parents were too busy for any of that and did not have any knowledge about what life was like for us kids. We were surviving; we found a friend in each other and held on to each other as if we knew it was the only way we could make it. At the age of 16 I became pregnant with our first son, Fernando, what future could we offer this child? He was a gangster going to a continuation school because he got kicked out the very first day of school for being involved in a fight against a rival gang and I was no where close to grade level on anything because I ditched or was suspended all the time and was learning English as well. When my parents went to my high school to share the news of my pregnancy, it was suggested I attend a continuation school because at the time I only had 30 credits out of the 120 I should have had to graduate on time.

We belonged to a catholic church and when they became aware of my pregnancy, everyone just had a look of "yuck" on their face. The rumors began "oh my god I knew they were sexually active", "I feel so bad for her parents" , "he is going to leave her with all kinds of kids on welfare and go to jail", "that poor little baby is going to grow up to be bad just like them", "he will either end up in prison like his dad or dead." I heard it all, I was a disgrace a slut, I had shamed my mother and father. My mother said it as well, "you are a slut, do not get close to any of the other teenagers at church because only God knows what goes thru your head".

Did I consider an abortion? sure, a friend suggested it and it sounded like a great solution to my condition. No one would know, no one would know... but in my world..."NO ONE MATTERED EXCEPT FOR ME AND MY GOD" whatever anyone else had to say NEVER MATTERED. I decided abortion was not an option that I had made the decision to have sex and knew what could happen, my baby was not going to pay the consequence for my actions. When I shared the news of the baby with him, he dropped out of school and got 3 jobs, I remember he was so excited because he thought we would live together. I did not move in with him, I decided to stay with my parents because it was not about him and I anymore and I had to look out for what was best for my child. My mother became ill and passed away when my son was almost 3, I was expecting our second son Isahia when she passed. My father said we had to be married if we were continuing to have children, he said those children would need a father.

We got married on may 24 1997. What no one knew about us was that we had all we needed to succeed. We didn't even know ourselves. All we knew was that there was love there and a responsibility to give our boys the best shot at life we could give them. We were about each other and our kids, I had 2 girls after my second son, Alexandra and Dalila. Everyone always talked talked talked about how we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with 4 kids and my father. That we lived off of him yada yada yada.. what they did not know was that we were going to school; who knew that all we needed was a little support and encouragement. He was extremely intelligent (who would have thought a thug would be that smart). His mother bought him a set of books he needed to read to take a test and become certified in microsoft. I continued going to school in the evenings and earned an associates degree in paralegal studies. He read the books and took the test and passed with high marks all 97% and above. He eventually got a job offer but it would only be for one month while the whole Y2K madness was happening.

I remember the phone rang and my father answered, he told my father about the job offer and said it was only for one month and asked for advice. My father said "take it, you are very smart and will do great! I know they will keep you and if they do not then I will carry the family until you find a job." With that said, he took the job and just as my father had predicted, they kept him for other projects. I remember he went from earning $7/hr in a warehouse in irvine, to earning $10 when he was hired at Entex. Entex then merged with another company and that company merged with IBM. He was earning $80 thousand dollars a year at IBM with full benefits and worked from home. Never in a lifetime would we have imagined he would make so much money with his background (he had felonies for weapons) but IBM never ran his background check because of the merger. He was one of the employees who IBM decided to keep. He worked day and night from home for IBM for about 13 years. I stayed home and raised our kids. I eventually got hired at the kids school district because I was there so much as a volunteer that one day the principal said... "apply for the bilingual paraeducator position that just opened up", so I did and I got hired. It was the perfect job. I had the same schedule as the kids and worked at the school they attended.

We decided it was time to buy a house for the sake of the kids and our sanity. We bought a 7 bedroom home in Riverside County. Our kids were always high achievers in school and athletic. Our oldest son earned his first degree black belt at the age of 10 our second son did not finish because we moved but they both played soccer and then football in high school. My daughters played club soccer for SURF. Our lives were very busy, too busy to care about what people's opinions were of us and our kids.

Eventually people from church began to make comments about us and how they always believed we could make it. We protected our kids from the life that we had lived as children and always worked together to make sure they were happy and safe and had all they needed. My father passed away on 11/11/11 and it was a hard hit for us but here we are 30 years later... still figuring out life and taking on each challenge it throws at us. All 4 of my kids graduated with honors and were accepted at 4 year universities, 2 of them were valedictorians. My oldest graduated from SDSU, the other one does not know what he wants to do yet so for now he is on the set team for grocery outlets and makes good money, my daughter will graduate in June from CSFullerton and my youngest is currently at UC Santa Barabara majoring in brain sciences. I have 2 beautiful grandsons and take life one day at a time... we had nothing but love and god and that was all we needed.