A Love That Came Back For Me

Act 1: The Birth of a Baby Boy

All her life, she wanted to give birth to baby girls. It didn't matter how many, but she knew she wanted multiple. To bring forth life to a baby girl, and to watch her grow up to be just like mom was all she had hoped for in life. And so they married with the intent to have children, my mom and dad before I met them. One girl, then another, and another, if they got so lucky. All girls against one dad, they were gonna rule the house with sass, laughs, and all that.

And then there was me, the birth of a baby boy. I was the first of three and mom cherished me. Her two little girls came shortly after, but they needed their big brother. So all along, mom's prayers were being answered, just that there was always something better planned for us. Not just a mom, a dad, and a bunch of girls to run the house. We became so much more than that: a family, full of love and diversity.

It may not have been much, but it was enough. Even though the world said we were doing it wrong, I never remember sadness in my parents' lives, but rather contentment. It was in them that I learned how to be at peace, the calm within the storm. It was their example that paved the way for me to be who I was meant to be.

Act 2: Not All Who Wander Are Lost

All my life, I had a tendency to wander. Ever since I was taken from my family at the age of 5, put into foster care for the remainder of my childhood, and became largely a well-traveled homeless person for most of my early 20's, I would wander and explore the world around me with a sense of light and desire for passion of all kinds and discovery that deepened my understanding. A jack of all trades on a mission to master them all, I oftentimes wondered "where did I get this from?" It was a certain richness planted in me that overflowed in kindness and childlikeness that I myself did not create. I was made to be this way.

See, though I was taken away, I was really launched on a path of purpose. I believe prayers were sent up for me frequently, and the family I barely knew was fighting the good fight on my behalf, much while I was still too naive to fight it alone, all on my own, with no one to turn to, nor a place to call home. I was wandering, but I wasn't lost.

Though mom was no longer around, her presence was felt. There was something about her smile, and all the family photos dad kept of us, that encouraged me and helped me through. To know I had a heritage and that I belonged somewhere, even if she was gone, I knew she birthed me for a reason and I was worth it. Even though it was hard, and times were tough, I wasn’t alone. They were praying for me, and I was becoming a man they were proud to call son.

Act 3: A Love That Came Back For Me

All her life, she was praying for me to be found. That I might find myself, that she might find me again, and that I might find a desire within me to want my mother back. Just before graduating high school, she pursued me and chased me down. I was out in the neighborhood playing til the sun set each summer day before the school year began, but she kept calling and kept asking and kept showing she wanted my attention. She planned a visit and made her move, despite my indifference to it all. I thought I was merely matching the energy I was shown from birth, but I now realize it was nothing personal. Life just has this mischievous way of separating us, but love is determined to bring us back. It wasn’t my place to judge the past; my life was better because of her, even if she wasn’t around. Therefore, it was better for me that I acknowledge how good it was to simply be alive. Maybe that’s what her motivation was all along, to do anything to see me thrive. Maybe my life was written this way to make it so, and that meant separation. That meant not having a home, that I might cherish it more when I started my own.

Living within her was a love that came back for me. She died when I was 19, before I ever got a chance to thank her for that. In fact, as I am now 30 years old, I'm just now realizing that she set out to accomplish something she never had to revisit. The moment had all but gone, and yet her love still remained, a love that she wasn't willing to let go. She chose to honor that love and come back for me. It was a simple date, mother and son, but it was enough. And my memories live on, that for just one summer and just one day, my mother accomplished everything she set out to do in just that moment.

That day, that love that came back for me, was what I needed all along.