A little big change

Some people are introverts, some extroverts and some are in the middle. Some people wants to conquer the world and others just to live and die peacefully in the end. I never knew who I actually was until that day. I used to keep it low and look out more for others than myself. I was in many short relationships and only 2 longer ones. In both long-time relationships the one who broke up was him. Why? Simple. They were assholes and couldn’t stand that I was carrying and loving girlfriend.

At first I had no idea and I was blaming myself for it. I thought I was too selfish or wasn’t paying enough attention to their needs. It seems ridiculous now but back then I was shattered. It felt like my whole world was collapsing. got depression and few times almost killed myself. Those guys almost made me believe that I am not enough for anyone. I have lost so much time that at first it was very difficult for me to start to care about myself. There were the times when I was not sure if living for myself has any point.

Lucky for me I met this guy who was little different. After a while we became a couple. I never planned to have a baby though. I had more ambitious plans for myself. I was out of toxic relationship and finally with the man who did not hold me back. The only thing was that I was not sure where to start this ambitious plan of mine. Time was passing and we were having fun.

One day I started to worry because I was a little bit late. I checked just to make sure I am overreacting and guess what… Apparently this time it was positive! I could not believe what I saw. I was in huge shock. I sat on the bed with a pregnancy test in my hand and could not move. Lots of thoughts went throughout my head. I was scared. We knew each other only for 3 months and I was already pregnant. It was terrifying. I decided to tell him that I am pregnant. I thought ‘’you only live once, right?’’. Few minutes later we were both sitting in the living room in silence. It was the most scary silence I ever experienced. I did not know what he is going to do. He was not scared of being a father. That also mean that from that day forward I had to change everything.

I was working in the warehouse at the time so I had to tell the management about the pregnancy. Unfortunately they did not really cared about that. They gave me easier job but still expected from me to hit the target. In that moment I realized that I have to quit. I got help from the government for a while and then I started to look for a job far away from the warehouse. I found the job after some time of searching. It was Polish grocery shop and it was awful.

The manager and co-workers were nice but they were too ‘’Polish’’ for me. I am Polish but I moved to UK because I did not fit in there. I felt like an alien who do not know anything about the planet they landed on. It was like moving in the fog full of traps for me. In that job I was learning fast, considering that I was working only two days in the week. Then one day I was ask by my manager for a talk. I already knew what was coming but I was not loosing hope. She told me: ‘’Look, you are not for us and we are not for you. This is your last day of work. Good luck to you.’’ And that was it.

I said nothing. I finished my job, gave away the work equipment and went home. I cried a little bit and then started to clean my apartment. After a while I got the call from my boyfriend. He told me that in the grocery shop, nearby our house, they are looking for a cashier. He sent me picture of the ad and I called to ask about it. Then I got the job!

Now you can say, that you do not see anything unusual. For me it was. All that happened because I decided to change my whole life for my baby. I would probably still be between warehouse jobs if he had never been born. I immediately start to thing differently and I would not change a thing.