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A Letter To, X ♡ Selfishness + Forgiveness

A letter for my brother.

By Deziree Bryant Published 3 years ago 5 min read
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TRIGGER WARNING: This letter is dedicated and intended for my baby brother who committed suicide. I miss him every single day. Please know grief is not easy and it comes in different waves, forms, and has no filter. If you are grieving.. please give yourself grace. If you know someone needs help—do what you can to help them. If you have ever been in a situation of wanting to take your own life, please know you are loved. Life is tough, unfair, and just out right hard to handle. But—Please get help. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed. Please reach out to someone. We want you here. I want you here. I send you so much love and so much light—and so many prayers.

If you or you know someone that needs help please contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.

1-800-273-8255

To My Baby Brother:

I spent the past entire 2 years making a fool of myself—and Try to make something of myself.

I chose to spend time hurting myself, forgiving those whom I shouldn’t have.

I spent time hurting people, and praying for them to forgive me for my actions.

I also spent time neglecting my kids, husband, myself—and God.

I spent time angry, sad, frustrated—mainly drunk and many of those times.. wishing I wasn’t.

Constantly surrounding myself with people who “fill” my void and pain.

I spent time trying to ignore, and trying to understand.

I spent time talking, and definitely not listening.

I spent time lying to myself and to others that I was doing okay. I wasn’t.

I spent time worrying. Hating things. Not understanding my own faults, or emotional intelligence.

I spent time negotiating on things I should not have been doing, and neglecting the things I should have been.

I spent time with God and trying to heal.

I spent time sulking in bed. Crying. And making excuses.

I spent time in the darkest places — questioning everything ...including, you and.. God.

I spent time with fear, despair, disappointments, and uncertainty.

I spent time trying to make myself and others believe I was this “person”, because I lost who I was.

Or maybe I never really knew myself in the first place.

At times, I would feel so numb with my motions and paralyzed with my thoughts..

I spent time trying to organize and control my thoughts so I wouldn’t have to realize I have no idea what to do— or what I am doing.

I spent time Gravitating to everything I knew I wasn’t —because nothing made me feel I was ever going to be who I Was supposed to be.

I spent time laughing, knowing inside nothing ‘felt’ funny.

I spent time trying to place blame, including blaming myself—Instead of spending time giving and accepting grace.

I forgot how To be courteous to myself. I just knew I had to somehow be brave and keep living.

I had to have continuous hope and faith that I would be a better person.. than the shitty attitude of person I let myself become.

……with time……

I relearned about loving myself and those around me.

I have gained serenity for the things I cannot change.

Forgave those who caused me pain —And prayed for forgiveness from those who I hurt. All over again.

I really understand now—Time is inevitable.

You can get yourself wrapped in a loop of the same cycle —if you’re not careful.

You would think I would of learned that right away with such a great loss, like you.

I would read books, look up definitions, and try to educate myself on mental health.

None of them seemed to fit the definition of ‘you’ though.

I found out that the only definition or explanation that I could see ‘you’ in….

Was—the definition of grief: deep sorrow, especially that is caused by someone's death.

Yeah, well that couldn’t be more true.

I miss you…Words, tears, emotions could not ever express how much.

It still feels like yesterday getting the call you were gone from us forever.

I think that is partly why I had a phase of abruptly calling anyone in the middle of the night.

….That was our thing. Just to talk when we were sad or bored. or both..

The other part to that— I still had hope for a while that all this would be a joke.

That someone I Called to talk to would say—Omgosh guess what? He is still here…… Even though I know it’s not true —or possible.

I always wondered what it would be like if I was able to have my wedding ceremony as it was planned originally.

If you you would of initiated the dance at the reception first—or if I would have. Haha.

How clean cut you would of dressed. Everyone knew—you didn’t play when you had an opportunity to get dressed up—And add a bow tie.

Haha—We learned it honest af. Am I right?

I still wonder what it would be like... To have you here.

I think about how inseparable you would have been with sissy—gosh, she is so beautiful, smart, and such a free-spirit.

Something inside of me feels like you know that already..

But she knows all about you and she has always loved seeing your pictures, hearing your stories, everything.

I also wonder what it would look like now with you being with my kids and how close you guys would be.

They ask about you all the time…

I find myself curious to so many other things like—

What your life would even look like…..

Would you have gotten married? Would you of had kids?

I always wonder what it would be like to have a niece or nephew.

I wonder what you would of done with your chef career.

I wonder what it would have been like if you really would of moved here and lived with me.

I think and try to picture what you would of looked like when you got old as dirt. haha.

All jokes aside…

I struggle so much sometimes without you here. You should be here…

But know that I am always trying, always forgiving myself, and allowing grace.

This is one of my letters to you of so damn many…

I hope you’re proud of my progress.

As selfish as it is meant to sound….I hope you miss me too.

And that you wish you were here—with all of us.

I love you, X.

With selfishness + forgiveness,

Your big sister.

grief
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About the Creator

Deziree Bryant

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