A Letter to Someone
To a man who could have been a father, but he chose a different path.
I was never going to write this for the public. This is the main reason I will not put your name, but I have a feeling that if you are reading this then you know who you are. A few days ago I was heated that you found out what I did and, you being you, decided to make it clear that you could spy on me whenever you like. I wanted to write a hate speech about you, have the world see how despicable you really are. Yet, I realized that this would make me just like you, and I'll never let that happen.
I want you to understand that, just because you reached out to me, does not mean I'm responding. This isn't for you to feel love or comfort that you finally got me to talk after years of silence. I'm merely writing this for myself and nobody else. I also want you to understand that I will never let you back into my life. Send your apologies, your articles, and your taunts all you want. It won't change the lack of emotion I feel for you.
The problem is that, while I know there is hope for change in every individual, I know you will never choose that path. You are a manipulative predator who has no urge to take the blame for anything or change your stripes. It wasn't seven years ago that I felt this way, but since I was a child.
What you don't know is that I used to plan on running away at a young age. I had a bag packed of clothes and toys for my brother and I that was hidden underneath my bed at all times. I fantasized almost every day about running away and never looking back. The only reason I felt this way was because of you. I knew I would be leaving someone I love dearly behind, but it was worth it if I never had to see your face again. If it meant I could keep my brother safe, I would have done it in a heartbeat.
Your love was always conditional, something that could go away with the change of a day. You never loved us, not really. You liked that you didn't have to work, that we could be your puppets without pushing back. What you never knew is that one day we would push back.
All the bad characteristics I have can be found in you. The difference is that I try my hardest to work them out of my life. Besides having your genes, I want nothing from you. I've always promised myself that I would be nothing like you, and I have enough determination to keep that vow. If there was something good in you, it died before I ever came into this world.
You want us to forgive and move past, but you don't expect to do anything to make that happen. You still blame others for your exile and still lie and manipulate to get what you want. I can honestly say that I have never met someone as sinister as you. The fact is, I've realized that you need genuine help. I'm not talking about God, the person you love to throw down our throats. I'm talking about psychiatric aid.
The way you show no remorse, can lie as if it was the easiest thing to do, and make me look like the bad guy, it's a sick talent of yours. I remember the first time you came to my job, tears and flowers in hand, an act you had perfected years ago. People thought I was demonic for turning you down and throwing out your gift. You know how to change perspective so that you become the victim.
I never told them what you did to us, and I never will. Blaming you and talking shit is the first step in becoming you, and I'll never let that happen. However, I want you to know that you did do wrong. I remember all those fights you had, all those things you did, and it made me hate you. It made me envision your death on a replay in my head.
Now I don't hate you. In fact, I have no feelings when it comes to you. I've realized that I don't want to waist a single emotion on a stranger. When you die, it will be as sad as any other death of someone I don't know. You mean nothing to me, and that is the honest truth. You can't repair anything because there is nothing left to fix. When I weep, it is for something that never existed. I get sad for memories that are not real and a fantasy I once thought was possible.
If you do read this, I want you to know that the best gift you could give me is one of silence. I would love to live in a world that is not filled with you. I purposely don't bring you up and enjoy the fact that my closest friends and loved ones don't know what you look like or who you are. If you ever loved me, you'll disappear from my life and the life of my family. Stop trying to repair something that was always damaged. That is all I want from you now. Absolutely nothing.