A Letter to My Narcissistic Father

Dear daddy,

I want to start off by saying I’m sorry. You made me who I am today. I should’ve told you thank you for every little thing that you have ever done for me. When I was a little, you were all that I had and all that I would have ever needed, and you knew that. I honestly don’t know where I would be in the world if it wasn’t for you. So, I’m very appreciative of you and for being the person that you are. Growing up, I always knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you would always be there for me. You handled everything that needed to be handled for me, for your daughter, your first born. You were always my number one, even though I probably didn’t make you feel that way. I was mean and said things to hurt you, as you did me. I thought all of your punishments were stupid and still do, but like I said it made who I am today, so in a way, I guess, thank you. Through 17 years, I needed you more than you could’ve ever known. I needed you to make me smile when I was down (because you always could without trying). I needed you to tell me that things were going to be ok when I felt like the whole world was coming down on me. You were my hero and my everything, and for that I want to tell you thank you.

You have hurt me in a way that I can’t even describe. And I’m sure that you would say the same thing about me, but in reality what did I do? I left a boy (yes, Brenden is nothing but a boy and will never be a man), a boy who brought me down every single day, a boy who would never give me the time of day if I wasn’t his computer, a boy who completely expected me to do absolutely everything for him, like I was his mom.

So, I had enough. I looked myself in the mirror and didn’t recognize who I was anymore. I wasn’t raised to be treated like I wasn't worth the time of day. I wasn’t raised to put up with bullshit from a boy who thinks his shit doesn’t stink. I was raised to put up a fight, and I did. I put up a fight for my happiness, because at the time my happiness was the only thing left for me. Everything else was broken down and gone; I knew that if I let me being happy be thrown away with everything else, that I would never be able to get out of the hole I was slowly sinking deeper into. So I ended it, told him to get his things and leave, that I was over all of the crap that he had put me through for four years.

The week I left him, I surprisingly and shockingly fell in love with a man who made me truly understand what happiness was; a man who was willing to fight for my happiness as much as I was. A man who made me feel like I was beautiful inside and out, He gave me a sense of security that I haven’t felt in four years. And I knew, with him by my side, that he would never make me feel alone, or allow me to slip back in such a deep depression.

You may not agree with how I want my life to be and who I want to spend it with, and that’s perfectly fine. You’re entitled to your own opinion, but I want you to know that I’m happy and my husband makes me happy and takes care of me emotionally better than I do, because when I can’,t he always catches me when I fall.

I’m writing you this letter, because I forgive you. I forgive you for everything. I know that I was never the perfect daughter that you wanted me to be and I accept that and apologize, but I forgive you for putting me at so high of a standard where I knew, in my heart, that I would never be able to reach. I forgive you for not accepting who I was dating for the four years we were together then moving him into your house listening to all the lies he's telling you and my family. I forgive you for the future, because I know that we will never be able have a loving relationship because you can’t accept me being truly happy and in love. I forgive you for the times where I’m going to have to tell my children that they will never get to know who you are. I forgive you in order for me to be happy and to live my life the way I want to. I know I will never get an apology from you, but that’s okay.

I love you and that will never change. You’ll be my daddy till the day I die. And I will always love you, no matter how much hate you have in your heart, wether that be towards anything or anybody.

Be proud of the young women you raised. I’ve been put through hell the past four months, from my ex completely ripping you and everyone away from me, to losing my baby last month, but this is one of the hardest things I’m putting myself through; accepting your apology, even though I will never get one. I’m going to continue to work on my happiness and live my life with the wonderful man I married.

I love you daddy

With Love,

Your daughter