A Letter to my Mother

Hello Mother,

Right now you're sat barely 10 feet away and yet it feels like there's an ever expanding space between us whilst equally it feels like you're so close I can't move or breath under the overwhelming pressure.

My brain has set itself alight. Not with passion or creativity but fear and anxiety. My mental health appears to be plummeting off a cliffside and while my internal screams are so loud they crack the surface of my skin I know you cannot hear me as I fall deeper within.

I know that you would listen if I could only find the words and that the love you have for me is never ending and unconditional. But still I can't find a way to express to you the help I need or even a single feeling, thought or emotion.

So instead I'm writing this letter that only others will read. So that my pain has a release in some form.

I struggle to go outside now. I struggle to make my bed. I struggle to clean and I struggle to smile.

The world keeps telling me to force myself onwards but I know that will not help. There was a time when I couldn't cry no matter what happened to me. But I have managed a tear more recently so maybe I'ma step closer to expressing my self properly and to allowing myself to process emotions more healthily.

I know you struggle in your own ways and maybe that is holding me back from sharing with you because I don't want to add to your burden. I know that is silly because you're my mum and you would want to help me. I know that when you place a cup of tea next to me it is a sign of love and care and I know that I could hug you if I could manage to move.

I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. I wish I could tell you how much I am hurting. But the battle in my mind won't let me.

I don't think I'm really even saying that much but I have to find a way to say it.

So these are my confessions to you:

I love you.

I am scared.

I am tired

I am exhausted, depleted, frail and stretched out.

I am struggling to manage with every second that passes.

I am feeling less and less like myself.

There is so much more that I can't yet describe or put into even these words no one will see. But for now I will take that strong cup of tea and thank you for being near me.

I've reached a point where I don't really know how to say much more.

Do I speak about my bullies. Do I speak about my darkest moments. Do I speak about my abuse.

I don't think I will right now.

This is taking me so long to write that I've finished that tea. It's not exactly the best written letter I've ever produced but it's, at least, helped me expel some pain.

So I'll thank you for taking the time to read it. Even if you aren't my mother. I still feel I've been heard on some level. By you, or the cosmos, or even just a healthier part of my own mind.

Ok, well I guess it's time to back to sitting on the sofa and staring blankly at the tv until its a reasonable time to go to bed and I don't have to exist for several more hours.

Goodbye.