A Letter to My Father: All of Me

It took me days to gather the strength to write this. Your words took me by surprise.

I do not think it's fair to expect me come back, when all you do is believe my choices are mistakes. It's not easy to live without you. I miss you, everyday. Believe me, it's hard for me that this has separated us. I respect your decision, but do not make me feel bad about mine. No one is perfect, and your decision is not somehow superior. You claim your hands are tied in this manner… that there is nothing you can do.

I get it. I also felt like my hands were tied my entire life. I thought I did not have another option. That no matter what I chose I would have to sacrifice something that means everything to me. The religion you raised us in made us believe that, taught us that this religion takes precedence over everything else in our lives. I always lived in fear of losing my family and of losing you. But now I understand that we have the ability to make our decisions and lead our own path. We do not have our hands tied. When we say that, what we really say is “it’s not worth it” or “it’s too hard.”

It hurts me more to know than if it were not for religion, you and I would have had a chance to a better relationship than ever before, a relationship where I could be honest with you, without believing you would reject me for simply being me. I always felt far away from you, I knew that if you knew who I was, you would not want me, or you would treat me differently.

That's why when you told me you loved me all those nights, I did not fully believe it. And I still struggle to believe it. I know you love me by default, because I am your daughter and you feel you have to. But you only love parts of me, not all of me. In my eyes, that is conditional love. Love entails loving a whole person for all the parts that make them who they are.

My intention was never to make my family suffer. I did everything I could to prevent that. I just could not take it anymore. It was affecting every aspect of my life. I was not okay. Yet that was not enough for you to see this for what it really was. Something I did not have a say in that was only a small part of my identity.

A small part that, when ignored, takes over everything else. Denying my identity nearly broke me. I even considered suicide. I chose self-love when I chose to accept that. I could no longer live a lie. I am gay. You can tell me that I am an abomination, you can tell me that I am giving up on God, you can tell me I am an unnatural product of sin, or anything else you were conditioned to believe as fact. It does not change the truth. I did not choose it, it does not make me a bad person, and I am still your daughter.

As much as you claim it was bad influences that led me to leave, it was you that kicked me out. For most of my life I felt absolutely alone. I could not even be there for myself. I could never fully open up to anyone. Trust me, nobody influenced me. I did not change for anyone else. I left alone and I had to leave the life I knew. It was the most difficult thing that I ever had to do, next to accepting this part of me.

Like you, I think the most important thing is that the family stays together, you taught me that. But you have also shown me that this love is conditional, and for you family is not the most important thing.

Every day I think of you, and I miss my sister. I would like you to let me have a relationship with her, but you only put her against me. I always wanted to be a person she could trust and someone she admired. I was always responsible, I gave her good advice, I worked hard in school, I spent time with her, and I let her know that I would always support her. I will support her regardless of what she does. She is my sister and I will support her in whatever she allows me to, because my love for her is unconditional.

I love you so much, and I will always be here when you want to accept all of me.