A Letter to My Family

Since entering therapy, I have been writing letters to specific people and groups of family members. This letter is dated five months after the death of my mother. During this span of five months, my siblings and I haven't heard a word from any extended family members. Explaining this feels like one of those Moesha episodes where she's writing in her diary. Or perhaps it is an episode of Days of Our Lives. Either way, it is a complete mess.

A day after my mother's birthday, I log onto Facebook to find everyone celebrating her birthday without her children, which prompted the following letter.

Dear Family,

The children of Angie, including Tianna, are upset that we were not invited to this family gathering that we all viewed in a Facebook post. I see that many of you have deleted me on Facebook or have created new pages without adding me. I know that many of you are still upset with Tianna and me. I've been told that some of you wanted me to send my mom to a nursing home, hoping that she heals. I want you all to know she would have never recovered in a nursing home.

As I walked into the COVID-19 floor and watched her from the window, I knew, in my spirit, she would not make it. Tubes breathing, eating, and peeing for her was so much to see. She was deteriorating by the day. The nurses and doctors did everything they could with the research they had in February. You have to remember, mom, who battled breast cancer for almost 11 years, was tired. Breast cancer that moved to her breast bone, hips, mouth, brain, and liver. This monstrous cancer destroyed her body. She hung on as long as she could. Mom passed in peace, knowing two of her babies were with her. She knew it was her time; mom wanted it to be her time. Mom told me, "Pick me up on Sunday," and I did.

I forgive you all for what I needed to do for the peace and spirit of my mom. I respected her wishes in every way, from having no funeral, the cremation, and allowing her to quietly living in our memories. If it is not that, then I don't know what it is. Perhaps it is the distance I purposely placed between myself and the Family because of drama and hypocritical actions.

I haven't heard from many of you since her death, and I am at peace with that. I do not expect to be invited to any family gatherings like in the past. I still love each of you and will never cease.

Chris

The backlash, child! My aunts denied any mistreatment caused by them towards my mother. I was called many nasty words that my sister would not tell me. During this family feud, my mother's survivor sister and friend spoke up. She told me about the nights my mother would cry to her about this mistreatment. The aunt that was paid to be her caretaker hated her job. She never wanted to work actively. Not take mom to her doctor's appointments or take care of everyday household needs. The Family would call her lazy for sleeping all day as a result of the cancer medications. My grandmother would say, "I don't have time to come see you today," anytime mom was on the brink of death. How can someone say 'I love you' or 'Wish you were still here' about a person you mistreated your entire life?

None of this makes sense to me. Most of the lines in my extended Family don't make sense to me. How was I so blind to the disrespect and backstabbing ways of my Family? How did I miss the toxic behavior? It's funny how my mother would not allow me to give her a funeral thinking these words above would come out are now on paper. Mom did an excellent job of sheltering us from the drama until I reached college age. I doubt I will speak to these people ever again, and I am at peace with this.