A Letter To Heaven

Dear Mommy,

You were my best friend in life, so there is not anything you do not know. I told you everything and anything there was to say. When I was angry with you, you knew. When I was up to something I had no business doing you knew, well you were told eventually. I talked to you about all my secrets, all my feelings, and all my dreams. Of course, somethings were told to you after I became an adult and a mother myself. When I was a kid and the abuse I was endearing stopped because I got to live with you after your divorce, it was not important enough to bring up. The last thing I wanted you to do was blame yourself because you did what you thought was best and had no idea it would happen. Once I became an adult, I felt like I could openly talk to you about it, I thought I was more capable of explaining that it was not your fault. It was not, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. You worked so hard to provide for my sisters and me. You made the ultimate sacrifice everyday of your life to do what I needed.

There was never a day that went by that I did not appreciate you for everything you did. I told you thank you all the time, but it was not enough. You were the one who taught me how to be a mom, and a woman. You were my rock my everything. It kills me to have to talk to you in the past tense. You left to soon. I guess my confession would be that I did not do enough to help you when you were alive. I did a lot of things that were disgraceful as a teen, and as an adult. You never stopped loving me though, you never stopped being my person. I feel like in your time of need I let you down. I know there probably is not anything I could have done, but the guilt kills me every day.

There were days after you passed that I wanted to join you, but I cannot. I have tiny humans who depend on me and need me. You taught me that their needs and wants are the most important and I must keep pushing every day to give them the life they deserve. In a way you are still my rock, I went back to school to follow my dreams after you passed. I hope I am making you proud. I have gotten on honor roll almost every semester. I have an amazing GPA, better than I ever got in high school. I think you would bed immensely proud of me for that.

I know that you are pain free and free of cancer in Heaven, but there is not a day that goes by that I do not wish you were here. If only Heaven had a phone, or stairs so I could talk to you once more. I talk to you every day, and I know you hear me, but you cannot respond. It just is not the same, it will never be the same again. That is the hardest part, is knowing that anything wrong I did to you in life I can never make up for it. I know deep down that none of the dumb things I did as a teen or young adult mattered to you. You loved me unconditionally no matter what.

You taught me that no matter what happens in life I can push through and go on. I will tell you even with all those lessons nothing could have prepared me to lose you. You see as I said I did not just lose my mommy. I lost my everything, my rock, my best friend, my everything. Fly high sweet, beautiful angel and keep shinning. I love you to the moon and back Mommy, for now and always.

Love,

Your Daughter