A girl in a different world.

I was a girl feeling that I was in a different world because everyone I went to school with had a mother and I had a father that I loved but wondering where is mine? I would open my eyes and there she was late night visits and smelled like alcohol, none the less I knew I had a mom. My character was more like my dads fun but yet serious in a way but loved the magical and fun things a girl can do but had no one to do them with I was highly creative and 80s style was my style. My mom did love me she just couldn’t get out her pain and it ruined and tore her apart. I got older and after my dad passed when I was 18 I finally got to hang with my my mom still hard to say mom I called her by her name and she would get mad but I was not used to it! She was such a giver regardless of her life decisions. And after she passed I was angry that I never had a chance to be a kid with a mom a real mom you can ask girly things to but I became a rebel till my dad passed and when she passed I was still feeling empty because my friends would tease me with thier mom. But she was so caring and fun to be around at times when she’s not poring her emotions out or blaming others. I realized. ok dad and mom are gone. I was giving like my mom people took advantage of the pain an took till I had no more to give I said no I’m not ending up like my mom putting myself last made her days get lesser by the day till she was gone I stopped it all I started saying no to what didn’t serve me I started changing and seeing good things are meant for me too, I couldn’t burden myself in not having a mom to do cute things with or get advice. So I was getting closer to being like my mom and didn’t want to point fingers of why I went so low when I did deserve better even though I had nothing else to live for there had to be a reason I was here, yes I didn’t have what others had but I learned to appreciate the little I did have allowing me to feel others pain and be giving to the ones that are in pain like me and not do it because someone is forcing me to give because they think I’m less but I’m not and said thank you mom I learned from you in heaven that I need to care about me because no one will but myself and if I started to love myself enough I would not end up dead young, because people didn’t care how much you gave they took it and left you dry. So she showed me to not give your all when you haven’t given yourself enough!