A Fresh Start

I looked at her with sadness in my eyes. What had caused her to make this heart wrenching decision? She had decided to leave for a while.

"Jordan it's just until things settle down," is what she told me, but it felt different to me it seemed like this was the beginning of the end.

For years, I had watch my mother suffer from her depression. I always knew when my mother had been crying which was more often then not. She tried to put on a happy face but it was hard for her to convince me I know her all too well. In order to understand why his mother felt she had to leave I spent days trying to rehash the past three years of my life. Things had gotten out of control. My mom and dad seemed to be fighting every other day. Why is mom always screaming? Why is she feeling the need to always yell. I know that her bipolar flares up often but she is on a specific prescription cocktail that is supposed to help her with these outbursts and feelings of hopelessness. That is what I have seen my mother feeling was hopelessness and I do not enjoy it at all. I need to fill you in on the details that I think led up to todays proclamation from my mother.

Few years ago, so I was only 12 at the time but I remember the fighting then. Sure before that my mom and dad argued but over dumb things like the sink of dirty dishes or mainly about money. So I never paid attention because I was always told not to worry about money, to be a kid. Well with all this yelling going on I couldn't think about anything but the money. It was causing a big problem that particular week. Mom cried more than I had seen her cry in a long time. She went to her room and didn't come back out unless it was to use the bathroom and to go to be with my Grandma Mickey, she always made my mom see things clearer. Having a tendency to overreact my mother learned to lean on her mother for guidance through the tormenting tricks her mind played on her as a woman with bipolar disorder and anxiety alone with life long traumas that had "made my mom who she is today. This caring loving kind mother of yours is fragile and we have to handle with safety," my grandma would always slip that in when I was asking questions. She didn't think I understood my mother at all. I did who do you think she always talked to? Me. That's right me. I knew things not twelve year old boy should know but I grew up faster, have a better understanding of lots of issues, and have a big soft spot for my mom and dad. They are my world and seemed as though my world was spinning out of control. The week that was one of the worst was when my mom found something that my dad had done online. I never knew exactly but in my mom's mind it was like stabbing her in her soul. She took to her bed and sobbed the loudest sobs I had ever heard. I went to her to ask what was wrong and she just sat up, wiped the tears from her face and said nothing we can't overcome son. She then laid back down and I watched as she shivered rocking back and forth all curled up in a ball and the tears streaming down her neck. My dad came home shortly after this and you could say "it hit the fan." All hell broke loose. My mom was screaming at my father in the bedroom and when I say screaming the people down the block thought she was yelling at them. She couldn't hardly breath I could hear her gasping for air. She couldn't even hardly talk at this point and that was when my father had taken enough scrutiny and he left for a while. And I watched as my mother returned to a shell of herself almost in a catatonic state of mind. I just worried so much that I made myself throw up. My mother rushed to me and in that moment she was my regular mom again. This day repeated itself for a year and a half. My mom didn't forgive my father for what ever he had done and it was clear she still felt pain, rightfully so, I don't know but I know she never let it go.

We bounced around a lot. My family never spent more than 8 years at a home. We were renters not owners. Well because of my Uncle Steve we came upon an opportunity to rent a house with option to buy and used said rent as a down payment. I don't really know how it works exactly but I knew it meant no more moving. I was happy about that. My mom cried a lot because she is a sentimental woman and gets nervous to a sense of being neurotic about change. This stressful even sent her to her bed again. Making it next to impossible for her to do what we needed her to do in order to have a smooth move. Things never go smoothly. Aunt Renee never made things easier if it meant that it effected her. She too was going to live with us at the new house. She has since I was born. She has always been with us for as long as I can remember. A package deal my dad always said, "if you take one you get the other." I don't know if he was joking or not but he had a look of frustration on his face. The thing about my mom and Aunt Renee they work best under pressure so things never got done until the very last moment. Driving my father crazy as he liked to be over prepared and get things done as quickly and easily as possible. "Work smarter not harder!" he always said. This move was a fresh start.

Two weeks after moving in things were in an uproar again. Dad had gotten a phone call from DCFS. They asked my father if he would take three of his cousin's children to care for them until the case was handled. See my dad's cousin Nick was in prison for drugs. He had an addiction and it ruined his life with his family and created many other problems. His wife was addicted too and someone called her into DCFS for neglect. Now Kat was a great mother but she was an addict and sometimes time got away from her. Her children were always fed. But alone with Nick in prison she was having a hard time staying above water. She was stubborn and didn't ask for help. The two weeks into our new house was changing quickly because she tested dirty and the complaints made were enough for DCFS to remove the children from the home. My mom had just found out about these relatives of my dad's not very much earlier. She didn't know these children or anything about them. Kat didn't want her children separated into different group homes and DCFS always looks for family placement first and after all of the close members either couldn't or wouldn't they got to my dad. All they had to do was say in order to keep these sibling together are you willing to give them housing and care until they are returned home or permanently put into the system. He said of course. Without hesitation he said that he would take on the upbringing of three more kids with out even asking my mom what she thought, or me for that matter. It was shocking. My mother was shocked. She was loving and open and told the children they were to act as if our home was their home. Why hadn't my dad asked my mom how she felt, because again she returned to a fetal position in her bed rocking with tears rolling down her face. She was double sad because she felt for those children but also because she knew it was too much for her bipolar brain to take. This was too much to taken on. The next year and seven months my mother poured her hard work and heart and soul into making those children understand their worth and ability to rise out of the situation they lived in to prosper into whoever they wanted to be. The sky was the limit. I got put on the back burner often which to be honest pissed me off but I get it. My mother always took time to explain why. Also, a famous quote of my mother's was " if you are in the position to help someone you do regardless of any other circumstances. You just do because that is the right thing to do." So I watched as these children took advantage of my mother's kindness. The took advantage of her need to please others. They survived in their eyes. My mom tried so hard to be there for each and every one of them but because of her bipolar spent a ton of time being sick because of the anxiety and stress that came with this big on taking. Raising other people's children that are really already half raised and set in their ways is a difficult task for the average person but for a bipolar disorder stricken woman couldn't stand it. There was a lack of effort by the mother and DCFS was so bogged down they were happy the kids were safe. My mom yelled a lot. One day I heard her say, "you brought home 3 kids without even asking how it may affect the rest of us! You should have asked before you did that." After these days the kids started to take even more from my mom. They pretended they needed her they manipulated her and she fell for it because she felt love in her heart for them. My mom always explained why things are the way they are. She was an open mother and very honest almost to a fault. But these kids devoured my mother in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it.

My parents got married that year. They solidified their seventeen year relationship with committing themselves to one another in front of family and friends. I thought that maybe now the yelling would stop but it didn't. My father had picked up a habit that mom did not agree with. This was a costly habit and hindering their ability to pay bills on time. Again I found my mom in a helpless ball on her bed crying. I couldn't take it anymore and asked her why? She would only say, it's not your fault son." I love my parents but I had had enough. Being a foster brother was not for me. I was an only child that had to schedule time to talk to my own mother. Because of mother and father's efforts the children did finally return home to their own mother, but for how long was my concern. But I was happy. I wanted my mom to have some relief and she felt it but this habit of my father's seemed to over take his ability to make the right decision. My mom would scream and yell for hours and threaten to leave but she never did. She always returned to her bed with tears streaming down her face in the fetal position. My mom had therapy once a week and saw a psychiatrist every 3 months but still couldn't cope with everyday life. I was tired of seeing her like this but I am just a boy trying to learn from my parents how to live a successful life. See, after the foster children left without a thank you or even a good bye my mother felt defeated and cheated. She had sacrificed enough and wanted an explanation. The incident on the computer came up often and the bringing home of three children with out asking came up too. My mom couldn't handle anymore. She was at her breaking point. Now with this habit my father had picked up she said, "I need a break from reality." "I have yet to heal from the incidences on the computer, the bringing home of children I don't even know to help raise while their parents get the help they need, and now this addiction." Never did my mom look the way she looked that day she made that proclamation. My mom was leaving. She decided to leave. She decided to let me finish school with my friends leaving me with my dad. She knew he would do right by me but felt he couldn't commit to doing right be her. So she called her best friend Ana and asked if there was any room for her at Ana's new ranch style home in Mississippi. Ana said of course without hesitation and my mom started to pack. She approached the door with her bags in her hands and my dad tried to stop her but a taxi was already waiting to take her to the airport. She had made up her mind. She said to me, "I have to leave...for me and for your dad. He's clearly not happy and it's driving me to want to die. It's unhealthy for you." No one ever asked me what I wanted but she was leaving my dad. I never thought I would see that day. Tears rolled down my face as my father opened the doors and helped her with her luggage. They hugged and kissed on the lips and my mother said, this isn't forever Nick but you need to decide what is more important to you? Because it doesn't feel like its me and I need a break in order to even survive. I'll be back she shouted from the cab window as it pulled away and my father turned and looked at me tears streaming down his face like never before, he said to me, "I've really messed up son. I'm sorry but I promise you this I will fix this! Mark my words all will be well again I will not give up!" For some reason I believed him, he was my father after all. I hoped my mom would let him fix it. Time would only tell. Until she comes home I will talk to my mom everyday on the phone. I will follow her through this journey that she has found herself on, one of self awareness and self care. A road she never followed before and be supportive in every sense of the word because all I want is for everything to return to normal, well as normal as my family can be that is.

I don't know exact details but I know a mitigating factor of my mother leaving was her low self esteem coupled with her hindering bipolar disorder. My mom couldn't handled the stress any longer and just needed a break. She just wanted to be loved. She had to love herself before she could feel loved by others. That's the quest she is on, on of self preservation. I am rooting for her because if she wins then so do me and my dad. We can have my mom back and that would be the happiest day of my life. I can hardly wait until she gets there. I do worry about how long it could take her to get there though. " Please hurry mother we are not complete without you." That's the way I felt that day. "Don't take to long mom I don't enjoy missing you. I love you.," it was all I could say before she walked away to save herself. Tears rolled down my face. I proudly wiped them away and returned to my room where I buried myself in my video gaming and felt numb to the pain caused by all the suffering my parents were going through. I was just a kid after all.