A complicated grief

He was the most outgoing kid you could possibly meet. Walking through the school hall with him was like walking into Cheers - everybody knew his name. He was a smart funny lovable kid.

A month after his 13th birthday, I lost my son to suicide. It was sudden, and seemingly out of nowhere. I'm not going into the details of his death, but rather what it left behind.

Complicated grief stems from a variety of instances - suicide, a car wreck, an overdose, so on - and we the living are left with a myriad of feelings and thoughts that go beyond mourning. We often get no chance to say goodbye, no closure, and are faced with guilt, anger, questions. Our brains are riddled with "if only," and shaking that is no small task.

Why am I writing this? Maybe it's so that others out there who know this grief don't feel so alone, even as they're surrounded by friends and family. Maybe it's to spread a little understanding to those who haven't experienced it themselves. Or maybe it's just because I'm still trying to wrap my head around it myself.

If you are experiencing a complicated grief, here are some things I have found that help, if even a little:

-Allow yourself all the emotions. They may or may not all make sense to you in the moment, but allow yourself to have them.

-Don't feel like you have to answer to others. Depending on the circumstances, people may have questions or opinions. You do not have to let them take time from you. They may mean well, but they're not walking in your shoes right now. Let them off with "I can't really respond to that right now," and walk away.

-Forgive yourself. This is a loaded one, we are faced with so many what-ifs and if-onlys that are hard to shake. At the end of the day, we did the best we knew how, loved the best we knew how.

-Take your time. There is no timetable for grief, especially in these circumstances. Don't let anyone rush the process, you do not have to pull yourself up and carry on like you were. You may have set-backs, you may feel great for a while and then something happens to take you back to raw grief, it's all normal.

-Live the fullest life you can. This is a personal one for me- when my son died, I lived about a year in a haze, and at the end of that year I presented myself with two options; follow him in his death, or follow him in his life. I chose to live life completely and fully, live like I knew he'd want me to, do things I knew would make him smile.

This is a small little drop in a huge bucket, but if it helps even one person navigate it all, then it is worth it. Remember, you are not alone. If you need help, reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 800-273-8255.