As a trained childbirth coach/pregnancy/birth/baby enthusiast, I thought I knew everything about what it would be like to be pregnant. Sickness? Crackers. Contractions? Bath. Pain? Breathe!
As President LittleHands would say... "Ehhh WWRROONNGUH."
You may burp all day everyday for at least a few months. I'm not talking dainty little tiny baby mouse burps that you can keep hidden from your coworkers. I'm talking constant, deep, man-like wet burps, the kind where you have to check your mouth to make sure your previous lunchtime roast beef sandwich isn't planning to prematurely come to visit your toilet via shooting out your mouth cannon. Get used to burping constantly. You might as well make it a game and start learning the burping ABC's for a party trick.
2. Morning Sickness
"Aww you have morning sickness? Is it just in the morning? Do you feel better after you throw up?" You should eat crackers." Let me effing tell you about effing crackers. They come up. And if you don't chew well enough, the cracker corners scratch your esophagus like a tiny little monster with a thousand little claws. "Morning sickness" is a load of BS, because it is everyday, every minute, morning, noon, and night sickness. It is holding down vomit in your throat and trying to slam your nostrils shut so the puke doesn't come outta those holes, too. It's also unavoidable vomit breath, masked with mint toothpaste. It's the absolute worst. I had slight hypermeisis, so it was worse than most... and I honestly looked forward to going to bed at night just so I could be unconscious. (I asked my husband everyday if he would cut the baby out and then kill me because I was SO SICK... which TBH is a little morbid but sometimes "morning sickness" makes you lose your mind.) Food becomes the enemy. Food is best kept in your stomach forever, and some foods should NEVER under any circumstance be allowed to come back up... which brings me to my next point.
3. Vomit Taste/Color/Texture
You'll be doing a lot of vomiting, and if you're like me... it will be constant, everyday, partly digested meals coming out your mouth AND your nose. It ain't so bad when you throw up within five minutes, because it basically just tastes like the same food spontaneously visiting your mouth again... like a second snack, unfortunately. No burning hot lava bile taste yet! Hear me loud and clear, ladies. PSA: be selective about what you want to see in your toilet. For example: Red Gatorade will look like blood. Chocolate will look like diarrhea, and meat will look like your grandmothers latest casserole. Beware and think hard what you want your face to be hanging next to in the toilet bowl.
4. Night Sweats
Every morning you may wake up in a puddle of your own sweat. I'm talking a special kind of pregnant sweat that is mostly swass, swoob, and shows up in every other human crevice possible. I would invest in a waterproof mattress cover if you want to keep your mattress longer than nine months.
5. Farts/Toots/ Poots and Foofs
After the first few months of hormonal bloating stops, your belly quickly fills up with a human. This obviously puts pressure on all your guts and especially your pelvis. Now, I am not a farter. I maybe have farted in front of my family ONE TIME and absolutely never in front of my husband. But the pregnancy toots are escape artists. You'll come to a point where you will all of a sudden be casually moseying an aisle at Target, get a whiff of something VILE, and turn around to find the disgusting suspect who would do such a horrendous thing in public. Girl, it was you. Your b-hole has betrayed you. A pregnant toot can happen when you walk, waddle, sit or stand. The best thing is... is to obvi ALWAYS blame the fetus. You can't help it. The baby basically has your intestines wrapped around its little fists like a maniac. You just gotta wait it out until you have control of your body again a few months (yes MONTHS) after delivery. This too shall "pass."
Ever seen deer poop? For the next nine months get ready to never poop like a normal human again. There ain't any room in there to form a normal poop, and your hormone monsters are controlling everything down to your fecal matter. You'll basically be a poop gumball machine until your post birth first poop... which will make you SO scared you are going to rip your stitches and b-hole open, you'll miss your dear, deer poops.
7. Losing Your Mucus Plug
If you want to ruin your life, go google "mucus plug." (But be careful because for some reason one of the top results is a horses vagina, I'm not lying.) When you read about a mucus plug... you think... "Oh. It's gonna be a round little thing that comes out in the toilet and then I'll go into labor three days later." That would be awesome. It's actually a bloody, gunky, red/pink/brown blob. It looks like a mix between a slug and an unhatched baby chicken embryo. So get ready to see that come out of your body and think you're dying for a minute.
So, good luck and hunker down to get ready for the most disgusting and beautiful experience of your life. Godspeed.