5 things I learnt about how to cope with death during a Covid lockdown

Background

Earlier this year, I lost both my grandmother and father within three months of each other. Both deaths were under very different circumstances; my grandma passed away after struggling with various age related illnesses and my dad from a sudden heart attack. At this point, I was no stranger to death after having lost my mother three years ago. However, one thing I was definitely not prepared for was managing my grief alongside the crippling loneliness and isolation that came with being under lockdown.

It was tough to say the least. I lost the two people that meant the most to me in such a short period of time. I was essentially forced to mourn their deaths alone instead of celebrating their lives with my other loved ones. I could not distract myself by going to my favourite places or even meeting my favourite people. It was especially frustrating since we all lived so close by but were not permitted to meet once the respective funerals were concluded but I understand that it was in the interest of public safety. That being said, I knew that by sitting at home and hoping these feelings will soon pass or get easier to manage, I would only spiral further in an unhealthy direction. Thus, I had no choice but to find ways to manage these feelings in order to keep my own spirits up and move towards a healthier, more productive path. This is what I learnt.

5. Avoid loneliness

This is quite tricky but at the same time, very important. The main thing to understand here is the difference between being alone and feeling lonely. When you’re under lockdown and by yourself, you’re alone and there’s no two ways around that. However, the feeling of loneliness is what is important to avoid especially when dealing with grief and loss.

When my grandma passed away, I was neither alone nor lonely since my dad and I lived together. After he died, I was by myself at home. I initially spent a few days living with my sister and her family just after his death but returned home a few days later to organize his things. Unfortunately, the rules meant that I could not travel back and forth as the situation was no longer as urgent and I had to remain home for at least the next month. That was when everything hit me. For the first time in my life, I felt real loneliness. It was especially difficult for me because I was always with friends and family. Even on the days I stayed at home, people would be constantly in and out. The silence was deafening and I did not even have the heart to leave the top floor of my house for the next few days. That first day back, I was especially shut off. I did not even hear the sound of my own voice.

I had no urge or interest to do anything and the only thing that really occupied my time besides eating and sleeping was having to reply to the many calls and text messages I was receiving in the coming days. It was then I realised that the only reason I still bothered to reply to these messages was because it meant I still got to talk to someone. There was still some semblance of interaction and it was somewhat reassuring. I consider myself very blessed to have friends who would talk with me for hours and hours. They’d listen to me rant and vent, distract me with jokes and gossip and reassure me that I would never truly be by myself.

They were right. Although I did not physically see another person for quite a number of weeks, I could still speak to someone and watch shows or play games with them. It was not quite the same but it was a good enough distraction and taught me the difference between being alone and feeling lonely. The only issue was that physically, I was still quite a wreck.

I had become quite out of shape and somewhat unkempt in my appearance. The house was a mess and I barely stepped foot past the floor where my bedroom was. I personally did not want to be seen in such a state and rather than do anything about it, I let everything pile up and found it easier to just hide away. Looking back at it, that was a mistake because I was shutting myself off. Even when friends or relatives were able to get permission to drop by to check up on everything, I’d come up with some kind of excuse to stop them from coming over.

Fortunately, I had a close uncle whose job allowed him to travel freely. My dad had also given him a set of keys to the house. He showed up unannounced one evening and declared that he would not leave until the house was in order again. Initially, I was quite afraid and embarrassed at the state I had left everything in but as we spent the next couple of days cleaning up and watching TV together, I grew more and more relieved. For the first time in a long time, I had actual company again and even after we sorted the house out, he would still come every evening for a few hours after work. His visits and the calls from my friends were very important to me these past few months, because although I often spent my days alone at home, I could always look forward to hearing from someone or expecting a visit later in the night.

Loneliness is the worst thing you can sink into when you’re already dealing with grief. When you shut yourself in, you’re left alone with nothing but your thoughts. In my case, the only thing that ran through my mind was that moment when my father passed away and when you’re consumed by such painful memories, your mind goes to a very bad place. So always find someone to call or message, check in with friends and family who message you and most of all, if they are able to come see you let them no matter how difficult you may feel it is at the time. More often than not, eliminating loneliness will be your first step in healing.

4. Never bottle up your feelings

A struggle I had even after being able to reach out or see more people again was not being entirely honest with how I felt. Sometimes, I found myself painting a rosier picture of how I was truly feeling and constantly telling people that I was fine. I realise now that I probably should not have done that but at the same time I knew I did not have any ill intentions by doing that.

Sometimes, I just did not want people to worry about me too much especially when they had their own problems during this pandemic. Other times, I believed that by convincing people that I was fine, I’d be able to convince myself too and find real happiness again. That obviously did not work. In fact, it may have made things worse. It was mentally draining having to keep up appearances and I personally hated the fact that I could not bring myself to be entirely honest with the people that I loved.

Once again, it took someone seeing through my words to force me to really open up. I never liked looking weak or to be pitied by others but once I opened up about how I truly felt, I realised that I was not as pitiful as I thought I’d be. In fact, I found strength in the fact that I was able to express my feelings so candidly. On top of that, there was also a sense of release from having lifted such a heavy load off my chest. To be honest, it felt good being able to open up like that. Although it forced me to confront some very painful memories, it also allowed me to move past them and seek the advice of someone who may know better.

By being fully honest about how you feel, you would be one step closer in your healing. Talking about how you really feel shows that you have accepted the feelings of loss and grief and are now willing to move forward towards managing those feelings. Bear in mind, that this may take time so never feel bad if you are unable to instantly open up. It is not easy, so only do it when you are good and ready to and remember that it takes real strength to be that honest. So, when you do open up you deserve to be proud.

3. Establish some structure in your life

When you lose someone close to you, it can knock your whole world off its axis. It’s very easy to become disorganised and to lack the motivation to do the things you may have once done with ease. It was especially hard for me because a great deal of my life revolved around my dad and grandma. I visited or called my grandma very regularly, always at the same time and for the same duration. My dad and I were virtually inseparable especially during this lockdown. From the time I was born until last April, my dad would be the first person I saw each morning and the last person I spoke to before bed. It was very hard to get into a new routine especially when you’ve got to move on from one you’ve been used to all your life.

It was quite daunting knowing that I now had so much time and nowhere to go. I did not know where to start or what to do. So, the easiest thing at first was to do nothing. That of course was not healthy but I rationalised it in my head by saying that it’s better to do nothing at all than to sink into bad habits. That was not good for me since at that time, I was at the tail end of my time in university.

Thankfully, I had a friend who helped me see that sometimes, doing nothing was a bad habit in itself especially during such a crucial period in my life. I had to get my head back into the game in order to pass my final exams. Of course at the start, I was not motivated and I can’t blame anyone for feeling that way especially after such a terrible series of events. However, the fact that I had something to do, something to work towards and something to achieve, helped me get myself going again.

It was an accomplishment in itself to not only find a distraction from the grief and loss I was feeling but also the opportunity to do something productive and to better myself. Being able to go to bed each night once again knowing I had the next day planned out with things to do was a huge relief for me. I slept better each night and woke up each morning motivated to get started with what I had to do. I also began to set an hourly routine for myself in terms of what and when I ate, what I did at certain times and when to treat myself. Being able to pass my exams and get my degree was to me, a sign that I was really beginning to pick up the pieces and move on.

To have a daily plan or some kind of structure in a situation like this is of paramount importance. Having something to look forward to or prepare for especially when it may not be as easy to go out or see people will give you a productive way to distract your mind from the sadness you may feel. On top of that, the satisfaction you will feel after accomplishing whatever you set out to do for the day is the best motivation to keep on going.

2. Find a new hobby

Once I began getting into the swing of life again, I was faced with two challenges. Firstly, the lockdown meant that there were many things that I wanted to do again that I could not yet do again. Secondly, many of the things I could still do were quite difficult emotionally due to the memories associated with them.

With my exams done and quite a few months left to go before being able to continue my studies, I knew I had to find something to keep myself busy at home in the meantime. I set my sights on something time consuming but productive and where I did not need to leave home. That was when I discovered writing. At the urging of my friends, I began to write and share my stories online. To my surprise, writing has fulfilled me in many ways. It has given me a healthy and safe hobby to keep me occupied during lockdown, it allowed me to confront and comfortably share my feelings and it has given me a great sense of accomplishment knowing that my work is capable of earning money as well. On top of that, since it was completely new I had no memories from before to keep me down and it felt good being able to start something new completely from scratch.

Finding a new hobby during such times is way more than just a distraction from the emptiness and isolation. In many ways, it marks a new beginning and a fresh start in some ways. Sometimes, the best way to move on from losing something is to embark on a journey to build something new. While you can never get rid of the sadness of losing the ones you love, the satisfaction you will get from starting something new and watching it grow is equally irreplaceable.

1. Never forget the good times you had

One of the most challenging things about dealing with death is the constant reminders that the person you lost is not coming back anymore. This is even harder if you lived together and are now confined to the home you once shared. In my case, every inch of my house reminded me of my dad in some way. I’d get sad when I saw his favourite chair or if I went down to the kitchen where he spent many hours cooking delicious meals for the family. Everything I saw was just a constant reminder which I could not escape from. So I thought that the only way to move past this was to just block these thoughts and memories out.

Not only was this impossible, it also overcame me with a sense of guilt. I felt like I was just trying to kick aside years and years of wonderful memories and life lessons to the curb just because I felt afraid to relive them. Bear in mind that by this point of my grieving process I was already as functional and productive as I had been before any of this happened and was in a better place both physically and emotionally. However, I still could not help but feel that bit of guilt and it weighed on my mind.

That was when I realised that moving on did not mean running away from the past. In fact, I learnt to be grateful for the time I had with my dad and grandma and embrace the fact that I am who I am today thanks to them. Coping with a loss does not only mean being able to talk about the events surrounding the loss but to also be able to once again look back at the memories you shared with that loved one with the same joy as when they were still alive.

I wrote this article because I wanted to share my struggle and to tell anyone reading this that they are not alone. Dealing with grief especially in a time like this, is a slow and difficult process and you should never feel guilty if you take a longer time to grieve than others. I have lived through a rollercoaster of emotions these past few months and if I can come out of it, I know you can too. My only hope is that these steps will help you in your own journeys and allow you to heal at your own pace.