by Bella E about a year ago in grief

Missing You


475 days... that’s how long it’s been. It feels like it was just yesterday.

475 days ago I received a phone call, this wasn't just a phone call; it was the phone call that would change everything. I wasn't prepared for this...

I was in such a rush when I left, I didn't have time to grab anything, I just put JJ in her car seat and went. Not even sure where I was going, weaving through cars at 80 MPH (speed limit 60) I was on my way to find you. Something was telling me to go to the model home but for some reason, I decided to drive past your dad's. I noticed your light was on but I didn't see your truck, I kept driving, I went all the way to A—y's, looked everywhere but couldn't find your truck. I decided to stop by your dad's, I noticed the light was off. I didn't want to knock on the door, it wasn't even AM yet. They already hated me, but I had no choice. I knocked on the door, dogs barking like crazy and your dad comes out in pajamas and a robe. I apologized and told him you were talking crazy because I said I was done, I showed him the picture of you hanging yourself, flipping me off. I asked your dad to look downstairs, and to check the garage. I told him I was worried and to please try contacting you. I left your dad's and saw the gas light on in your car, I didn't have any money with me. I figured I'd do a drive off but I got nervous, you would have been pissed. My cousin told me he'd meet me at the SA by Walmart so I went there, it was packed and he was taking forever so I parked in the Walmart parking lot. I called your work, they said they would see what they could do to get ahold of you, I didn't actually tell them you were suicidal, I just said it was an emergency. I called the police and told them the situation and asked them to track you down by your phone number but they said since you’ve done this in the past, you were probably just saying it. They wouldn’t help. My cousin was taking forever, I felt helpless; I didn't know what to do. After what felt like forever, my cousin finally called. I met him at SA, as I was pumping the gas Ashly called, she said she just talked to your dad. I told her what happened, She said one of her neighbors called her and said the police were just at her house and she didn't know why, she said she was going to call and figure out what was going on. We both thought you were probably just saying it like every other time. I don't know why it didn't click when she said the police were at her house. We should of known then, why else would they show up. Then out of nowhere, JJ just started crying, I told Ashly I'd keep her posted and for her to do the same. I couldn't get JJ to calm down. She was crying so hard, I pulled back into the Walmart parking lot and took JJ out of her car seat, I didn't know what was wrong with her, it was unusual for her to be crying that hard. My phone started ringing, JJ still crying, I answered it. He said his name was Johnathon, he said he was with the Ramsey County medical examiners office. I thought maybe you had one of your friends call me, just messing around. He then asked if I had any relation to you, and asked if I was with anyone... I said we have a child together and the only person with me was our daughter. Then he said it,

"I'm sorry to inform you, the Rose—le police found an individual at a model home..." I didn't even let him finish talking, all I could say was no, I didn't know what to do, I couldn't breathe. I just kept saying oh my fucking God over and over. Do you remember that feeling we would get when one of us said it was over, and we blocked the phone number or shut off our phone? It fuckin sucked! The anxiety and panic you’d feel; feeling like throwing up, not knowing what to do, just feeling helpless? Well that's what I felt but a million times worse. I just wanted to push a rewind button and go back to the day before but I couldn’t. Suddenly, I could smell your cologne, it was strong and it came out of nowhere. It started hitting me, realizing there was no fixing the last fight we just had. You were never coming back! I was shaking. I put JJ back in her car seat and drove as fast as I could to my mom's. Yelling and crying, asking why. That ten-minute drive felt like it took hours, I couldn't get there fast enough. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but JJ was in the back seat still crying, only now she was crying harder because I was. I finally got to my mom's, I just wanted to drop to the ground and cry, my body was so weak. I had to try keeping myself together as much as I could for JJ. I swung the door open, crying harder than I ever have before, I just yelled mom he's gone!!!! She asked who? And I said, Jimmy!!! He killed himself!!! She told me to settle down, that I was going to give her a heart-attack (she has a bad heart), I set JJ down and just collapsed on the couch. I couldn't breathe, I just cried. My mom did nothing, she didn't care (She hated you) she just sat there. My sisters came over, and I just cried, for hours. I couldn't even talk. All I could think about is how you had to die alone, nobody there to hold your hand. I just kept apologizing to you for not getting there on time. If I knew you really wanted to end your life and were serious, you could of told me. We could of went together? Or I could of at least held you so you didn't have to die alone. If only I could just hold you one more time and tell you I love you, tell you how sorry I am. I’ll never forgive myself for this. my heart aches for you every day.

I just miss you so much.

Read next: Understanding the Effects of Addiction on the Family
Bella E

I’m usually not a depressed person, but I’ve noticed some changes about myself and I’m not going to lie, I’m a little scared. Lets hope this works! Fingers crossed! 🤞🙏💔

Trying to fix it my way first, not ready for any drs. 

See all posts by Bella E