4 Words

Dear Mum,

A confession is never really easy to say and to be honest when I started writing this, I didn't know what was to come. Something you wouldn't know, is that you have been triggering me for years with 4 little words. They bug the absolutely crap out of me and to be honest when my husband says the exact same 4 words it makes me furious. Whenever you say the words, I feel unimportant, unloved, unwanted and most importantly that I am the cause of you having to say those 4 words. Those 4 words carry so much pain for me, but to you, it is probably nothing to say, but to me it is downright horrible. I have been hearing those 4 words since Dad left and that is 36 years ago. Even on my birthday this year you still said those 4 words. I think they are so ingrained in your vocabulary that they just roll off your tongue, especially when you don't want to do something or life is too hard.

I have been thinking about all the times I heard those 4 words. When I had a sports carnival at school, yep those 4 words suck. When I had to run the cross country, out they rolled again. Ooh one of my favourites as a kid, you can't be sick because yep here they come the 4 words. Thankfully I had a Grandmother who didn't have those 4 words in her vocabulary (actually she told me numerous times, she didn't understand why you had to say those 4 words so much).

Honestly no one understood, except maybe you or maybe not, or maybe it was just the easy option to say the 4 words. Being a lot older now and looking back, I can see that you were probably filled with anxiety and worry of doing things wrong or saying the wrong thing, so it was easier to just say I'm sorry and out rolled the 4 words. I get it now, but as a kid, I hated it. All I wanted sometimes was for you to be there and just show up, but all I heard were those 4 words. I felt like you didn't care about anything, except those 4 words. So I just hid my pain inside and bottled it up.

One of my favourite memories that came from your 4 words, was that you were so tired from doing the 4 words that you had no idea what us, your kids got up too. One day we threw marbles in our hallway (don't worry it was on the carpet) and shut all the doors that opened into the hallway, covered up any light coming in and then ran across the marbles in the pitch dark. Oh Mum, you were fast asleep and had no clue because of those 4 words. Another day we decided to try our hand at roof tennis, the house became the net and one of us stood at the front of the house and the other one at the back and we smacked tennis balls across the roof to the each other, we did lose a few tennis balls that day. Lucky you were asleep, after doing those 4 words all week, you wouldn't have enjoyed that tennis match one bit.

I thought that once I grew up I wouldn't hear those 4 words anymore but no such luck. Along came my first baby and as you know I had relocated 8 hours away, so when she was due to arrive. Well I had to be induced and out came those 4 words and that you could only drive over on the morning that I was going into hospital! So because of those 4 words, you ended up a mess by the time you made it over to me, I was in labour pretty quick smart. So there was no time for you to have a nap or anything it was drive straight to the hospital and wait for this baby to arrive in the very early hours of the next morning. Oh Mum those 4 words have really affected your life and mine.

Then baby No.2 and this time, well I have to laugh at how ingrained those 4 words are when this one happened. As you know, Baby No.2 was not going to wait for you to have a break from your 4 words but actually come early. Well no one was prepared for his arrival, it was definitely a surprise labour. I rang you just after my water broke, to let you know, so that you could let your 4 words know that we were having a sudden change of plans. Your response was, "I can't drive over now it's 3 in the afternoon, and just so you know I can only stay 2 weeks because of those 4 damn words". At this point I almost screamed down the phone "I KNOW MUM, I HAVE ONLY HEARD IT MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE!" But instead I said " I know Mum, I understand." I hung up the phone and yep he was born over night. I rang you to let you know and you said "I hardly slept I was so worried, I will be on my way just as soon as I let the 4 words know." So you drove over hardly stopping and you arrived at the hospital and reminded me that you could only stay 2 weeks because of, yep you guessed it those 4 words.

My babies started to grow and then you decided that those 4 words were extremely important again! I mean REALLY! Yep my kids started to hear those 4 words, I thought by now you would've, I don't know stopped putting more energy into those 4 words than the people around you! But no! My kids would ring all hopeful that you would come over for a dance concert or Grandparents day at school but no. They got to hear those 4 words just like I did, but this time I had to explain why they were important. But it wasn't just you this time it was their Dad too. So I became more and more determined not to say those words. My kids needed to have someone in their life not make those 4 words more important than them honestly.

But here is the thing Mum, I know that because of those 4 words, I was able to learn the organ, play hockey, eat 3 meals a day and snacks, have all my school supplies, have clothes to wear, clean sheets, electricity, a warm bed, running water, an endless supply of tennis balls and of course a roof over my head. Without those 4 words in my life we wouldn't have much. So while they trigger me and I wish that you could've taken a day off from those 4 words to just be there for me. I understand why you always said

"I have to work"