The Year I Fell Apart


I don't know why miscarriage is such a taboo subject and why no one ever feels they can talk about it but as a miscarriage survivor (and yes I say survivor because getting through it is a battle), I can't talk about it enough. Not because I want sympathy or the attention but more because I want people to know they are not alone.

When I experienced by first miscarriage, I was 12 weeks 1 day along. I had no cramping, no bleeding, no clots, and no history of any issue to cause a red flag. I had two very healthy boys that are 26 months apart. We got pregnant with the boys and baby 3 the very first month trying, which to us was a huge blessing. I went to the ER simply because I literally had spotting of pink blood when I wiped one time and just wanted to make sure all was ok with our baby... only to find out it wasn't.

Twelve weeks one day along I was "ok"... we were in the safe zone by then, right!? Wrong. We did everything right according to our doctor. We saw him as soon as we found out, we got our labs drawn every 48 hours to make sure my HCG was doubling (and it did and then some), we had an ultrasound and saw a heartbeat, and the baby measured exactly as it should for when I got pregnant. We were going to have a baby in August of 2012... just before our second would turn 2 which was a tad earlier than we planned but we should have known by the previous two pregnancies that nothing goes as planned.

I got to the ER and got an ultrasound and just knew it was bad news. My husband was at home unable to join me because we had no one to watch our other two children so a close friend of mine came to sit with me in the ER and be by my side as I awaited the news that would forever change who I am as a person: "I'm sorry to tell you that there is no heartbeat." I sat there in shock. In my head and heart I knew this news was coming. I hadn't felt pregnant for a few weeks, my stomach wasn't growing like it was, and if I didn't KNOW I was pregnant I wouldn't even think I was... yes, I just told my husband this right before the spotting happened maybe a handful of days prior.

So what next!? There is a baby, my baby, inside of me with no heartbeat... what do I do!? I can tell you that I did not AT ALL handle this well. Knowing that our baby was no longer alive in my small bump of a belly did things to my state of mind that I cannot even begin to explain. I wanted our baby out. I just could not mentally handle it, so we scheduled a D&C asap. Going into the procedure and coming to awake afterwards knowing my baby was gone, I was no longer pregnant with no answers, wasn't any easier as I had hoped. I felt empty, lost and just confused. My doctor tells me that miscarriages happen, there is no reason, and there was nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome... but to me that just was not the answer I wanted or needed. I hated myself, my body... after all it was my body that failed to protect and grow our baby and no one could ever tell me different. I wanted our baby, and I knew we would try again but I loved our angel from the moment I saw that positive test and even more so when I heard the heartbeat and saw that there was a baby actually inside me. Nothing would ever replace the baby we lost because (s)he was real and alive and we made that baby out of love.

"The sooner you get pregnant after your D&C the chances of another miscarriage are significantly less," says my doctor so as soon as we are given the okay we try again... and BOOM pregnant the first month of trying. Baby #4 is on the way and due Christmas Day!!! What an amazing gift we've been given—I mean after our first loss what better way to try to heal some is getting pregnant so fast and due at Christmas!!! So here we go again, blood work every 48 hours, ultrasound to confirm dates and pregnancy and there it is... a heartbeat! Since I had just miscarried we get a 6 week then 9 week ultrasound because based off the ultrasound the ER did and my doctor just before my D&C, our baby passed at 9 weeks exactly. So 9 week ultrasound and I am on the verge of throwing up the whole day leading up to my appointment. You see, my heart knew something wasn't right with this baby because at 6 weeks, although the heartbeat was seen and heard, the baby was measuring small and I knew when I got pregnant, there was no denying my dates. So I'm on the exam table at my doctor's office and he's doing my ultrasound and the heartbeat is there and strong and sounds like music to my ears; however the baby is still measuring off. My heart knows this isn't right but my head is telling me that my first measured over a week off from his due date and was a very small baby despite going three days overdue so everything is fine, but 2 days later I have pink spotting. It's like deja vu. No cramps, no clots or heavy bleeding. To the ER we go, this time with my husband at my side. The ER is very accommodating and gives us an ultrasound to settle our fears. The tech is the most amazing lady and then before the ER doctor even confirms the news I had feared all along, the tech tells us there is no heartbeat. I am wheeled in my hospital bed by the tech to a private area of the ER to mourn the loss of our fourth baby.

Two babies gone just like that. This time I'm beyond devastated because we got pregnant right away just like we were told and STILL miscarried. I'm angry—oh man was I angry. I hated anyone and everyone that was pregnant or just had a baby despite who they were because I was jealous and envious. How was this fair? I had a good marriage, amazing husband, two big brothers waiting for a sibling, and I was young and in overall good health, so why was my body unable to carry a baby!? I told my husband I couldn't try againm that I needed a break. I mentally was in a very dark place and frankly did not like the person I was... so full of hate and resentment, sadness, and a depression that I've never experienced before.

As if this time in my life wasn't crushing enough as I learn we had lost our baby I learn my aunt is dying, my aunt who I loved as a mother and if I didn't get to Columbus over two hours away ASAP, I would not be able to say goodbye too so off we go. I am literally miscarrying in her hospital room. Contraction like cramps and suffering in a hospital room with my closest family telling my aunt to please look after my babies until I can. To love them, hold them, and make sure they never are alone. It's a day I will never forget for the rest of my life. The pain is still as much there six years later as it was that day. I don't think I'll ever feel anything but absolute heartbreak when I think of that day... it was the hardest day of my life.

With so many feelings we decided to allow us to heal. We both needed to mentally take a break and focus on us and the two boys we had already. I wanted and needed to research as much as possible, get in the best shape of my life, and deal with every emotion under the sun I was having daily. We left the doctor who treated me during my miscarriages because we felt due to my D&C and it being a way bigger procedure than explained that was a huge reason why I miscarried. My body simply wasn't healed. We found an amazing high risk doctor who ran test after test on me to see if there was ANYTHING off with my body. I lost 10 lbs and was back to my wedding weight. Eight months we took off of baby thoughts and worked on ourselves. We were not over what happened and still aren't six years later but we weren't so angry and bitter. We decided whatever happened with this fifth pregnancy would be it.. no more after this. I couldn't mentally handle anything else so if we got a baby we were done and if we miscarried we were done.

We did all the tests asked, all normal. We did clomid to make sure my eggs were healthy, did BBT every morning, did ovulation tests and trackers... and BOOM pregnant again. Every day from the moment I got my positive test until September 27, 2013 when I delivered our Frank breech baby girl via c-section, I worried non stop we would not get our baby again... but she's now 4, about to start pre-kindergarten, and the princess of this house! Not a day goes by that I don't think about our two angels in heaven, wonder who they would be today, if they were a boy or girl... I will always wonder, miss them, and love them.

To me, I'm a mom of five.. two I just never got to hold, see, touch, or kiss. I never named them or learned their gender but it doesn't make my love for them any less than my living children. You really can love someone you've never met with your whole heart. I am still dealing with our losses to this day and for a long time I didn't realize just how miserable I was even though we got our baby in the end. She is our miracle as are her brothers but she will never replace our two... and we would never want her too.

2012 was a very dark time in my life and that pain, that anger... I would never wish that pain on anyone... I am stronger now than ever because of 2012 but it's a something I still work on daily.

If you are suffering like I did/am from a miscarriage know you are not alone. One in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage... but my high risk doctor said it's actually more like two in four. No one can understand your pain or feelings unless they have experienced it for themselves... I hope my story helps someone... and if it does it was worth the tears I cried writing it.

Cortney Grezlik
Cortney Grezlik
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Cortney Grezlik
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