2 years and 30 days.

13/04/2020

2 years and 30 days has passed since the last time that we've talked to each other.

It was two days before your birthday, but I don't think you were aware of this. I don't think you were aware by much details by this time.

You asked me what I had for breakfast and you also asked me to scratch your back. We talked for a bit about our favourite reality T.V. show. I told you what was happening in the latest episodes because you don't really have the energy to watch T.V. anymore, I mean, you had to ask me to scratch your back because you didn't have the energy to do this for yourself anymore either.

It was a different day, you seemed more tired, more unaware of your surroundings. You were asking questions that was very unclear and the night before that, you were saying things that didn't make sense. It was like, you were dreaming but your eyes we open and blank. You were saying your name and you were talking about the memories that you had. Except, you weren't saying them to me, it was almost like you were reliving them again inside your head.

I was confused, tired and scared. You kept drifting off inside your head then back to me. I didn't want you to drift off inside your head but I didn't want you back to reality either, because then, you would be in pain. The only thing that made sense that night was when you asked me if I was getting tired of taking care of you. Automatically, I said no and put a blanket up to your waist like you requested.

Back then, I thought that after the Doctors told us that you won't survive, that you only had a few months to live, that I had accepted their answer. I thought I had lost hope for a miracle, I thought I just wanted it to end so you would no longer be in pain.

But when you left us, I realized that I was still hoping. I was hoping big time, that you can beat it. I wanted it to end with a miracle. I realized that I would rather take care of you everyday for the rest of my life instead of what had happened. I would have been okay not sleeping anymore, I would have been okay dedicating my life to you and I know that we all felt that way.

When you left us, I realized that I actually would do anything so that you would come back. If I could, I would have taken the pain away, I would have taken your place instead.

Every word in the dictionary had a new meaning. The word, 'love' no longer apply to my favourite ice cream, because I love you. I don't 'miss' being in high school, because I miss you. I wasn't 'heartbroken' in my last breakup, because I am heartbroken that you are no longer around.

My sister.

I am very lucky to have had you in my life. I am happy that I got to tell you that I love you. I'm happy that on your last night, I was able to be next to you, that I was able to take care of you.

I wish I could tell you how sorry I am for being such a disobedient sister to you and a disobedient daughter to our parents. I didn't make things easy, because deep down I knew, you'd always have my back and you did.

I know I was able to express my gratitude for everything that you have done for me and for our family, but I wish I had done more. I wish I was more of a help and less of a burden. I hope that you know, everything that I wish I could tell you now.

I would do anything to see you again now, even for just a minute. There literally, isn't a day that we don't think about you. And there isn't a day where it didn't hurt.

I didn't want them to take your body away, because it meant that you're really gone. I was there in your bedroom with you, when they grabbed you so carefully and you weren't moving at all. You hated it when people you didn't know touched you but you weren't saying anything at all.

I wanted to yell, I wanted to bang my head against the wall so I would wake up. I wanted to stop crying, I wanted to keep believing that it was all just a very bad dream. But it was all real.

I want to talk to you again, I want you to see me finish studying, get married and if I have children, I want you to meet them somehow. It's so painful but so inevitable to keep being reminded that my future no longer includes you.

I want the whole world to know how great you are. I want them to know that you once met someone who was being abused and you bought a plane ticket for her the very next day to help her escape. I want them to know that you met a woman so lonely in her life and you decided to befriend her so she would be less alone and made the effort to visit her whenever you had the time. You accepted people who were not accepted. You inspired so many people and you changed many lives, including mine.

You have inspired me to value the things in this world that I had taken for granted. You have inspired me to be a better person and to be the kind of person that I can be.

At 33, you have been taken from this world. My sister, of 22 years to forever.

I miss you.