10 Reasons Why Divorce Is Anything but a Failure

It is a rare thing for those brave enough to get married to walk into it expecting a divorce.

Maybe I am too much of a romantic or too much of an optimist to believe that those of us who get married go in thinking, “If it doesn’t work out, divorce is an option.”

Most of us go into marriage with the best intentions: white picket fence, a house full of kids, a Volvo, a golden retriever, laughter, health, and happily ever after.

Most of us don’t say, “I do” with the expectation of divorce.

But hey, it happens.

And it happens to over half of us in the United States alone. The divorce rate has declined the last few years (thanks and no thanks to millennials, because millennials are not marrying). Fewer marriages mean fewer divorces.

However, divorce does not equal failure. A lot of good can come from ending a marriage.

Here are ten good things that happened for me.

1. I started to live again. I was so dead inside towards the end of my marriage. Numb. Seemingly safe, but not here. I wasn’t living, I was just going through the motions, not taking any risks in my professional or personal life. I’m now fully awake and back in the land of the living. Since my husband asked for a divorce, everything seems brighter, like some foggy lens has been lifted from my view and I’m now seeing clearly. The world is in color and in focus once again.
2. You get a chance to start over and go forward any way you want, but this time as an older and much wiser person. I have the opportunity to create a new and more fulfilling story for my daughter and me. One that I alone get to write.
3. I wouldn’t call a decade being married to the same man a failure. I spent ten years of my life in a relationship with another person, just because it ended in divorce, does not make it a failure. Ten years of marriage is not a failure. I learned a lot from being with my husband and countless things about myself from being intertwined with this particular person that I would not have learned otherwise.
4. I am living alone for the first time in my life. Before marriage, I lived in a large dorm room in college. After college, I lived with a bunch of my girlfriends, and then I got married. Everyone should live alone once in their lives. It forces you to grow in ways you don’t realize until you try it. Especially if you are a woman. Now, I realize, I’m not totally alone, I have a child and two dogs and two cats. But I’m the only human adult in the house, and that is new and thrilling for me. Honestly, I love it. No cleaning up after another adult, or expecting them to clean up after themselves, and being disappointed when they don’t. My daughter cleans up after herself more than any adult I have ever lived with — she has to. She doesn’t have a choice. Now, I make the rules. It is kind of fantastic.
5. My daughter is a gift. Without my marriage, I wouldn’t have her. I would do it again in a minute, even knowing my marriage wouldn’t last more than a decade.
6. I am a better parent as a single mom. When strength is required, you summon it. When your child needs you, you dig deep, even when you are sure you don’t have any reserves left. I had no idea my true strength until I got through my divorce, and helped my daughter make it through also.
7. I walked away from my marriage, knowing I did everything I could to fix it. I genuinely tried to make it work. I did the very best I could to have a successful marriage. Knowing that I wholeheartedly wanted to make it together, allowed me to walk away with my confidence and self-worth intact. I tried everything, within reason, to make the marriage work, with my daughter’s life and health at the forefront of my mind and actions. I was putting so much energy in trying to fix my marriage, that when it ended, I shifted that power to the health and well being of my child, in light of the unexpected life changes being put upon us. I directed that energy to my self-care and my daughter’s. That feels good. That feels healthy and empowering.
8. I am living a better life. My marriage and subsequent divorce from this person I was only meant to be with for a short time was a stepping stone to the person I am today. Now, I am an active participant in my life and no longer a casual observer. I’m the one in control of my destiny for the first time in a long time. I took the leap to start writing again, which has been a rewarding step. My divorce made me who I am today. It allowed me to stretch and reach for what I really want.
9. In a marriage where your needs are going unmet for so long, it serves as a lesson. The absence of your needs being met is a sure reminder of what needs you do require to be met from your next partner. I didn’t fail at marriage, I gave every part of me to my marriage and my family. I failed myself. I stopped taking care of myself for a long time to take care of him. I allowed this person I was married to become everything, putting friendships and other family members and myself on the back burner. I gave too much of myself to the relationship. I moved cities when he wanted to for his career, and took on most of the child rearing because he needed to make a career of his music. I picked up the brunt of parenthood. My “failed” marriage taught me the meaning of self-care.
10. My divorce — the divorce I didn’t think I wanted — gave me the chance to rediscover the real me. For the first time in years, I feel like I am awake and back on the right path. I have a new sense of confidence I have not felt since before I was married. I can handle life — the good and bad — with renewed strength and confidence, on my own. I can raise a confident, smart daughter by myself with a lot of success. I can teach her life brings difficult challenges to everyone, no one is immune, but how we behave and come out the other side of those challenges is what matters. I can teach her to not struggle against things that don’t “seemingly” go our way and instead be open to life and its unpredictability.

My daughter and I are living in a new city now. We are starting over. I’m in a new relationship with a man who knows who he is and allows me to be who I am. I know my daughter, and we are where we are supposed to be.

That’s a gift, not a failure.

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Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering Type A personality. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.