The Four-Year Expectation

When I was 18 years old, I started my music degree at Memorial University of Newfoundland. It was my first time living away from home, my first time feeling independent, and the first time I had to make adult decisions by myself.

My entire grade school experience, I struggled with anxiety and depression, but I didn't feel as if I could reach out for help. I knew something wasn't right with the way my brain worked, and I knew I needed help, but I felt as if I wasn't in charge of my life while I lived in my parents' house.

Not everything in my family was always great, which is why I felt the need to hide my problems. I won't get into the whole story here in the world wide web, but the only thing that is relevant to this post is that my relationship with my parents was rocky for many years. (It has since much improved.)

When I moved across the province, I finally felt as if I could take my health matters into my own hands.

I saw a doctor who diagnosed me with anxiety with panic attacks and underlying depression. I was prescribed a medication called Paxil, which is an SSRI — a Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor. This is a medication that allows your brain to produce more serotonin: the happy chemical. The first month of taking that medication was awful because all I experienced was side effects! I was warned about this, though, and after that first month, my life was infinitely better. I can't imagine going back to living the way I was before I was treating my mental illnesses.

I haven't just used medication to treat my illnesses, either. I've seen many therapists, psychologists, I've talked with friends, and I've been trying to lead a healthier lifestyle in general.

That being said, treating an illness doesn't make it go away. Mental illnesses take their toll on your life. Not only do they affect you mentally, they hurt your relationships, they hurt your body, and they interrupt the track of your life.

I sometimes wonder if it's something else holding me back. Are you just lazy? Do you really want this? Are you doing the right thing? These are all things that other people will ask you, and then you start asking them to yourself as well. You start questioning if there's something bigger in your way that you're just ignoring. When you sort away all of the anxious thoughts, though, you land on the fact that you want this more than anything. You are bettering yourself by learning, and there is nothing in the world that could make you feel more successful at the end of the day.

In the course of my degree, I've hit many roadblocks. The first two years of my degree were spent learning how to cope with both mental illness and passing my classes, as well as adjusting my body to new medications, and learning how to live on my own. In my third year of university, I saw a psychologist who diagnosed me with ADHD, which explained a lot of issues I was having outside of my anxiety and depression. (I had many issues with concentration, forgetfulness, losing things...) This was a journey in itself, because acquiring an ADHD diagnosis at age 20 is not the norm. Because of all the issues I was working through, I decided in my third year that I would take a smaller amount of classes so I could focus more on a few things, instead of trying to spread myself out too thin.

Taking a smaller course load has made a world of difference. I'm not saying I don't still struggle sometimes to keep on top of things. It's hard to keep up sometimes when you've got so much dragging you back. I feel like some people don't recognize this, though, when they look at me on the outside. When people look at me, they see someone chipper and jolly. No one would ever know that I have all of these vicious monsters raging inside my brain, except for the fact that I talk about them with my friends and loved ones. Being able to pick slowly at my degree's required courses has made things much easier for me. I'm in my fourth year now, and I'll be honest when I say that I still don't have everything figured out. I don't think anyone does at this point. Most of my friends are graduating at the end of this year. A few are not, but I would guess a solid 90 percent of my classmates will receive their degrees this summer.

Every time I meet someone and say I'm in my fourth year of university, I'm faced with the question, "Oh, so you're graduating this year?" The answer is no. I am not graduating after four years of university. A lot of people don't. I can make an extensive list of people who don't get a degree after four years of post-secondary.

What I've come to recognize is that there is this unsaid expectation that when you graduate high schcool, you attend a college or university for a maximum of four years, and POOF! You have a degree. Some college programs don't even take that long! By the time you're 22 years old, people expect that you've got another piece of paper saying you learned some things.

This isn't how it works all the time, though.

There are some people who have a lot to figure out. Between illnesses, families, death, life, finance, and just generally figuring out how to live independently, there is a lot that a person needs to sort out before they can put their full focus on school. I wish I had recognized this when I graduated high school. Had I been able to recognize that I have a lot of stuff going on, I would have been able to sort it all out before I started furthering my education.

Sometimes in the midst of it all, it becomes necessary to take an extra year, or two, or more, before you can give school your best shot. I know that my best bet is to take the time I need to be able to focus properly on each class I take, and there's nothing wrong with that.

There are all of these unsaid expectations for young adults, and it's hard to live up to them all. Everyone is in such a rush to finish everything, but I think it's important sometimes to step on the breaks and go at whatever speed makes you the most comfortable. There are some people who can drive quickly, and that's fine, but there are others who need to take their time and make sure they're going in the right direction. It doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed behind the wheel of a car, it just means they need to go at their own pace.

To everyone reading this: don't rush through everything you have to do. You've got your whole life to get there. Stop and take a break if you need it.