The 7 Hidden Challenge Of Being An Autistic Parent

The world is familiar with and supportive of neurotypical parents who have autistic kids, but there is a loud silence on parents who are on the spectrum. Many autistic people, like myself, have reported a lack of support when becoming a parent, particularly when autistic parents have neurotypical children.

I’ve always wanted to have kids, but I was petrified that parenting would completely take over my life and that I couldn’t cope with the daily challenges of being a mum. It wasn’t until I became pregnant with my first child that I realised that parenting would consistently drive me into sensory overwhelm and leave me little room to recover from burnout. I’ve written about my pregnancy in detail here.

Being a parent is hard, but being an autistic parent (with ADHD) feels like a sensory battle you’ll never conquer. Parenting is the most challenging aspect of my life and demands constant attention and care to another’s needs. I would be lying if I said I didn’t cry in frustration at least once every other day. I’m sure many other neurodivergent parents feel the same about parenting, and here are some of the challenges I experience as a parent on the spectrum.

1. Experiencing sensory overload

My daughter’s actions will trigger my senses daily, and I’m not exaggerating. When she was a newborn, it was triggering to be covered in vomit, milk spit-up, and other bodily fluids all the time. The smells and the feeling of it against my skin frequently drove me into meltdowns. I felt overwhelmed and couldn’t believe my daughter needed me more than my desperate need to be alone. The first few months, I remember feeling distraught that parenting was so overwhelming for me, and because of this, I was a lousy mother. I wasn’t; I was just an undiagnosed autistic mother without support.

As my daughter grew into her voice, she started to screech in my ears; it took everything in my essence not to completely lose my mind when she did. She is either talking, singing, screaming or crying from when she wakes up to when she is asleep. As many autistic people experience noise sensitivity, this is SO triggering.

How I cope with this: Therapy, noise-cancelling headphones (when your child doesn’t keep pulling them off), a supportive partner, and regular alone time help me limit the number of times I lose my cool.

2. Difficulty with mess and chaos

Before I had kids, I liked everything to be a certain way, and everything was organised in a specific manner. OCD and Autism have a high co-morbidity rate of up to 37% or higher, so OCD traits can often present in autistic people.

However, once my toddler started walking, I had no choice but to accept that my home would never be as organised as I wanted. Initially, I became obsessed with putting her toys away every time she left the room, and I did it five-ten times a day.

How I cope with this: I spoke about it in therapy and discovered that this wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism, and it would be better for both my daughter and me to spend less time organising and more time playing with her instead. I had an honest conversation with my partner, describing how much the toys were triggering my mind, and from this, he made an active effort to clean up after her.

3. Lack of personal space and alone time

I wasn’t prepared to lose all aspects of my personal space when I became a mum. When you become a parent, your child lives in your personal space. My daughter sees me as her personal Lego, and it can be a challenging sensory experience

My daughter doesn’t understand why I need to be alone. Even when I do lock myself in my room, I will hear her at the door crying for me or trying everything she can to open the door. Autistic people need time alone to recharge, but this becomes nearly impossible when you have kids.

How I cope with this: Communicating with my husband or other adults around me that I need alone time has helped. I’ve had conversations with my daughter, explaining that mummy needs to rest. Noise-cancelling headphones help a great deal to block out the noise.

4. Social Demands of being a parent

I don’t want to speak to other parents when I take my daughter to daycare. I wish it were socially acceptable to drop my kids off without talking, and it is socially demanding to pick up and take your kids to school or other settings.

I also didn’t anticipate that family members would often call or FaceTime without notice to see my daughter, and this demands spoons as an autistic parent.

How I cope with this: I try and pick my kid up a little earlier to avoid unnecessary conversations, and I’ve learnt not to answer calls if I don’t want to. Therapy has helped me understand and limit these ‘people-pleasing’ tendencies, which can burn me out.

5. Struggling with hygiene

I struggle to brush my daughter’s teeth because I’m autistic; I find brushing someone else’s teeth confusing, and hearing the toothbrush scrape across her teeth is a sensory ick.

How I cope with this: I had an honest conversation with my husband and shared my difficulties so that he can now take responsibility for her hygiene, which takes the pressure off.

6. Experiencing intense Mum- guilt

All parents feel guilty at some point, often because there are many unspoken rules and unrealistic expectations about parenting. It can be toxic, and there isn’t a safe space to be autistic and a parent. Many autistic parents carry shame as it can be challenging to navigate these parenting rules, especially if you’re choosing to parent differently from the majority.

I’ve been told that I am too soft with my kid, but sometimes I don’t want to experience the tantrums that follow the word ‘no’. It always feels like a tricky balance between being a parent and being an autistic person with their own needs.

How I cope with this: Journalling has helped me to reflect on where and why I have internalised shame for making different choices. It’s helped me practice self-compassion, and I routinely remember to provide the same kindness to myself as my daughter.

7. Finding it difficult to accept support

As an autistic person, I have always been hyper-independent. I learnt the hard way as a new (autistic) mum that I could not do everything by myself, and I am grateful to my Indian culture, which theorises that it takes a village to raise children

How I cope with this: I initially struggled with the concept of other people looking after my child or me, but I learnt to accept help to become a healthier mum. I communicate when feeling burnt out or entering a shutdown/meltdown. Sharing my needs has helped my partner and family plan for times when I need to be alone to rest.

As challenging as it is, I genuinely believe I’m a good mother who tries her best. Being autistic allows me to see the importance and value of loving my child unconditionally. As I’m autistic, I can be childlike with my kid and be silly with her without caring what other people think. I don’t care for societal norms and pressure, so my child grows up in an environment that encourages her to be loud, fierce and, most importantly, herself. Being autistic allows me to understand her and be incredibly attentive to every detail about her to anticipate her needs.

Autistic parents need more recognition, credit and support above all. The lack of support is shocking; many struggle almost daily with nowhere to turn. This article raises some awareness that we do exist, and although we have our challenges, we have the potential to be amazing parents with the proper support.

I hope you found this helpful; if you did, leave me a clap! Is there anything you’d add? I would love to read your comments.