Regrets On My Choices

I am a freshly graduate general physician in an Asia country. While other people might think of how proud myself and my family is, the truth is far from that. I don't deny how proud my parents must have had felt. It just.. I don't think I am. You would probably wonder "how could you don't feel such emotion?". Unfortunately, I just don't (or I hope so) feel it yet. On the contrary, I feel this empty and confusing emotion, because for the first time in my life I was finally honest with myself and I think I just don't want to be a physician.

If you were going to ask whether I had just realized it recently or from a long time ago, I am afraid I can't give you the answer. Perhaps this empty feeling started to creep me out since the second year of medical school (the time when I broke up with my long time boyfriend), the third year of medical school (when I started to join an extracurricular club and realized how bad I am at managing team-related task and being social on a basic level), during my residency program (times when I know how bad I am based on comments from the mentor and yet I always still managed to pass the exams), or now (the moment I realized that in 6 months I will work as a legit general physician and do it for the rest of my life). None of those times could make any sense for me to justify the feelings that I have now. I don't even know if this fiery passion feeling towards my own choice of career path has lost or it just never been there from the beginning.

Being quarantined just make this feeling worse and the thoughts keep reappearing. I can't shut down my train of thoughts and decided to write it here so perhaps I can see the red line if there was one.

If you were going to ask whether I had just realize it recently or from a long time ago, I am afraid I can't give you the answer. Perhaps this empty feeling started to creep me out since the second year of medical school (the time when I broke up with my long time boyfriend), the third year of medical school (when I started join extracurricular club and realized how bad I am at managing team-related task and being social on basic level), during my residency program (times when I know how shit I am based on comments from the mentor and yet I always still managed to pass the exams), or now (the moment I realized that in 6 months I will work as a legit general physician and do it for the rest of my life). None of those times could make any sense for me to justify the feelings that I have now. I don't even know if this fiery passion feeling towards my own choice of career path has lost or it just never been there from the beginning.

So, where did it all go wrong?. When I took the wrong turn?. Was I just being denial for the whole time?. How come there were no signs?. Or it was just me being so oblivious to the signs?. Looking back far from now, I always am that individual who chooses based on what is on my heart rather than on my head. Now I remember that when I was a kid I spent most of my holiday being treated in hospital for some tropical infectious disease. Years of experience made me familiar to hospital and medical staffs. I do, even, love hospital's wards smell!. Always waiting for my interaction with nurses and doctors because needle and syringe don't frighten me anymore. Perhaps, that is the reason that 'the little me' took to rationalize this particular career path option. Bizzare it was, but true it is. I know that I have all the requirement to get into medical school. My score was pretty good in high school, I was quite active and got some achievement for myself and my school. All I can say is, I had the gut!. So I made my mind to become a doctor. I was so sure of it. Nothing and no one would have ever changed my mind. But, why not know?.

Regarding the signs. Or sign. I suddenly remember this memory in another night. I don't know why it just came out of nowhere but I guess it just never made sense for me before but it does make sense now. During my senior year in high school, my friends and I took an aptitude test that is provided by my school. Basically, this test should give us a picture of which faculty that you probably should choose based on our answers to their question and problems. I just remember how excited and relieved I was to find out that my result says that it would be best if I choose Medical Faculty. I keep returning to the result paper just to relive the excitement that I had from knowing the answer is. I thought "That is it! I think I meant to be a doctor. Even the test says so". So naïve. The thing is, days after the result came out one of my teacher (math teacher) started to call a few of the senior year students, including me. When we finally met, he asked me whether I was going to choose my faculty based on the result of the test. I confidently said yes. Big yes! But when I said it, he just didn't seem excited, no changes on his face. From his gesture and facial expression, I knew something wasn't right. Deep down I know he just didn't think I am compatible for such a career. And he said the same things. Firstly, he asked was I sure about my choice. Then, asked me if I purposely made my test's answer fit enough to receive my then results because he knew that I want to choose medical faculty. To be honest I was mad at that time. I was mad and sad and confused. I don't think I listened to what he was saying after that because I can't remember anything after that question being proposed to me.

So, was it the sign?. Did he see something in me or not in me that makes me not suitable enough for my choice?. When these thoughts came into my mind I just can't hold on my tears anymore. The thought of I took the wrong way, lived the wrong life just so daunting for me. Anyone can rant about how they live the life that they didn't want, life they didn't choose. But... I chose my own life. I was the decision-maker. So how I feel now, it's all on me.

I didn't mean for this writing to have a positive and up-lifting conclusion in the end. I just hope when people, especially teenage, read it they know exactly what are lies ahead of them. I hope they know that how sure you were doesn't guarantee you the life that you want. I hope they know the consequences. I hope they know themselves better than me, so they can consider things better than me. While for me?. I guess I just have to keep up with this 'adulting' process. I have to move on my with my life and start to face my responsibilities even with my faint heart. I don't know how my life would turn out to be but let just keep this in one of the chapters of my life.