Parenting 🚸 Learning to repair

Start writing...Alright, quick check -- who here has someone important in their life? Great, just confirming. While I’ll focus on parent-child relationships, everything applies to any meaningful relationship. Let’s dive in.

It's Sunday night. I’m tired, haven’t slept well, stressed about the week ahead, and my to-do list is overwhelming. My son comes in, sees the table, and complains, "Chicken again? Disgusting." I lose it and yell, "Can't you be grateful?" He screams, "I hate you," and slams his door. Then comes the guilt. I think, "What’s wrong with me? I’ve ruined my kid." As a clinical psychologist, this is especially tough. But no parent is perfect. Mistakes happen, but we’re often unsure of what to do next. Do we ignore it, or address it?

I've seen many parents struggle with this, both in my practice and through my parenting platform "Good Inside." All parents yell and then wonder what to do. My advice? Get good at repair. Repairing means acknowledging your mistakes and their impact on others. Unlike an apology that tries to end the conversation, a good repair opens it up.

Repair starts with admitting you messed up. Next time I snap, I remind myself I’m learning to repair. First step: rupture. "Nailed it." Next step: repair. "I can do this." So, my son is alone and upset. If I don’t repair, he might blame himself, thinking, "Something’s wrong with me." This self-blame can lead to anxiety and depression in adulthood.

Repair isn’t about being perfect. It’s about changing the story from self-blame to safety and connection. When we repair, we help rewrite painful memories into healthier ones.

Step one: repair with yourself. Separate who you are from what you did. For example, "I’m a good parent who had a hard moment." This doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it grounds me for change.

Step two: repair with your child. Name what happened, take responsibility, and state what you’ll do differently. Like, "I’m sorry I yelled. That must have been scary. It wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm." This short conversation can replace self-blame with trust and safety.

Avoid "not repair" statements that blame the child, like, "Sorry, but you made me mad." These fail to reconnect and model poor emotion regulation.

Good repair teaches children valuable skills, like expressing disappointment respectfully. It’s never too late to repair, no matter the child’s age. Imagine getting a call from your parent acknowledging past mistakes and offering to listen. It might not change everything, but it would help. Your child's story is still being written, and your repairs can make a huge difference.

But what happens if we don’t repair? Well, my son might turn to self-blame, thinking, "I’m unlovable. I make bad things happen." This coping mechanism, while protective in childhood, can lead to issues like depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness in adulthood. Repairing allows us to rewrite this narrative, providing our children with a sense of safety, connection, and love.

Here’s how to repair effectively:

1. **Repair with yourself**: Separate your identity from your actions. Remind yourself that you’re a good parent who had a hard moment. This groundedness helps you move forward constructively.

2. **Repair with your child**: Address the situation honestly. Acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, and explain what you’ll do differently. This helps your child feel seen and valued, turning a negative event into a learning experience.

For example, you might say, "I’m sorry I yelled. That must have been scary. It wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm." This approach shifts the narrative from self-blame to trust and safety.

Avoid statements that blame the child, like, "Sorry, but you made me mad." These don’t foster connection and instead model poor emotional regulation.

Effective repair also teaches children valuable skills. For instance, you can guide them to express their disappointment in a respectful way. Instead of saying, "That’s disgusting," they could say, "Not my favorite." This not only improves their communication but also strengthens your relationship.

Remember, it’s never too late to repair. Imagine getting a call from your parent acknowledging past mistakes and offering to listen. It might not change everything, but it would help. Your child's story is still being written, and your repairs can make a huge difference.

Thank you.