I have had hollow heart disease for several years

If you look at the words I wrote, there is a great weakness in them: I feel pain, but I am powerless to solve my current predicament. But is there a possibility that you have been deceived by me, and I exaggerated my negative feelings between words.

If anyone were to peek into my life, they would find it extremely quiet. The room I lived in was small, probably less than ten square meters, and the desk was next to the bed, and I could lie down by turning over from the chair.

Most of the time, I don't go out, I buy myself a bunch of kitchen toys, charcoal stoves, moka pots and sandwich makers, which I enjoy tinkering with and making snacks. When I'm in a good mood, I go to the living room to do sports. Another thing I particularly like is grooming kittens. Between the quiet daily surface of these years and the inner feeling that "life has no meaning", I myself will be confused.

When I was riddled with problems, I once thought that the suffering I faced was unsolvable and a difficulty that could never be overcome, because too many wise people have said that the world is a void, and there is no answer to meaning. At this point, I would think almost desperately, maybe this is the fate I have to accept, to live heavy and tired, to live with a negative posture of "not knowing how to live".

But at other times, the problem that haunted me disappeared. When you stay with the cat, this problem disappears. I think I overlooked one of the most crucial facts, a happy, personable person who feels his presence doesn't often talk about "finding meaning in life." Even if many people don't have great goals in life, they don't feel as uncomfortable as I do. The lack of values is not the cause of hollow heart disease, it is a symptom of hollow heart disease, and it is also its consequence. In other words, I chose hollow heart disease and chose to ask difficult questions like "what is the meaning of life?"

I studied psychology for a year, and to be honest, most of the knowledge has been forgotten, but I vaguely left two impressions, one is that people often think that their understanding is reliable, but in fact they are fragile; Second, people are animals after all, with immoral biology, but often because they are not conscious, they cannot be controlled.

Depression can also be understood as a strategy, and I once read an article written by a psychoanalyst in which it was mentioned that women who contracted depression may try to steal the attention lost because of their babies through depression. It manifests itself both as a symptom and from a certain instinct for self-preservation.

This statement sounds a little scary at first, but if you understand that postpartum depressed women are students who are depressed due to too much study pressure, everything is easy to accept. Depression is a means of rebelling against their current life, even if it may cause greater suffering. In a way, I also desperately believe that I "choose" hollow heart disease, in part because hollow heart disease plays an important role in me.

The problem posed by hollow heart disease is an abstract, philosophical pain of life, and throwing into this great suffering may cover up or escape other frightening things. Based on the fact that hollow heart disease often occurs in college students, I guess from my personal experience that most people with hollow heart disease do not like competition, not only defeat will bring actual losses, but also competition success will bring sacrifice.

It is conceivable that in the current educational environment, students admitted to Peking University often experience more fierce competition, and they must also become the winners in the competition in order to achieve their current achievements.

Modern society is a society based on individual competition, and although the power, prestige and wealth that competition brings can enhance security, not everyone aspires to compete for success. Competition brings tension between people, and I often think that if someone is afraid of competing for success, it is not because he does not aspire to achievement, but because he is more afraid of not being liked - after all, you can't trample someone under your feet and at the same time desire him to love you.

For physically and mentally healthy people, the contradiction between competition and being liked may exist, but it will not be a hindrance to their normal life. In the minds of neurotics, such conflicts are too intense to reconcile. Therefore, they choose to jump into a huge sense of meaninglessness, paralyzing the pain of reality. As an equally weak, hollow "suspected neurotic", it was really difficult for me to give constructive advice. The real advice, there are also many people who have said. But I think people who suffer will always change first. In the process of contact with psychology, I constantly had the idea that although neurosis is included in the category of medicine to be corrected, just as the phenomenon of hollow heart disease suggests the destruction of the vitality of life by the competition of modern society, in a broader dimension, the emergence of neurosis foreshadows the realm that the human heart wants to liberate, and neurotic people are rebelling in their own way.

I can't say anything very good, but I want to end with Camus's words about Sisyphus: "His destiny belongs to him." That boulder of his is his business. ”