I have had hollow heart disease for several years

I felt that there was some kind of disorder in my brain and body, that what had been condensing me in the past had disappeared, and my will became a puddle of water, flowing around on the ground. Whenever I ruminate, I come to a similar conclusion, which is that I seem to lack a basic life force in my body. Are you looking forward to doing this? I asked myself, I answered quietly in my heart, not expecting. But what's worth doing? Where is your goal, the so-called worthwhile pursuit? I was at a loss.

Sometimes, Freud would give me a little comfort. He is accustomed to explaining everything with human biological drive, he said, the development of civilization is based on the suppression of biological drive, the higher the degree of civilization of society, the greater the repression, the more neuroses, which is the price that human beings have to pay for civilization.

Freud's explanation of neurosis made me feel "normal", that people feel bound by the rules and regulations of modern society, and that only instincts work. But if it is said that people's instinct is to chase good things and pursue a kind of self-satisfaction, I find that I do not have the idea of "working for a better life".

I think of some depressed people, and the puzzling thing about depression is that the patient's internal drive seems to be "broken", and what they do usually leads the self to a more unhappy situation than a happier situation.

I realized that I also seemed to have this tendency through a conversation with a friend. Friends said that she used to go to her relative's factory to help work, and saw that the workers on the assembly line were very hard, engaged in alienated labor day after day. I quickly asked how you felt about this. She said she didn't want to be like them. She felt very differently than mine. My heart shook, but I answered honestly: I think the world is terrible, knowing that someone can only live like this for a living. I am often upset by the luck that fate has given me. At the beginning of 2020, shortly after the outbreak of new crown pneumonia in the country, I saw the news on the Internet every day and would cry like stress, why was it not me who was sick? I think this way, why am I able to perch in a corner safely and healthily compared to the suffering people, and how can I be worthy? If someone says "how do I deserve" in front of me, the self-deprecating temperament behind it will probably make me frown, which is a very harmful idea psychologically. Even so, I must admit, I often think so. The sense of nothingness lingered in my heart, but I didn't want to save myself; Seeing my "paralyzed" body, I went around the world looking for some panacea that would allow me to "take two steps". I even went to see what the youngest and richest ladies in the world were doing, hoping to find something that I envy and that sparked my desires. However, when I saw first class, champagne, luxury bags, and yacht parties on social media, I was disappointed;

On the phone, my parents kept persuading me to take the public examination, and they listed all kinds of benefits, such as decent salary, high pension, and many benefits, and then put on the doubt that I couldn't understand that the job of a civil servant was so good, why I didn't do what they said. I was usually silent, and the feeling of "not knowing how to explain it" enveloped me again. "None of what you say will appeal to me," and it's hard for me to say things like that. I expected that I would soon be asked: So what appeals to you?

In the face of hollow heart disease, Kevin Xu has a classic explanation. He believes that the general lack of a sense of value is not a biological and psychological problem, but a social and educational level, and that utilitarian education neglects the cultivation of people's hearts.

Indeed, I grew up a good kid who behaved unruly and didn't have to worry about my parents studying (because I would do all my holiday homework in one night). But I'm not sure if that's my nature, except that I started anxiety at a very young age, and it was anxiety that made me behave.

Anxiety is a reaction to imaginary danger, and as a child, every time my parents' cell phone rang, I nervously began to worry about whether the school teacher was calling to complain, even if I didn't do anything bad.

Looking back on this incident, I also feel strange now. Because my parents didn't teach me harshly, and the family atmosphere wasn't cold, but I did have a long-term concern that I had screwed up something, even though I didn't know what the outcome would be, but I was afraid of that outcome. Like many East Asians, what drove me for the first half of my life was fear: fear of failing exams, fear of not getting into a good university, fear of not being able to graduate, fear of not finding a job.

To sum up, these fears seem to be the fear of failure, but man, as a social animal, is ultimately the fear of being insulted by others. Some people use the term "false autologous" to explain the cause of hollow heart disease. The concept of false self comes from the British psychoanalyst Winnicott, who theorized that a safe, need-met environment can cultivate a stable sense of self during infancy. However, not all mothers respond well to the needs of their babies, and it is undoubtedly a trauma for babies who can only rely on their mothers. In order to defend against trauma, babies can only create false self to hide their true needs in order to adapt to their mother's relationship. The false self has a certain similarity to Freud's "superego", and they both have the function of "suppressing instincts". But in Freud's vision, the "superego" is universal, and the false self is born from a poor mother-infant relationship. People with false selves often become good students or even successful people according to their parents' expectations, but deep down they are not happy about what they have achieved. This statement may explain why hollow heart disease was first proposed in Peking University. Out of rigor, I can't say that it is a false individual in me that consumes a lot of psychological efficacy. But I did realize that there was such a thick wall between my true self and the outside world that I hardly felt any joy when I heard some praise. Although I don't feel uncomfortable, I find it difficult to feel a real sense of identification with what the other person is saying, "Is that so" and "I don't know I'm doing well" are the most common feelings I feel when faced with praise. Everything seemed to come back to that question, and I couldn't find the purpose and meaning of life that I agreed with.