How not to take things personal

Hello everyone. I hope we can all agree on fair play, mutual respect, and positivity on the field. Does that sound good to everyone? Great. Good luck!

A year ago, I decided to become a football referee—not for the money, though. I only earn 20 euros per match, so it's not going to make me rich. My reasons for becoming a referee are twofold: first, to stay in good shape, and second, to learn how not to take things personally.

You might be thinking, "Being a referee is a perfect way to learn not to take things personally," right? After all, spectators rarely shout positive things. They usually shout things like, "Come on, come on." As a referee, I'm often seen as the scapegoat, blamed for everything, which is exactly why I wanted to learn not to take things personally.

I struggle with this a lot. For example, when I’m driving slowly to find a location and someone is tailgating, honking, and flashing their lights, I feel personally attacked. I know I shouldn't, but it happens. Similarly, if someone cancels an appointment last minute, I feel like I'm not valued.

Even in my professional life as a public speaker, if I see someone not paying attention, like looking at their phone, I take it personally. But tonight, feel free to use your phones and chat with your neighbors. I won’t take it personally because I’m aware of it and have a strategy to handle it. I’d like to share that strategy with you. Are you interested?

Imagine inviting a friend to a movie, only for her to say she’s working, yet you see photos of her out with friends. Or think about working hard on a project, only to receive criticism. You come home wanting to share your experience, but the listener walks away to watch TV. It’s easy to take these things personally.

So, why do we take things personally? Someone says or does something, and we feel hurt, neglected, or betrayed, believing it’s their fault. But who says this? It’s our ego. Our ego wants acknowledgment and doesn’t want to be criticized. It wants to be right.

But is being right worth the struggle? When our ego is in control, we’re in constant conflict with the world, which drains our energy. Wouldn't it be easier to avoid taking things personally? Then no one has power over us, and we experience more harmony and connection with others.

So, do you want to be right or happy? Some might think they can achieve happiness by being right. But how do you find happiness without taking things personally?

Imagine you’re at the start of a crucial match in your life, where you’ll learn not to take things personally. Like a referee, I have a coin with two sides: heads or tails, representing two strategies for not taking things personally.

Good evening, sir. As the team captain, you can choose heads or tails. ("Captain") Heads. Great. It’s heads!

The first strategy is: “It’s not about me.” When I take things personally, I believe it’s all about me. If someone looks at their phone during my presentation, I might feel disrespected. But what if I consider their perspective? Maybe they’re dealing with an important message, or the topic isn’t interesting to them. By focusing on their intention rather than taking it personally, I can understand rather than be irritated.

For instance, when your child throws a tantrum and says, "I hate you," it’s not personal. They just want to stay up longer. Similarly, if a driver is tailgating, they might be in a hurry. It’s not about me.

However, it’s challenging because our brains generate around 50,000 thoughts daily, and only 10,000 are positive. This means a large portion of our thoughts are negative. When colleagues laugh and glance at you, it’s easy to think they’re laughing at you. But it requires effort to remember they might be laughing about something unrelated to you.

Training our brains to see positive intentions requires discipline. That’s why I became a referee: to train my brain not to take things personally. I prepare mentally as well as physically for matches, reminding myself not to take criticisms personally.

But sometimes, criticism still hurts deeply, and it might be a reflection of personal insecurities. If I know the criticism is not about me but still feel hurt, it may reveal something about my own insecurities or unresolved issues.

When someone criticizes us and it hits a nerve, it might touch on an old wound. It’s a chance to offer ourselves empathy. If someone cancels an appointment or criticizes you, and it hurts, it might be because we’re longing for recognition or validation.

You can also speak up about how you feel. For example, if someone walks away while you’re speaking, let them know how it affects you. Being open and vulnerable increases the chance of being understood.

To summarize:

It’s not about me: Look at the other person’s intention.

It is about me: Offer yourself empathy and speak up.

I hope you’ll apply these strategies and see how they improve your relationships. Imagine a world where everyone practices this—it could lead to a more harmonious world. And as a referee, I even get paid for this learning process! Who wouldn’t appreciate an extra 20 euros?

Even if people criticize or attack you, remember that your value remains intact. Thank you!