Failed by the Education System

I was born in a middle class situation in the United States of America. My Family was and is intact, I grew up with both of my parents and made my way through High School. I had spent the first several years of my education going through the motions, and I found myself doing well in school, pulling A's and B's, passing my tests with ease and sinking very little time into any productive activities. I was a very lazy kid, who grew up in an environment that did not encourage a lot of activity. After I graduated High School...I stopped and looked around me for the first time in 12 years with fresh eyes. The concept was dawning on me that I was free from the grueling 6:30-3:30 schedule I had been enduring since my adolescence. Now was the time, I asked myself some crucial questions about where I was wanting to go with my life. Because up until the end of High School, everything had been planned out for me. I knew I was expected to wake up, at the crack of ass, drag myself out of bed, sit in school 6+ hours, pass my tests, do my homework, go to sleep and do it all again the next day. This had never been something that was optional to me, it was required by my family and by the State of Massachusetts. I was happy for it in some ways, to get out and see my friends. But I was unmotivated by the teaching styles of my teachers and the standardization of the institution. I am generally a curious, and compassionate person and I love to learn about new topics and study them in depth. However, the kind of attention I was getting from the school system fell flat on me. I did not feel like I was being given the merit I deserved, and I did not feel like I was learning things that were of value to me. So what happened was, I left high school and I was depressed. By senior year, I had made a habit of skipping my classes, slacking on my homework and consistently getting detention. I hated my classes, they were grueling, and boring and I felt stifled so much of the time, I could not share my takes freely, even when I had a passionate response. I didn't know what could help me, I was in a pit and I was isolating myself from my friends, occasionally I would seek counseling from the school aid, which was infrequent but proved to help some...but I started lacking passion in even the things I enjoyed. Art got thrown to the wayside. I struggled my way through and eventually graduated, barely, and my emotional state was in shreds. I felt wholeheartedly like I was not willing to conform to their system of teaching, standardized testing, long hours of classes after classes, with no outdoor time, I felt worn out. My mental illness was the cherry on top of the cake. I don't particularly think this is a unique experience unfortunately, so many people find themselves in the same situation, but that makes it all the more important for us to start doing better.

I did not know that I wanted to spend lots of money going to an institution where I wasn't sure what I would study or what I wanted a career in. Initially I thought art, because that had always been a long term passion of mine since I was a child. But the thought of painting and drawing to pass classes I was shelling out 12+ grand for stressed me out, I thought it would kill my passion and leave me feeling empty and distressed. There was pressure from my school, my guidance counselors, my parents, everyone was talking about what college they were going to go to, and the announcements started rolling out on facebook. Meanwhile, I didn't know where to start, or have the means to travel and look at colleges. Nobody was telling me it would be okay if I didn't go to school. I had no money of my own, no car, and no idea of what laid ahead. I decided to take a gap year. I got a full time job in my town locally and made a lot of money. And then...I spent it all on a trip out of the country. My first out of country trip. Planned and paid for entirely by me. I felt so proud and excited, but there went all of my plans. Still no car, still no place of my own and still no idea what to do, but oh well. We had a blast and I got a dose of the world that I had been craving for forever. It was what I needed. It cemented the idea of the present moment in my head that had not been there for a while, grilling away at work and then grilling away at a full time job...it felt amazing to finally do something that was entirely for me, something that I enjoyed. On this trip I tried so many new things and had so many experiences that I relish to this day. I went out on a private boat, and scuba dived in the open ocean for the first time ever in Jamaica. Dove to 60 ft underwater, through a cave and saw fish swimming upside down along the ceiling of it, I held a sea cucumber, and for the first time dove with my boyfriend who was excited to have a new certified dive buddy. I got a reiki foot massage from a local on the beach who also sold me a fresh mango, we ate and talked as I lounged on the beach. We sat by a bonfire and made new friends, we danced and giggled in the sand. We even went cliff jumping and I jumped off of a 40ft high cliff. My soul was reaching amazing heights. I was enthralled with my new surroundings and all of the amazing things we were doing. The money I earned working all of those hours were a tool to get me to this amazing exotic paradise, I couldn't believe how beautifully everything manifested for me. Of course when I came back I was on square one again, and proceeded to work and save. But despite being at "square one" my soul felt energized, I was alive with experience. It did not matter that I was poor, and falling behind. I thought "I have found the thing I love" experiencing new beautiful surroundings, pushing myself to new limits, learning and expanding my mind.

There have been many moments where I have regretted or resented my time spent after high school, proceeding to follow the wide open road. I have felt some anxiety looking at my friends going through school, making new friends, and graduating as of this year. But I consciously remind myself in these times that I am not behind the curve, I am creating my own way, I am living by my own means. I am working, learning and expanding myself everyday and taking the opportunities I can to travel and live viciously. I have been pursuing knowledge on a personal level, meditating, reading books, taking online courses, going to museums and feeling enriched by the content that I am absorbing, I am meeting new and interesting people from all of these different places who inspire me, I am creating on my own terms at my own pace. I am not part of the rat race. I have every intention to live deliberately and on my own terms. For me, after all this time, I know that what I really want to do is create, and connect with people and help whatever way possible to better my community. I am cultivating the confidence, and knowledge that I can use as tools for this. I am happier now knowing I am not rushed, I can take my own time and go to university whenever if I feel fit. There is no destination and no rush to get there, as long as you are willing to remove yourself from the rat race and focus on the aspects of life that work for you right now, you can isolate yourself from the noise of your family, your peers, or the pressure of social media or societal norms and pretend you are in a bubble. That bubble is your home and the place where you can feel free to create whatever reality you desire. Remember that this life is yours, you live only once, and if that is true, instead of striving, perhaps you can pick the moment of happiness, and perhaps that moment can be right now.