College Drinking from a Sober Point of View

Okay, yes, you do you. Drink (responsibly) if you want to. But here are my observations on what it's like to be the sober person in the room LITERALLY EVERY TIME PEOPLE DRINK.

1. Someone's going to do something capital-S stupid.

Someone's going to text someone they shouldn't. Someone's going to sloppily admit something they didn't mean to. Someone's going to get injured, not notice, and try to play it off.

As long as no one gets (seriously) hurt, it's pretty entertaining.

2. Personalities are amplified (and that's either hilarious or ridiculously uncomfortable).

Your loud friend will suddenly be screaming. Your quiet friend will say more than you bargained for. Someone's going to suddenly have opinions they want to share about everything going on in politics and pop culture— and you'll be surprised at how right they are.

Of course, someone's also going to be too loud. Someone's going to be too uncoordinated, or say things no one wants to hear, because everyone's drunk and probably won't remember that one thing then next day—except you, because you're super sober and horrified that that just came out of that person's mouth.

3. Someone's going to want food.

Pizza's a popular choice. So are burgers. And oddly enough, they will go out to get said food even though they are both obviously tipsy and underaged. Not judging—no, seriously, I'm not—but how are you NOT terrified of getting caught? That's just the goodie-two-shoes in me, I suppose.

4. Everyone's having fun (as long as everyone's playfully drunk) (except you because you're drinking Coca-Cola).

I never thought drinking would be all that fun, but hanging around what I call "playfully drunk" people is like hanging out with people who have been awake too long: filters go out the window and everything becomes funny.

5. No one's going to care that you're not drinking.

Not once has someone even asked why I don't drink. I'm offered a drink, I hold up my bottle of coke (always bring your own, especially if you don't know the host, because the bottle they have for mixing can get spiked or [especially at a larger party] drugged), and that's literally the end of the conversation.

If your friends are cool like mine, they'll make a tray of non-alcoholic jello shots at their Halloween party for you. Otherwise, bring your own for safety and all's well.

6. Parties are actually fun (depending on the type).

Parties where people go to get drunk or meet people are not my cup of tea. Everyone's tipsy so they stand too close and talk too loud, and no one you meet there will remember your name if they see you on campus the next week (at least, no one has yet).

Parties that are basically a group of friends hanging out, listening to music, playing games, and most people just happen to be drinking—now THAT'S a fun party for me. I know everyone there so I feel safe, I know how the dynamic works so I'm not anxious, and I know it won't be so loud I might lose some hearing.

7. Being sober isn't the drag people say it is.

As long as it's the kind of party I like and it's people I know, I find being the Perpetually Sober Friend isn't actually that bad. Everything's still funny and no one pressures me into drinking.

*If anyone pressures you to drink, they're stupid and you should never do anything you don't want to. If you do drink, drink responsibly and I strongly encourage you to not break the law. If you believe you or someone you know might have a drinking problem, there is no shame in needing help—please talk to a professional.