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10 Tips to Help You Fail University

Follow these helpful tips to ensure you waste thousands of dollars in the most efficient way possible!

By Justin TavaresPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
This photo shows what happens when people try to do well in school. Doesn't that look horrible?

People often talk about how to be great at various different things, but rarely does one come across an article talking about how to fail at something. Until now. You, dear reader, are about to be taught how to fail at something, possibly for the first time in your life. You're welcome.

1) Instead of taking notes during lectures, try watching Facebook videos or the newest season of 'Narcos' on Netflix.

This is guaranteed to distract not only you, but those around you. Bonus points to you!

2) Be sure to never introduce yourself to your professors or classmates.

By doing this, you remain a faceless, nameless student number with nobody familiar to reach out to when you may be in a jam.

3) Never, EVER check your student email or your school's various online services.

If you do, you might see something you would have been better off not knowing about. Who needs to know deadlines or exam schedules anyway?

4) Do not, under any circumstances, venture into the void that is the campus bookstore.

That is where useful, often required textbooks are found, which are completely useless to a professional procrastinator such as yourself. Wait until mid-semester when all the books are sold out before you try finding anything you may need.

5) Always sit at the far back of the room your lecture is being held in.

This will ensure you have no chance of being remembered by your professors, and will help you go unnoticed should you decide to take a nap. You'll also have trouble seeing the slides and hearing your professor, which is fine since if you really wanted to fail you probably didn't take any writing material with you in the first place.

6) If you truly want to fail, never use a campus map, ask for directions, or show up to campus early enough to find where you're going.

Instead, start looking for room "CPHY60429 C" fifteen minutes before class. That way, when you get there and poke your head in to see a packed auditorium, you can turn right around and go home for quality nap time.

7) If for some odd reason you attend your lecture, never ask questions.

The only people that ask questions are people who want points clarified in order to succeed, which you really don't want to do.

8) Be sure to sleep in late and never eat breakfast.

Starting off your day early and with a productive start is what winners do. Don't be a winner. Stay in your bed until the time comes when you're supposed to leave for class, and then decide whether it's worth it to get up or not. If you want to be the best failure you can be, chose the latter.

9) Never attend your tutorials.

That's where people go to get their grades, ask Teaching Assistants questions, and have discussions in groups of 20 rather than 400. To fail University treat tutorials as optional, which will ensure you have no idea what's going on throughout the year. Perfect for a prospective failure such as yourself!

10) If you are not paying for your tuition it really doesn't matter what you do!

You are one of the lucky ones that get a free pass, so make sure you use it to the best of your ability by following the 9 steps above. Take advantage of your financial freedom and realize you don't have to go to class, apply yourself, put in effort, or any of those mundane things that responsible students do. Doesn't failing sound awesome?! If you do attend class, be sure to rub it in people's noses that your parents "just wanted you to do something more than high school."

There you have it! This has probably been your first time learning how to fail at something, so don't worry—it gets easier with practice!


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