The key

Captains log: Star date… I can’t remember

I can’t remember the date? %^*# “We’re in trouble.” I think to myself. I maintain my composure around the crew. Smiling and greeting them as I would normally. “Pull it together Hayden, girl-wash your face!” My thoughts continue. I take long deep breathes as I walk. Centering myself.

I reach the bridge and walk directly to my second in command. I wait for him to speak first. He looks at me and raises an eyebrow. Noticing. Yea so?! I will be heard first, usually! I do value input of others, I just get excited. Today, however, I just feel lost. A deep painful ache in the heart chakra radiates. Made worse by panic because I have zero idea what is going on. Chaos proceeds to give me the rundown of the day. I sigh, half listening. The key is probably in this report. I should be listening to him. My attention fades in and out. I catch words and phrases of what he is saying. I am just so overwhelmed by this sadness I turn and walk out.

Back in my quarters I can just stare out at the beautiful star filled galaxy. I hear the door open and close and then he hugs me. My protector. It’s so safe there. I momentarily forget it all. It does not last…

The wormhole opens and sucks me through. I am back on Earth. What!!?! Wha, how, I don’t understand. Earth was destroyed milenia ago. I feel a sense of pure joy to be back on my home planet but it’s overrode by the confusion. I look around. He should be here. I sigh. I gently walk on the surface, testing the gravity. The cool pavement and grass. Of course I am barefoot! I laugh. I run through the sprinklers. I just can’t resist. I feel like a child back on my beautiful Mother Earth. The deep pain in my chest again and the tears stream down my face. Now anger. If anyone is watching me, I am sure I look % certifiable. Me vida loca! Yes the hospital “That might be a good place to start.” I say out loud.

I go to the gas station on the corner. I’ll get some resources. I am patiently standing in line, trying to act normal. I do feel self conscious in my weird earth cloths and tear streamed red face. A man walks past me, double takes. He stops and asks me “What’s wrong?” I look around, wondering why he’s talking to me. “I don’t know.” I stammer. “Mike..?” He responds “Yes?”

The confusion runs deep. Deeper. I don’t even remember what I was saying. We walk outside. This stranger tells me he was a “paranormal bodyguard,” Uummm…? Ok. I know those two words separately. Together, I don’t understand. “I just bought a tarot deck.” I blurt out. Thinking that’s what I am supposed to say. “What is a tarot deck though?” I think.

The before Hayden slipping away… Before? Past? The context slipping away.

Deeper and deeper I sink into this confusion.

I don’t want this man to know where I live but I feel as if he knows me. Maybe I can glean some information from him. I tell him meet me back here in 20 minutes. I instinctively go home. Well, my mothers home. Not my home.

Dammit! How did U.S.A. not see the Trojan Horse fake AF Statue of Liberty coming. Those stupid COVID whistles. Now, now Dani this is not the time. “Dani?”

I just wish we had all come together in time to save the Earth. It’s July I know that. No-June, almost the 4th of July. Sorry-not-sorry. I love Utah’s cool summer nights. The mountains are literally in my backyard. The beautiful sunsets and the cool mountain breeze. The smell of wet pavement from the sprinklers. The star filled night. I love this country. My grandpa served, my uncle served. My husband should have. Thank you for your service!

Sadness. Deep overwhelming grief. Crushing like quicksand. I can not move.

Why?

“Dani? Who is Dani.” I think. “Me I know, but there is something I am not remembering.” I look out the window, Tarot deck in hand. Mike does not come. “Good, I think but WHY?”

I go upstairs lay in bed. Exhausted. But my mind will not shut TF up. Dr. Sleep!

I wake up the next day. I must solve this mystery. I get a little ping notification from my Facebook Messenger©. Ugh, I groan. I know this FB messenger to be No Bueno. I pick it up though, maybe there is a clue.

Mychal says “My condolences.” Another stranger named Mike? What is with you Mikes?! I look down in my hand-Mikes Hard Mango©. I flip the universe off. But the drink is pretty good.

I say something very offensive to this new Mychal. Hoping he will go away as well. Then remembering my manners. I say, “Thank you for the condolences.”

Thankfully he does not go away because I value his friendship.

Later in the day, no, this was yesterday, (sigh) My Mother (your highness) was complaining about a dog cage. Dog jail. I cry again. Oh Harley, my pretty golden Labrador. She was sooo pretty. Shit!! This is ALL BAD. I look over and see her paw cast. This only makes the grief so much worse. I literally can not.

Mychal mentions his new puppy. Bringing my attention back to the present. “Marley.” he says. “YEA RIGHT! Let’s see this Marley.” I respond.

The next day. (Fo real) “Why am I talking like that?” I think. Regression? I get another message from Mychal. He sends a picture of probably the 3rd cutest puppy I have seen. What? Just go with it Dani. I keep hearing. Harder if you fight it. And I have noticed this to be true.

Marley is a Husky-Rottweiler mix. He’s very clumsy and has huge paws. He falls while just walking and slips on the hardwood floors while running. He knocks over everything on Mychals coffee table. He talks to me sometimes. I love him instantly. He makes me smile, while my smiles are so few these days.

The key, I think. What is this key? A literal key? Or the key to the mystery?

I, for some reason, feel as if I am chasing a dead man. Mychal asks “how does it make you feel to be chasing the dead?” When I tell him this. I don’t care. I just want him back. IDGAF if I look stupid. But I must go on. Right?

I guess so, because I have a son. I can not create more pain in this world. This precious Earth. I must tread lightly.

I am sure the key unlocks this heart shaped locket I find on my alter. I hope so. Days are limited and there is infinite-no there is finite beauty EVERYWHERE. We all must tread lightly. Even if it means I have to go on without my Chaos. My heart breaks. Again. And again. But I will be ok eventually.