Ho, Ho, Ho, Ha, Ha, Ha!

All right, I’ve kept silent long enough. No more.

Schoolhouse Rock? Bring it on, people, I have the collection on DVD. Even the ones that didn’t age well, we can skip over those.

Rockin’ and a-rollin,’ splishing and a-splashing, over the horizon, what could it be? Looks like it’s gonna be a free country!

Yeah, pilgrim, hold the phone on that one. Two hundred and fifty years on, we got us some issues to fix.

But some of the others? Like the numbers?

If I could skate… a figure eight….

Numbers don’t change their rules over time, no matter what statistics wizards want to do to bend them.

And Grammar Rock? You will pry those songs out of my head with a sledgehammer, only when I’m good and dead.

Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?

If you’re not humming along, you’re an alien. Or a foreigner to America, and right now, I don’t blame you in the slightest. It’s okay, we’ll either get better, or collapse under the weight of our own ego. Feel free to colonize us with real civilization afterwards, but beware the mounds of plastic refuse we’ll leave behind, it’s slippery. You don’t want to hurt yourself on the abuse we’ve rendered on dead dinosaur corpses. What a freaking waste.

But one of our worst atrocities?

Commercialization of holidays.

No, I ain’t talking about Arbor Day.

I’m talking about those abominations of crass consumerism wrapped up in ribbons and bows, masquerading as “wholesome entertainment” for da widdle childwen at Christmastime.

You know them.

Frosty the Snowman.

And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Have you watched them recently?

(And of course I can’t just nip online and re-watch to get the full effect, because they’re behind paywalls. Look, I will watch porn of those cinematic flops before I willingly watch them again, so take my money for Here Cums Frosty, because you ain’t getting it for the original. And Frosty Returns is so horribly a blatant money grab that I have seen it exactly once, and never again. Because Rudolph’s Nose Isn’t the Only Part That Glows Red should have been nominated for a freaking AVN!)

Look, the “classic shows” suck. Let’s casually glance at Frosty:

Everyone else is dressed warmly, but the girl is in a jacket that barely covers her bum. Early sexualization, hmm? And I’m not ever sure she’s wearing leggings, because I don’t remember peach leggings being A Thing in 1969.

And she’s the ditz that hops onto a train? Now, I lived in a town that had a train running through it. I heard the stories about the hobos that dropped off in town, looking for a meal. I know about trains. Even for a magic snowman that has no clue about reality, I ain’t getting on no train in time to be back for dinner.

Sure, the first thing I would do when I make a snowman is join hands, and dance and sing around it. Sure. I’m not in a cult, because if you want a snow cult, this is how you get one.

A greenhouse, in the middle of the frozen north? Are you freaking mad? That is obviously being maintained, but simultaneously in the middle of nowhere, with no one to call for help? Those windows would have shattered long before Frosty thought to use it to warm up a little girl. I’d be looking for a hockey-masked dude with a cleaver, before I’d look for a Snidely Whiplash clone with no brain cells.

Being carried by a man made out of snow. Deep frostbite, anyone?

A villain so pathetic that even the rabbit runs rings around him? That a pack of children habitually thwart, but they don’t think to make sure he doesn’t follow Frosty?

One of them doesn’t think to hide that hat at their house, and re-create him next year at the beginning of the snow season, then contact Santa to take him to the North Pole, safely?

And while we’re at it, why aren’t we invoking the Dark Magic, and giving Frosty immortality, and invulnerability? It would be easy to remove his snowball heart, and hide it as a single pine needle in a forest of pine trees that have inexplicably become part of a No Humans Allowed forest, guarded by elder Fae.

And Rudolph? Dear sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster on a broken crutch, if the treacly “we must sanitize this for the pwotekshun uv da childwen!” script writers for the former were used for the “boys will be boys!” latter, I think we’d have a better program!

Instead, the reindeer are downright mean. If I were Santa, I would darn well make reindeer soup out of the whole lot, and feed it to the elves, who aren’t much better.

(And suddenly, Weird Al’s song The Night Santa Went Crazy makes a whole lot of sense….)

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet

As for that blasted elfin workshop, where the heck is OSHA? DEI regulations? A union? Mandatory re-training for those laid off? An electrified fence and guards, to make sure the monster doesn’t break in?

Or, maybe, just fling some of the worst reindeer bullies over said fence, and solve all the problems at once? There’s a demotivational poster for you, Rudolph lighting the way for a rampaging abominable snowman, who is holding Santa’s disembodied head, stamping Donner into a red puddle, while Hermey performs involuntary tooth extractions on strapped-down elf managers.

Do you want psychopath, disfigured, red-nosed, reindeer? Because this is how you get them. With even his own father bullying him with a clay-covered nose (ableism!), they’re lucky Rudolph didn’t decide the new reindeer game is “Call Of Duty: North Pole Ops.”

Rudolph, the red nose is covered under ADA regulations, just saying. Lawyer up, and sue for the toy workshop!

What, is this too violent for your taste?

She says I’m cute!

Well, when I lick people’s cheeks, I don’t get that response, so I think the show’s just a touch unrealistic. I may or may not be writing this from prison.

Do we mention the misogyny of the entire freaking show? Did you notice, all of Santa’s reindeer are male? Well, did you know, that in late December, the only reindeer that keep their antlers are the girls?

And who the heck names a boy reindeer Cupid? I don’t think Rudolph is the only reindeer masking a secret, if you know what I mean. But with no union to fight for LGTBQIA+ rights, I don’t blame him in the slightest.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some videos to watch. Good, wholesome stuff, because this month’s subscription isn’t going to be worth anything if I don’t use it up.

What should I watch first? Charlie Brown and the Red-Headed Girl All Grown Up, or perhaps It’s Not Such a Bad Little Tree After All- Wait, It IS a Bad Naughty Tree?