Your Friend Z

No way was I going to let it happen. Nope, not a chance. I had been through this same bs before, I knew the drill, I was an expert on this. But, this time was different, right? This time would end in a happy ending, yes? No, it couldn’t, it never did and never would. But still…

Okay, so my name is Z, in case any of you cared. Which you probably don’t, because most people forget my name within a day of meeting me. A forgettable person I suppose is what I am. Anyways, that’s not the point. The point is I was doing it again, and I hated every moment of it. The hope was like a blinding light in the darkness of my soul, searing away at the years of broken trust and pain that women had caused me. I would consider it a joyful pain, even an erotic pain, as I craved the taste of that hope that made me think for one split second that I could be happy with someone. But the real world does not allow for fantasies or fairy tales. No happy endings lasted for me; I suppose it is just my lot in life.

It all started from the first time I slept with a girl. It was such an incredible feeling, so passionate, so blissful….is how I would have liked it to go. The reality is that it was so incredibly awkward. I suppose that is something they should teach you in sex-ed at school, how embarrassing and uncomfortable that first time is, especially when she is having her first time as well. God damnit, I am doing it again! Apologies, I am going off on the wrong track. I suppose it is just my mind’s habit to dwell on the darkness and imperfection around me.

So this girl, we can call her Ava. Why Ava? No! I won’t get distracted again. Focus man, come on, you have a story to tell. But will anyone even listen? Anyways, Ava and I got along well, as far as friendships go. We were both young and grew close, and then she dropped the big question… “Do you want to have sex?” I honestly had no idea what I was going to say, my mouth went dry, my heart started pounding in my chest, my mind was racing. Why was my negative mind not racing in the other direction at that time? Long story short, and sparing you the details, I said yes...and you know how that turned out.

Anyways, it started with Ava, then Angela, then Abbie. God, why can I not get the “A’s” out of my head? I guess with a name like Z, I am naturally inclined to polar opposites. So many women, so many chances at love, so many heart wrenching conversations, so many exes. I was over it. I would not allow myself to love because no one could love me, and I had accepted that as truth for my own dark and twisted reality. And then she came along.

I’ll call her Y. Why? Y not? Or Y is? Is she real? Yes, I think so. Reality is what you make it...stop Z...Stop. Okay, Y is this girl that I met a few months back. What is she like? Incredible...not like just in the general sense that a man will say a girl is incredible, in the specific sense, as in, truthfully amazingly, incomprehensibly incredible. Wow, that is a big sentence with big words. Will they understand? I hope so. Stop it, Z stop. Seriously you have to focus. Focus on her...focus on Y.

Y. Yes. She is great. One of my only true best friends I can say, and I feel a deep sense of connection with her. And I know she loves me because she does not lie to me. She has never lied to me, and I love her for that. Unfortunately, she is inaccessible...god damnit Z what are you saying? Inaccessible? Like she is some tool or something? No, she is your light and fire. Apologies everyone, I meant she is in a different place than me. Where? I have no clue, except I do, I lied. But she does not lie.

Trust in a relationship is incredibly hard to come by, and even though so many before her have broken my trust and my heart along with it, I cannot help but believe she is completely, 100% genuine….genuine leather? Skin is leather. What are you even saying Z, what the hell? Come on man, keep your thoughts focused? You aren’t making any sense. But then again do I ever make sense to anyone? Is the reason for my failures with girls because I am not understood, because I do not make sense?

Thank you all sooo much for listening to me. It is a relief to let things out. Out? In, I let things into the internet and out of my mind. Maybe you all will like me after this, maybe you will hate me more. Until next time my beautifully, disgustingly vile humans,

Your Friend Z