Words Left Behind of a Survivor

- Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

* Oh no, don't get it wrong. They were always there for me, and if ever I told you I flinch from their hand fearfully. It was a mistake. That's what they do, when they love you.

You give and they take, they tell you that you are the mistake.

You ought to understand, have some compassion for the broken heart of my friend. They meant to be around more, they plead and they beg for a second chance that only I'd give.

Stop it. I'm not in denial. You have it all twisted. I went and got too emotional, and over exaggerated. That's all. I do it a lot. We hurt and we cry, often we never smile... sure, but occasionally we do. It never hurt me to smile. And wait a minute, it did actually. It brought us pain to smile.

* All the while, I needed you. You left me alone when I wanted you to finally prove you loved me too. Why would you do that? Friends aren't supposed to scare me. You got mad when I shook too much and cried, but you lied. You said I was broken. You said I couldn't trust my senses. You grabbed my arm and said you deserve this punishment.

How could you take that away from me? You ripped me of innocence and happiness. You tore me apart inside. You yelled at me and said you'd run away first if I committed suicide!

What about me? I was hurting. I was in pain. Self-harm was as intimate as the thoughts in my brain.

I never wanted to hurt. I wanted the pain to subside. I wanted to feel safe and OK. I hoped to control it, so I could say I did it and not you. What I did to my arms, you did to me too.

You damaged me worse than I could ever harm me or you.

I tried to love you, hoping one day you'd care. You didn't. I'm sorry. I don't want to... but I hate you!

* Wa-wait a minute. I take that back. I dislike the bad side of your personality. Unpredictable like bipolar, then you crash like a caffeine high. You said you were sorry, and I wish I could say.

That this apology made this dysfunctional pattern go away. We can make it work, if I try a little harder. I'll be a better friend. I have to teach away the bad. Because if you were mad, there had to be a good reason.

And if I was sad, it was a manifestation of some kind of guilt. Should I not feel this way, act petty, or tell you how I feel? If I tell them the real side of our relationship, I will cause damage and pain. And if you leave us one day, I'll be responsible for that rain. So please stay, I'll try a little harder and won't harm my body today.

* Why am I alive? What is my purpose? Everything's bleak, I had false motivation. I thought saving you would save me, but it was empty hope and satisfaction. I don't want to exist. I don't want to be alive.

I want to love me... but you see, I still want to die.

Is it just a phase? Is it really all a lie?

For a big ugly lie, it feels so real. And I hate myself for how I feel.

* I can accept this, that you left a mark on me. It's not my fault that you battered me physically, mentally, emotionally. It's a battle scar. That's the way they are.

It's not fun. It doesn't feel good. It's scary.

I can grow to accept it, since it'll never be as scary as you once were.

The nightmares never went away. Why would they, when they stubbornly refuse to like you did in my past? You both overstayed your welcome. I've lost control of my emotions for keeping it all inside, so give me a chance to tell you what I never could; remember you'd never let me fit a word in edgewise.

There's more people in the world than friends. That part is sad, but true. We are more intimate with the walls we build around our heart to protect it, than we are with the actual thing we try to protect.

It withers without sunlight, and it's shallow breaths are heard at night. And if only I knew 5 minutes could change my life. I hardened after that call. I kept making up excuses for why you left so many times like you never really cared.

I realized right then, I'd never be the same. Maybe that's OK.

I used to ask if it was fate, or all a cruel game. Was it a trick to mess with my head? It no longer matters.

The more important question is... did you ever care? Or were you just there? To show me how it felt to be desperate.

You ripped love out of me, congratulations. Maybe I'll get it back someday, and it'll heal the scar imbedded in my heart, in my head.

I used to apologize for my feelings, but somehow I taught myself what you encouraged me to do was wrong. And if I can forgive an ounce of what you did, there's no excuse for you holding a grudge against me.

Your behavior wasn't my identity. I was too young to process it, you should have never put me in that position, too afraid to see or grasp a reality aside from your own.

I am improving, you are still reproving. I failed and cried, yet you dismissed me, every time.

How did you ever sleep at night knowing the friend you loved was too afraid to sleep in the dark? Isolation will still haunt.

Don't misunderstand. I'm still mad at you, although I accept I can't go back and change the outcome. I'm angry at you, myself. I'm sad and will always be broken a little bit inside. You come back just to pull apart the stitches of my painful, fearful memories.

You are toxic, and that's what hurts me... even when you aren't here, just knowing I hated you pains me the most. In spite of your cruel actions and words, I wanted to love you and communicate. You refused.

I am ready to break out of the shame and regrets I surround myself with. So please, leave me alone and stop hurting me. I wish I'd forget what you did. I wish I could forget the feelings that you forced on me.

I hope every night, you'll stop hurting me...

Dear friend,

I wish you cared when I needed it most.

But you don't.